Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-18-2008, 01:02 PM   #1
zkimom
Working the Gusset
 
zkimom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Redding, CT
Posts: 1,414
Thanks: 140
Thanked 430 Times in 280 Posts
You Brits are just too funny!
A friend of mine from the UK just emailed me this:


Message from Her Majesty the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced & lt; FONT face=Verdana color=#6e0d0c size=5>by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt Eng lish dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!


PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)
__________________
I'm Zkimom on Ravelry

Check out my photoblog: Photobella

Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
--Elwood P. Dodd
zkimom is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 17 Users Say Thank You to zkimom For This Useful Post:
cindycactus (11-19-2008), cphkat (11-25-2008), Craw (11-19-2008), Debkcs (11-24-2008), Denise in Michigan (11-18-2008), Jaxhil (11-19-2008), Jeremy (11-18-2008), KnittingNat (11-19-2008), lelvsdgs (11-18-2008), lizardknits (11-29-2008), mks22300 (11-18-2008), nephthys8 (11-19-2008), princessbonniejane (11-19-2008), ritaw (11-20-2008), sgtpam (11-18-2008), Simply_Renee (11-18-2008), Sunshine's Mom (11-18-2008)
Old 11-18-2008, 01:31 PM   #2
Denise in Michigan
Turning the Heel
 
Denise in Michigan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Southeastern Michigan, but Yooper at heart
Posts: 698
Thanks: 250
Thanked 145 Times in 119 Posts
Oh, I loved this! Fantastic!

P.S. It has already begun; there are two roundabouts near my home, with more planned. We are not amused.
__________________
Knitting is more like tying your shoes than it is like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time.

Last edited by Denise in Michigan : 11-18-2008 at 01:43 PM. Reason: add postscript
Denise in Michigan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-18-2008, 02:18 PM   #3
Abbily
Instepping Out
 
Abbily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 2,996
Thanks: 458
Thanked 1,603 Times in 1,120 Posts
That is the funniest thing I have seen all day! Thanks!
__________________
Carey
Mommy to two wonderful girls

"I don't have to conform to the vagaries of time and space, I'm a loony!" -Campbell Bain (David Tennant) 'Takin' Over the Asylum'




OTN: Cabled Sweater, arm warmers, kids' clothes
Abbily is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-18-2008, 07:40 PM   #4
Plantgoddess+
Working the Gusset
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Eastern Washington
Posts: 1,734
Thanks: 284
Thanked 569 Times in 512 Posts
Originally Posted by Denise in Michigan View Post
Oh, I loved this! Fantastic!

P.S. It has already begun; there are two roundabouts near my home, with more planned. We are not amused.
I live in the country and we now have a roundabout. The problem is they made it so small that 18 wheelers have difficulty going around and if you get more than 2 cars at the intersection at once it works like stop signs anyway as you wait for an opening.
__________________
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."--Margaret Mead
Plantgoddess+ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-18-2008, 09:03 PM   #5
mks22300
Instepping Out
 
mks22300's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,127
Thanks: 200
Thanked 640 Times in 626 Posts
Send a message via MSN to mks22300
Love it!
__________________
Addicted to:
Harry Potter, Knitting, LOTR, Star Wars, Lost, shoes, and CHOCOLATE!

I'm mks22300 at ravelry
mks22300 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2008, 05:13 AM   #6
Nobones
Turning the Heel
 
Nobones's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: South Wales, UK
Posts: 996
Thanks: 142
Thanked 298 Times in 195 Posts
Send a message via MSN to Nobones
Help I can't breathe!

That is so amazing, I'm copying and pasting that to a friend who recently came to the UK and is baffled by us all! He'll love it. Thanks.

Jeeze I can't tell you how much I laughed at that!
__________________
My blog-
http://diaryofacraftaddict-nobones.blogspot.com/

My dress & costume making website-
www.gothwardian.co.uk

'Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work'. -Aristotle



Nobones is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2008, 10:22 AM   #7
cindycactus
Turning the Heel
 
cindycactus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 703
Thanks: 215
Thanked 263 Times in 239 Posts
That is so funny. We also have a roundabout in our little town that has been there for over 100 years. The town's water tower sat in the center of the circle until a storm came through and knocked it down in the 1980's. Not much traffic here to have any back up problems with it though.
__________________
If I'm sitting I'm knitting!
Support our Troops.
cindycactus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2008, 12:06 PM   #8
nephthys8
 
Posts: n/a
Haha, we have several "traffic circles" in and around Washington DC, so this isn't as strange to me as it could be.

I'm sure I'll get yelled at for this, but after going on an exchange to the UK for 5 months, I say bring it on! I swear to all of you that it wouldn't actually be as bad as you might think...
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2008, 01:18 PM   #9
MoniDew
Working the Gusset
 
MoniDew's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 1,329
Thanks: 1,367
Thanked 376 Times in 299 Posts
I must now START driving on the left hand side of the road, from the right hand side of the car? Maybe that's what I've been doing wrong all this time....

Thank you for the laugh!!!
________
Honda C70 Specifications

Last edited by MoniDew : 02-19-2011 at 07:17 PM.
MoniDew is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2008, 09:08 PM   #10
miccisue
Turning the Heel
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 585
Thanks: 68
Thanked 135 Times in 99 Posts
With the talk of "roundabouts", all I can think of is Chevy Chase in "National Lampoon's European Vacation" where they are in the car going around and around and around......"Look kids, there's Big Ben!!!"

And yes, I know I watch too many movies...........
miccisue is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Any Brits out there? venusspecimen Knitters Knear You 34 02-08-2013 03:55 AM
SAVE THE CHILDREN - Brits hit half million mark & then some! Pix Limey Charity Knitting 865 10-23-2008 03:30 PM
Question for the Brits among us Sunshine's Mom The Lounge 7 08-29-2008 05:12 AM
a question for all the brits Lady Violet The Lounge 8 02-06-2008 01:43 PM
OT-My Funny, DH jdee General Knitting 12 08-08-2006 12:24 PM

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:08 PM.