OT: Not this again....

Crycket · 04-26-2010, 10:15 PM

Some of you may remember, I had started a thread probably about a year ago or more now in the Off Topic section....

It was about how a friend of mine was laying on the pressure to go to her wedding that would be taking place on a cruise.

I had said back then that I really don't want to go, it is expensive, I don't want to have to take a plane and it is a vacation...not just a one or two day wedding event. It is a full week + extra.

The conclusion at the time was that after many frustraited feelings, we talked it out and basically it is too expensive. This was truely the best thing to say as my other phobias were just coming off as me being insensitive and bitchy.

The case has been reopened. She is done with her chemo (for those just tuning in or having forgot, she was going through breast cancer treatments at the time this whole thing started) and has now planned a date for the wedding. It is going to be the beginning of March, next year. She has planned it to leave from Florida, so if I don't want to take a plane, we can drive down, and instead of the $2000 a person price tag, she says with the package that she has arranged, the low end price will be approx $800 a night, per person. Well...that significantly drops the original price from what would have been about $5000 for DH and I to go, to about $3000 (driving/motel expenses driving down, etc. + the $1600 what I am guessing is a US price...and other expenses)

I was talking to her about it all again tonight, hoping it had all be finalized as a "I can't afford it" deal in the first place...that it wouldn't be a sore point still...

So...she says this to me "There have been people who have had weddings in shorter time, that people have been able to come up with the money for such a trip" and the follow up "everybody needs a vacation" Basically saying that putting aside enough for a coffee a day would allow me to go, and that she has gone to the trouble of finding a cruise that leaves from somewhere I could drive to rather than fly.

Ok...the money is a little more reasonable...but it is DHs whole vacation time. I am also not working steadily making the money thing a little more difficult.

*sigh* I was hoping this issue was over and done with. I was hoping that this wouldn't be an issue....

I had said to her "but you are still putting the wedding at a distance, not everyone will be able to go" to which her answer was, "those who want to will come, those who don't, won't." I said, it isn't a matter of want or not, it might be a money issue, to which she responded with the above comments about how little it costs...and how much everyone needs a vacation...

Why can't it just be easy...am I being a horrible jerk for not wanting to go? Why am I even having to go through this again for a second time?

Maybe I should just go....

Gertie · 04-27-2010, 03:36 AM

>Maybe I should just go....<

No!! Sorry to say this since she's your friend, but she's being narrow minded & selfish. It seems that she's used to people giving in to her wishes. If you can't go then you can wish her well & look forward to seeing her pics when they return.

etoilechaude · 04-27-2010, 04:00 AM

Originally Posted by Gertie

>Maybe I should just go....<

No!! Sorry to say this since she's your friend, but she's being narrow minded & selfish. It seems that she's used to people giving in to her wishes. If you can't go then you can wish her well & look forward to seeing her pics when they return.

Agreed.

lissaplus2 · 04-27-2010, 04:23 AM

Quote:

>Maybe I should just go....<

No!! Sorry to say this since she's your friend, but she's being narrow minded & selfish. It seems that she's used to people giving in to her wishes. If you can't go then you can wish her well & look forward to seeing her pics when they return.

Couldnt have said it better myself.

Maybe you could make her a little something to wear in the wedding...perhaps....a shawl?? I hear theres a really pretty one being tested right now...

Crycket · 04-27-2010, 05:08 AM

Oh there are already plans for a shawl...and I was going to make her a cross stitch with the wedding date on it....

I guess i am just really easily guilt tripped...

GinnyG · 04-27-2010, 12:24 PM

My advice this year is the same as my advice last year (if I remember correctly);

Thank her for the invitation, express your joy at her wedding but tell her FIRMLY you are unable to attend AND DON"T FEEL GUILTY.

lissaplus2 · 04-27-2010, 12:41 PM

Quote:

Thank her for the invitation, express your joy at her wedding but tell her FIRMLY you are unable to attend AND DON"T FEEL GUILTY.

This too!!

trvvn5 · 04-27-2010, 01:36 PM

I find this to be one of the most aggravating things from people. I understand that she wants to have a destination wedding. That's great, but SHE is the one who wants the destination wedding. Its so presumptuous and selfish to guilt people into taking their entire vacation and using it for their wedding. Plus, I get that 3k is less than 5k, but who could pull 3k out of their butt too. Thats a lot of money to spend to be a guest at someone else's wedding. I had a friend do a destination wedding to Jamaica and was angry when 3/4 of her guest list wouldn't come.

I would be honest. It's too much money. It's wasting a week of your vacation to be trapped on a boat. It's selfish of her to expect people to do that for her wedding. And just firmly say no.

Jannette · 04-27-2010, 02:01 PM

I agree with everyone else, just say no. I think it's ridiculously expensive to have to pay $3000 to attend a wedding. I wouldn't do it for anyone. There, now try not to feel guilty!

Sunshine's Mom · 04-27-2010, 02:23 PM

Didn't she want you in the wedding party? Her matron of honor?

In any event, if you really don't want to go, I think you need to tell her straight out that you simply cannot afford it. If you were independently wealthy it would be different. But, you are just not in a position to spend that kind of money. Period. You can't get blood from a stone.

It seems that maybe she re-planned this trip to accomodate your phobias about flying, etc, because she really wants you to be a part of her day. That is a bit guilt-trippy for sure, but you have to be honest with her. But I think I would stick to the lack of funds being the issue rather than that you don't want to "waste" your vacation time being with her on her wedding day. That seems a bit harsh to me and possibly a way to end a friendship that you didn't mean to do.

Frankly, though, so many of us don't really do something great on our vacations that I think an opportunity to have a marathon drive ending in a cruise would be kind of fun. Don't let your fears keep you from experiencing something that could be wonderful. Is it really a money issue or your fear of the unknown and being out of your comfort zone? And the best time to push your boundaries is when you are doing so for a loved one.