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Old 04-27-2010, 09:45 AM   #11
Crycket
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Originally Posted by Sunshine's Mom View Post
Didn't she want you in the wedding party? Her matron of honor?
Yes...she did...I think that might have changed though, which is where I get a bit more guilted.




Originally Posted by Sunshine's Mom View Post
Frankly, though, so many of us don't really do something great on our vacations that I think an opportunity to have a marathon drive ending in a cruise would be kind of fun. Don't let your fears keep you from experiencing something that could be wonderful. Is it really a money issue or your fear of the unknown and being out of your comfort zone? And the best time to push your boundaries is when you are doing so for a loved one.
I do somewhat agree that it could be fun to go down to Florida, driving it could be ok too. I know we did it when I was a kid once or twice. It might be nice to see it as an adult. It does make it a two week vacation rather than a 1 week, and probably does make it more expensive. The cheapest room on the ship was about $800 a night per person....making it about $1600 (I am going to assume US) Driving down is gas, motel and food. I believe it is around a 20 or so hour drive, and neither hubby or I are willing to drive non stop. So lets say 3 days 2 nights. It would also be a consideration to rent a car, as I am not sure I want to put that kinda milage on to my car. That is where I figure the extra $1400...not to mention hair and dress, tips and alcohol on the cruise. perhaps travel insurance etc.

I DO really want to be there for her day. I am really annoyed that she can't seem to separate my support from my being there. To her they are one in the same! This makes me feel really bad...
Yes...it is out of my comfort zone. Neither DH or I want a vacation of this kind. DH gets sea sick. I have other issues...but I could put them aside. The money is a bit tight. I am a little bit put off at the fact that she seems to think that $3000 is a cup of coffee from now until March...DH worked it out...it is more like $10 a day...that is more like 6-10 cups of coffees worth of money a day.

I am also annoyed that she is using the "everyone needs a vacation" line, and that she thinks it is ok to pull people (specifically me) out for a week or two for a wedding.

The last wedding I went to was for someone I have known since kindergarden and I didn't even go to the wedding ceremony as the time difference between the ceremony and the reception was 4 or 5 hours. The wedding was about 1.5 hours away from home, and we decided it was not really worth it to hang around for that time in our dress clothes with no where to go. That and a $40 gift, it was all good! Heck, even my BFFs wedding was neat and easy, I did a small scrapbook album for her with photos I took at her wedding at a cost of about $200 (after photo processing of like hundreds of pics, where was digital then huh?) She loved that more because she had photos that were more candid and not in her photographers rolls.

Either way...her bottom line seems to be, either you WANT to be there or you don't. Money won't stop you when you have 10 months to save up. I say it is too much to expect for a wedding, and truely I hope the friendship isn't done after this, though I already feel it is strained.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:03 AM   #12
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Tell her flat out "NO". VERY unreasonable of her to expect someone to take a week out of their life for this. Personally - I think the woman needs a MAJOR reality check.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:20 AM   #13
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I have been trying to boil this down to the bottom line. I am trying to clear the bull and supposed "excuses" (as some without anxiety see it) To be completely honest with myself...

I think this is it....

I DO very much support her, and DO very much want to be there for her special moment/day.

I DO NOT want to take a vacation on a cruise. I DO NOT want pass go and spend $3000 on a wedding/unwanted vacation.

I think that is cut and dry. Without any additional feelings in the way.

The next question is, does a friend do something they don't want to do, just for the sake of a friends happiness. Do I sacrifice/put off some of the things I need/want to do to make her happy?

What makes me a real friend? Just because she is being unreasonable, does that give me the right to be unreasonable back? Is she really being unreasonable?

See...this is the sort of thing that goes flying through my mind.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:35 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Crycket View Post
I have been trying to boil this down to the bottom line. I am trying to clear the bull and supposed "excuses" (as some without anxiety see it) To be completely honest with myself...

I think this is it....

I DO very much support her, and DO very much want to be there for her special moment/day.

I DO NOT want to take a vacation on a cruise. I DO NOT want pass go and spend $3000 on a wedding/unwanted vacation.

I think that is cut and dry. Without any additional feelings in the way.

The next question is, does a friend do something they don't want to do, just for the sake of a friends happiness. Do I sacrifice/put off some of the things I need/want to do to make her happy?

What makes me a real friend? Just because she is being unreasonable, does that give me the right to be unreasonable back? Is she really being unreasonable?

