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Old 06-27-2009, 01:44 PM   #21
Jan in CA
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Wow. There was nothing wrong with her asking, but her attitude now is incredibly selfish. Not much of a friend IMO.

My daughter's best friend from HS that she is still good friends with is getting married in Hawaii in September. My daughter lives in DC. She told my daughter that while she really wanted her there she would completely understand if she couldn't afford it or couldn't make it. That's a true friend.
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Old 06-28-2009, 09:50 AM   #22
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Yeah...it really has become a guilt mechinizism. Sort of a "well I came to your wedding, so if you don't come to mine, then you aren't a good friend" type of deal.

Most of my friends I have talked to say it is too much to ask. But I was talking to one friend (mutual to both of us) that made me feel really small.

She said I had a tone of someone who was just making excuses, and that friendship and showing you care sometimes requires you to get out of your comfort zone. She also went on to say that my fears, although valid, can't be anything in comparison to "facing my own mortality" and going through what she is going through.

Again...It made me feel kinda petty....my response about the cancer thing was "I am not giving her any 'special' treatment. I am not going to treat her like a dying person" (which she is doing really well...I am sure she will get out of this with flying colours! not that I don't see the realness of the situation...I do!)

What started as a simple request seems to be turning into a brow beating contest. The more pressure that gets put on the situation, the more I want to run from it.

I asked a simple question...would she consider having the ceremony at home, and the honeymoon on a cruise, she said no (which is fair, it is her wedding) as she didn't want to many ppl there, which immediatly turned into "which is tantamount to your not wanting to come, right?"

So here it stands, I am an insensitive selfish jerk who won't even make an effort to think about coming to her wedding. But really....beyond saying "I would really like to be there, but I find the arrangements really really really out of my comfort zone. I won't say yes or no right now, cause time can change things" be anymore honest/effort making? I have even said "I will be at the shower, help you pick out the dress....knit you a shall (and boob) to match your dress and be there to throw you a party when you get back" how much more can you be there for someone? *sigh*

Maybe I am an insensitive heartless selfish jerk!
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Old 06-28-2009, 10:16 AM   #23
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You are not an insensitive heartless selfish jerk!! If you were you wouldn't be worrying about all of it. It is very selfish of anyone to expect guest to pay $2000 to attend a wedding. My $.02 is tell her you would rather not talk about your attending for awhile. You obviously don't agree , maybe between now and then something will change. I really hope something can be worked out!
Big hugs!!!!
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Old 06-28-2009, 10:46 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by Crycket View Post
Yeah...it really has become a guilt mechinizism. Sort of a "well I came to your wedding, so if you don't come to mine, then you aren't a good friend" type of deal.

Most of my friends I have talked to say it is too much to ask. But I was talking to one friend (mutual to both of us) that made me feel really small......
Isn't it funny (not ha ha funny) how you can ask 10 (I'm picking a number here) people the same question and 9 agree with you and the 1 who doesn't, that's the one we focus on?!! I do it all the time too, so don't feel bad. But in reality, she's asking too much and not being nice about it. 9 out of 10 people agree with you and it boils down to what your gut is telling you to do, even if your heart doesn't agree.

Go with your gut, it's never wrong.
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Old 06-28-2009, 11:29 AM   #25
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It is so true...

And I am easily guilted. I feel bad if I am being a "bad friend" whether the accusations are true or not...

The big problem is I feel angry for being put on the spot, and upset for feeling the way I do...it is a vicious circle really...

I think you have a good point there Bailsmom....leave it alone...

in the mean time I can look into what kind of medication might help with getting on a plane and being away from home...

At least that might be a fair showing that I am trying... *shrugs*

Thank you for making me feel like this isn't all my fault!
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Old 07-07-2009, 11:46 PM   #26
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Ok...

She started the convo AGAIN *sigh*

I told her that we should not worry about it now...and she said
"This IS the time to talk about it..." She wants to get married NEXT Dec....

I asked her to confirm what the $2000 was for (does it include travel, is it per person, or for both me and my husband...)

Apparently it is per person, without travel!

She didn't say anything when I said it was a bit steep

*bangs her head on the wall*

I feel backed into a corner...

If I tell her no...she is going to pout and kick and scream and throw an adult tantrum...

If I go...and succum to her will..I am becoming bitter, and resentful!


