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Old 05-02-2010, 06:50 PM   #41
Crycket
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LOL....yes...I know...

It can be tough being a non confrontational person sometimes. Wait, that isn't true either. I do stand up for what I believe...

Heck! I have stood up for myself here, before too! I don't understand why she is still beating this dead horse.

I suppose that is really it. Either I am being a bad friend for not going, or she is being a bad friend for not being understandable.

And Gertie, I do not think you were being hateful. It seems this topic is full of fuel no matter how you look at it!
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Old 05-02-2010, 08:26 PM   #42
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>Either I am being a bad friend for not going,<
No. No. No!

>or she is being a bad friend for not being understandable.<
I agree.

Yes, there's some adrenaline flowing in this thread. We care about you & don't want you mistreated.
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Old 05-02-2010, 08:37 PM   #43
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*beams* I am very pleased and honoured to have ppl that care. This is just such a tough position to be put in! Or at least it feels like one. I would rather take $200 or so and put it into some catered food, and a nice shower than have to go through a vacation!
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Old 05-02-2010, 08:58 PM   #44
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Originally Posted by Crycket View Post
I would rather take $200 or so and put it into some catered food, and a nice shower than have to go through a vacation!
Yep. A shower or a ladies tea is a great idea. If they have everything, then maybe a lingerie shower. It'd be fun to have the wedding pics there.

They can throw a wedding party for themselves if they want a large reception. Our nephew married in Mexico at a resort. Only the immediate family were invited & no probs for those who couldn't. They had a lovely (& big) wedding reception that included a video of the wedding ceremony. Worked perfect.
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Old 05-02-2010, 09:17 PM   #45
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See...but you are talking about someone reasonable.

They are going to have to throw a reception cause they are discluding so many ppl.
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Old 05-03-2010, 10:45 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by Crycket View Post
See...but you are talking about someone reasonable.

They are going to have to throw a reception cause they are discluding so many ppl.
Wait. What? Are your friend and her fiancee specifically not inviting people or is their guest list dwindling because so many people are not going? If the latter is the case then maybe they need to make their destination wedding a small affair (immediate family only) and plan on a reception back home. It seems that her "perfect wedding" plans are falling through because no one on her side of the guest list is going to compromise their financial stability for her wedding. She's getting grumpy and fussy because no one is seeing her "vision" and helping her achieve it.

Tell her you love her, she's a great friend and, because she is, you know that she'll understand that you simply don't have the time or money to accommodate a destination wedding. It has nothing to do with her or her fiancee personally. It's entirely a financial reason.

Guilt-trip her a bit and see how she likes it. Compliment her. Encourage her. But tell her that her wedding day, ultimately, has nothing to do with you. It's about her and her husband to be. Also, I'd tell her that you don't appreciate the guilt-trip she's been putting on you and how stressed out you've become over it. It's unfair that she can't just accept your answer. You wouldn't do that to her.

Keep us posted. I've got my fingers crossed for you that tonight will go okay.
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Old 05-03-2010, 08:20 PM   #47
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I think I am just part of a guilt spiral.

We talked things out...and really, nothing has changed. She was talking calmly. She is even going to try and raise the money for us to go.

That part might be my fault. I jokingly said "get a fund going and get his family to pay - Say you can't get the matron of honour there unless there is a fund" I think she is actually going to do it. I can't really say no then, can I? I suppose I could, but that would be bad....

It is like talking to a scorned puppy dog. And really hard to spin the "no". Really hard to say no when it is "you are my only friend" that pops up.

Give me a day or two to get angry again, right now I am feeling kinda helpless...if that even sounds right...
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Old 05-03-2010, 08:42 PM   #48
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>I think I am just part of a guilt spiral.<
*sigh*

>"you are my only friend"<
Is this true?
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Old 05-03-2010, 10:28 PM   #49
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Close friend...maybe...

She does have other friends, just maybe not friends that she would bare her soul to. I don't know.

I guess...if it comes down to people that she can't live without...the answer would probably be yes for her...

I know...it is just hard when it is a friend. You think you have it all straight in your head, everything you want to say and all your arguments...and then you are thrown and emotional deuce!
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Old 05-03-2010, 10:59 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by Crycket View Post
I have been trying to boil this down to the bottom line.
What makes me a real friend? Just because she is being unreasonable, does that give me the right to be unreasonable back? Is she really being unreasonable?

See...this is the sort of thing that goes flying through my mind.

{from way back in the thread..}

Ah, Yes! You have every right to be reasonable. Why did you put the un in there? Did her guilt trip trick you into doing/feeling that?

Yes, you can support her union without being there. Asking for 700 miles and four days trip is my reasonable limit, 1400 miles and two weeks of your times is extreme. Why not a two to four hour river boat cruise? Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and Charleston, South Carolina are two closer locations for such river cruises. Heck, the great lakes are right there near you all (aren't they?) I am sure Virginia has river cruises too.

Her attitude? well Bride-zilla comes to mind at her selfish behavior. Funny but my bride and I took our after wedding vacation as a private affair to get away from other family/friend influence and get a good, stable start on our new life together (20 years ago past March). I think it was a good thing.

Why is she casting for so many life-lines from her past to be there long after the wedding ceremony is over?

Well, it comes down to a simple quote I keep hearing.

"It is good to want things."

But that doesn't mean you can always get what you want nor should anyone expect that.

--Jack

P.S. Okay, from the article:
Quote:
"In a lot of weddings, the bride is from one place, the groom is from across the country or someplace completely different, and what they do is, they get married in a neutral territory," Dolgin said
Really? Times must be changing. I my day (two decades ago and more) all the weddings were where the bride grew up and the groom and family traveled to the wedding. This was because it was her send off. From a biblical tradition, the bride leaves her family and joins her husband. My bride and I share time on vacation to visit both her and my family.

Someone else pointed out that it seemed like the grooms family was pushing for this destination wedding. Was it your friends idea? A grand, dream wedding that was unattainable until this man and his family came along? It sounded really bad that the groom's family was still pushing for this even when all the brides side were dropping like flies because of the cost/time/distance and extreme inconvenience.

It doesn't sound like a good, equal marriage if the groom and his family are setting the location and seem to be isolating her from her friends and family. That seems dangerously controlling to me. But maybe I am just paranoid ("CONSTANT VIGILANCE" echoes in my head from "Mad-Eye" Moody of Harry Potter series).

Use the knowledge from her mom. Why does she still want a destination wedding if it means none of her family and friends can afford the time or travel to attend? Is her man pushing her to this to separate her from her family and her friends?

The trip would be a good honeymoon after a local wedding. Who is she trying to please or hurt by excluding so much of her own family and friends?

Where will she and her new husband be making their home? Toronto, Edmonton, or elsewhere? Isn't this her last time to have her friends and family celebrate her. Why is she going to such distance to limit their participation?

Have I given you enough questions to pepper her with? When she lays a guilt question on you, then you counter with one of these or others that have been posted. Then also point out what a wedding should be.

But, I am not a counselor nor have I any training in psychology. I am a helpdesk analyst with customer service training. That only covers how to identify the callers personality to determine how to manage their expectations and turn it into an extra-ordinary customer experience. You phrase your response to satisfy the callers basic need but still conforms to what you can do.

I pray this will work out for the best.
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Last edited by OffJumpsJack : 05-03-2010 at 11:58 PM. Reason: I read the rest of the thread.
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