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Old 03-12-2011, 06:29 PM   #31
wellslipmystitches
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Woodi, I'm very impressed! Your haikus are super good! They are so extremely measured that they are good practice for disciplined writing.

I talk too much so it's great for me to practice brevity. However, yours say so much in so few words as they should. Many mess up the syllable count or arrive at words which mean little. It's very difficult to achieve a meaningful verse and keep the count too. There's the rub! But you've done it.

I really enjoyed them

Shakespeare's B-day is coming up in April and I enjoy writing in his style, just for fun. I'll see if I can find a couple that you might enjoy. Believe me, you've never heard 21st century Shakespeare at my house. Jean
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:20 PM   #32
kittykins
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Three ladies in the sauna
Jean, I said I'd share when I had something. Maybe a lot of you have heard this one before, but here goes....

Three women, 2 younger, and a senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager, she said, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.

When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand".

The other woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The other woman finally said......

WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Hope that brought a chuckle to someone today.
Jeanie

Last edited by kittykins : 05-12-2011 at 05:35 AM. Reason: add a word
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Old 05-13-2011, 10:44 AM   #33
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That's a giggler alright, Jeanie. I'd love to see more. Could really use some good laughs. Jean
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:35 PM   #34
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Newspaper must love unexpected humor from the public. Classified ads run in various newspapers

Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Free puppies... part German shepherd, part stupid dog.

German shepherd, 85 lbs. neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out awhile... better
be a reward.

1-man, 7-woman hot tub - $850/or best offer

Snow blower for sale... only used on snowy days.

Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nordictrack $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Hummers - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"

Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents/lb.

Nice parachute: never opened - used once.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer, $300.

Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember.

Open house: body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.

For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

* * * * *

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they
would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in
back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
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Old 05-17-2011, 12:16 PM   #35
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My whole family was sitting around the computer laughing out loud!!! That is some of the funniest stuff I have ever heard!!! Thank you so much for shareing
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Old 05-18-2011, 02:14 PM   #36
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Only $20.00
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition...

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment and then slowly removed $20 from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes barely concealing her anticipation and excitement and slowly and meaningfully said...
>
>
>
>
>
"Clean my house."

Jeanie
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Old 05-18-2011, 03:12 PM   #37
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My turn
MEN ARE HAPPIER PEOPLE BECAUSE......

-Your last name stays the same
-The garage is all yours
-Wedding plans take care of themselves
-Chocolate is just another snack
-You can never get pregnant
-You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park
-You can wear NO t-shirt to a water park
-Car mechanics tell you the truth
-You don't have to stop and think about which way to turn a nut on
a bolt
-Same work, more pay
-Wrinkles add character
-Her wedding dress $5,000 His tux rental $100
-People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them
-The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
-One mood all the time
-Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
-A five day vacation requires only one suitcase
-You can open all of your own jars
-You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
-If someone forgets to invite you, he can still be your friend
-You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
-You can play with toys all of your life
-Your belly usually hides your big hips
-One wallet, one color, all seasons
-You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look
-You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife
-You have freedom of choice regarding growing a mustache
-You can do Christmas shopping for twenty-five people on December
24 in 20 minutes
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Old 05-18-2011, 03:27 PM   #38
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As a senior at college, Steve would often engage women psychology
majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once,
Shelly and Steve got into a hot debate about whether men or women make
the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when
they get married.

To Steve’s surprise, Shelly agreed with him that men give up far more
than women.

"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their
cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry..."

* * * * * *

THE PRIZE

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask
which one should have the prize.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to
mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered, in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

* * * * *

Pregnancy Questions & Answers:


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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Old 05-18-2011, 05:47 PM   #39
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Jeanie and Sara, You're getting your giddyup in gear. Great laughs. Thanks so much.
The '35' kids reminded me of an old one.

A couple with 9 children asked their Dr. what they could do to prevent any more babies.

Dr. told the husband to make sure to place a rubber over his organ.

4 months later the couple was back - wife,obviously pregnant and husband obviously irked.

The husband complained and the Dr. said, "Did you put a rubber over your organ as I suggested?

The husband replied, "Well, we didn't have any rubber and no organ either, so I just threw a sheet over the piano and here we are pregnant again!"

This one is old enough to have whiskers, but who knows what you've been paying attention to?
Jean
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Old 05-18-2011, 06:55 PM   #40
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We all need a big smile or a good belly chuckle every day. When something comes my way, I'll be sure to pass it on.
.........................

Actually I might have something else. Let's see if I can find it. This will be a link and not really a joke....
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