*cries*
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Old 07-08-2009, 01:47 AM   #27
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December 2010?

What would happen if you told you need at least 2 weeks to do some research -- costs of flights, cruise, bridal gear, etc. -- and to talk to your DH without her asking you again. If she asks again, it will be an automatic "no". The least she could do is give you time to research the actual costs involved from your end.

The pressure tactics are too much and not very kind of her. How many other people have said they will definitely do this for them?
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Old 07-08-2009, 08:23 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by auntcrafty View Post
December 2010?

What would happen if you told you need at least 2 weeks to do some research -- costs of flights, cruise, bridal gear, etc. -- and to talk to your DH without her asking you again. If she asks again, it will be an automatic "no". The least she could do is give you time to research the actual costs involved from your end.

The pressure tactics are too much and not very kind of her. How many other people have said they will definitely do this for them?
Ha....funny you say this...that is exactly what I said to her...I said
(as per discussed above) Lets not talk about this now, there is lots of time, and a lot of unknowns....

She doesn't want to talk to my DH about it....it will end very badly! She is super sensitive with the emotional limit of a two year old. DH has absolutly NO tact and will lay every thing out as it is, with not a hint of caring in his voice which will send her into a tailspin. He wants to talk to her though...cause he sees what it is doing to me...

I don't know....the answer seems simple....tell her no...

My way of dealing with it all, is to lay it out to her and tell her how I am feeling. This was my way of saying no with out saying no. I have now been told twice that my method results in my sounding like I am just making up a bunch of excuses.

Even she is just going on like a plane is no big deal. It can be overcomed...She thinks, that I should want to be there no matter what. PPl keep going on about how safe planes are. The point is not how safe it is...it is about there being NO ESCAPE. For the same reason I can't be in a crowd, it is the feeling of not being able to escape.

I told her a lot of things this last talk...like I would be saying the same thing to my sister, or best friend....like I would rather be honest and upfront with you and say I don't know if I can go, rather than nodding my head and saying I will be there, when there is a chance I might not. Both things she had no answer for...

I also told her that I am so happy for her! That just because I am not open to going away, doesn't mean I do care just as much. etc..

I don't know...she is just as frustraited with me as I am with her...she is just of the mind that if you are my friend, you would do this for me, no matter how uncomfortable you are....

Yes though....it is going to be a huge expense, and it is funny, when I talk to her, it is the last thing on my mind cause I am so paranoid about every thing else. I have even said I will go see my doc and see about meds...but yes...the money thing will remain an issue too...unfortunatly...it will sound like more of an excuse!

It seems like I keep beating the same horse everytime I bring it up...and we are both at our wits end...

I feel like I am backed into a corner with no way out...and it is trapping me in my own head...the options are "go" or "disappoint her beyond the earth moon and skies" She has waited so long, and I don't want to disappoint her...however she acts like a wounded puppy everytime I try to tell her. And it seems that for all my "excuses" that anything else I have to say on the matter would just be another "excuse"

If I have DH talk to her...that might be the end of the friendship...but it might be the only way out of it...I don't know....

(for the record, her and DH used to date, in fact she was the one that introduced us....they broke up for a good reason! *smiles*)






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Old 07-08-2009, 09:22 AM   #29
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I feel so badly for you. It's hard to understand your friend's reasoning and the frantic pressure she's put on you. In my opinion, it's an over-the-top request. She has the option of having a small, even private, ceremony at home before leaving on the cruise. Who has to know but those she chooses to invite? Or she can invite everyone and not buy into the huge party aspect--keep it simple like weddings used to be. Everyone is aware that she is having the ceremony there so they can share it. Either way, anyone she truly wants to be with her can attend without so much stress and pressure.

She's backing you into making a decision sooner than is necessary--just to end all these discussions and give you some peace. It will be sad if she thinks it ends the "friendship," but telling too. If she's your friend, even if she gets really mad, she'll be back.

I hope this resolves soon, for your sake.
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:17 AM   #30
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Medication to survive the long flight, a/c to survive the heat, anger and resentment for your "friend" who is putting you through this, and $5000+ to foot the bill for all that... really??

Maybe it's my age, but I'd sit her down and tell her that you know this is important to her, but what she is doing to you her best friend is insulting and insensitive. Weddings last a few hours, friendship should last a lifetime. This girl needs to grow up and stop being bridezilla.
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