See...this is the sort of thing that goes flying through my mind.
She is absolutely being unreasonable. Imagine if you asked every single guest to your wedding with your husband to spend $3000 on your wedding.

I am sure that you want to be supportive, but what she's requesting is outrageous. Now. Had she spent the money and was paying for everyones' rooms and airfare and this was just a matter of taking vacation time for a wedding I might be able to see that. And its not even like this is a destination wedding that you can get away from. Its not like going to Jamaica for a beach wedding that you can go down for a couple days and come home. This is a week long cruise with no means to get back home if you need to. You're trapped on this wedding for a long as the cruise lasts, plus the flight home.

I think you should stop feeling guilty over not wanting to go. I think the bride is being outlandishly unreasonable.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:41 AM   #15
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This is a friend??!! She sounds selfish and self absorbed to me. I'd run for the hills, away from her and her wedding!!
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:51 AM   #16
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I haven't read the whole thread, so sorry if I'm repeating.

We had a big family "to-do" because of dh's cousin getting married and doing the cruise thing. We have 9 children, aren't that close to this cousin, and still the family thought we (and others) were insensitive and uncaring for not going to this wedding when everyone made the effort to go to other people's (local, one afternoon, traditional church) weddings.

The bottom line was, while we were happy for the couple, our family's financial and emotional welfare had to come first. What vacation time we had needed to be for us to relax, not for us to be all concerned about wedding events and etiquette, etc. at huge expense to us.

Every once in a while, we still hear some comment, but rarely. Too bad.

You do what you need to do. If you have the extra money and think it would be worth sacrificing that for your friend, then by all means do...but if you don't want to make that particular sacrifice, then by all means, don't---and don't feel guilty.

Traditionally, going to someone's wedding involves an afternoon of your life and a small gift. Not expenditures of thousands of dollars and a week of your time. IMHO, that's really asking a lot. No guilt for declining.
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Old 04-27-2010, 01:55 PM   #17
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Would she go on an unwanted, expensive (still) week+ long trip spending a week on a ship with a seasick husband? I'm guessing she would beg off.

It sounds like you're her friend as long as you do what she wants...kind of a like a 2nd grader. It's time for her to leave the schoolyard tactics behind and grow up. Tell her one more time that you do support her, but you just can't go and you don't wish to discuss this anymore. Either she'll accept and forgive you for what she sees as a slight or she won't. If she doesn't do you really need a friend like that?
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Old 04-27-2010, 02:41 PM   #18
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You can't afford it and you don't wanna so don't feel guilty! I wouldn't be able to cough up $3000 either! That's why it's an *invitation,* not an order. You are allowed to decline.

Going to weddings brings up all kinds of bad/sad feelings for me so I've declared a moratorium on attending any weddings for the next 4 years (last one I went to was over a year ago.) This means if I get invited to a wedding I will decline for my own sanity, cost etc doesn't even factor into it.
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Old 04-27-2010, 02:54 PM   #19
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The only people I've known who do destination weddings do them because they don't want to deal with all the guests and family crap that goes on. (Divorced parents having to be civil, in-laws mad because other family's decisions, who gets to be closer, sit where, etc.) They pick 2 good friends that really want to go and witness and that's it. They only have to be there for a day and it's their decision if they want to stay longer or not. I've never known anyone to do a destination wedding and expect everyone to come along for the ride to the tune of thousands of dollars of their own expense! Why don't you suggest to host a nice reception back home for all of the family and friends who won't be able to come along. (Talk about lack of privacy- bringing your whole wedding party along for your honeymoon-YUCK!) Most destination weddings (or Las Vegas, quickie weddings, at bride's hometown far away, etc.) do a reception back home for those who can't travel that want to wish the couple well. Watch a video of the wedding, dress up all pretty and have some food and fun celebrating with them for one day instead of a week!
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Old 04-27-2010, 04:48 PM   #20
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Yes...I actually have suggested that. It is the same "But I really want you there" routine. And that tune has changed from that to the "if you WANT to come, you will, if you don't, you won't" attitude. So going from hopeful enthusiasm to guilt trip.

I intend to be the one that throws her shower, and goes shopping for her dress and all that fun stuff. Apparently being there is the most important thing for her...

You are right Kellyh57...I think she is totally doing it to avoid the big family thing. Unfortunately for me, I am one of those 2 good friends she wants to take with....*rolls her eyes*
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