How to get a man to step-up

[Rosey2376]

Any ideas?

I have a ton of work to do, and I still have to fit in the housework, the school run, the organising and all the other mum stuff.
But the man of the house just moans that I'm a tad stressed and, well, witchy. Which I am. Cos I'm tired.

Any creative ideas for getting him to step up his game and help take on some of the mum stuff? Nagging sure aint working.

[Jan in CA]

If any of his complaints involve you not being here for him then suggest if you had some help you'd have more time. Make a list of all the things you have to do in a day with appx times it would take for each one...don't shortchange yourself either.

Don't know if it will help him to work, but at the very least it'll help you maybe streamline what you have to do, too.

[dudeKnit]

Speaking as a man, but not knowing the situation there I always help out around the house and with "mum stuff" which is parenting not just for moms. My wife and I have a daughter, I actively participate in housework as well as shuttling the kid where she needs to go. Mainly it's because a relationship is a partnership, but mostly because I don't want my daughter growing up thinking it's her sole duty to wait on a man because that's what mom did.

It's not 1940 it's 2013, there are stay at home dads and moms that are sole bread winners of the house. It takes 2 or 3 people less time to clean a house than it takes 1.

Ease him into it. Have him dust or hoover, or clean up the bathrooms.

My penance for my Sunday morning rc flying excursions is to clean the bathrooms, which I think is more than fair.

[butlersabroad]

Stop making his dinners, stop ironing his shirts, stop packing his lunch.... when he has no clean shirts for work, has to buy a lunch and doesn't have the prospect of a hot dinner waiting for him then he should get the idea!

You have to ask yourself, does he let you do it because you've always done it? If the answer is yes, then you have to stop doing it all.

[GrumpyGramma]

Stop making his dinners, stop ironing his shirts, stop packing his lunch.... when he has no clean shirts for work, has to buy a lunch and doesn't have the prospect of a hot dinner waiting for him then he should get the idea!

You have to ask yourself, does he let you do it because you've always done it? If the answer is yes, then you have to stop doing it all.

I guess that and other things will work with some people, male or female. My situation was, he wanted mommy to tell him what to do, how to do it, when to do it, and then he got upset if I tried to get him to do anything because I wouldn't be mommy. He now is married to a mommy who loves bossing him around and apparently they are doing just fine. Some individuals simply don't grow up. I surely hope this isn't the case for the OP. Best of luck in finding a solution.

[Antares]

I would try sitting down and talking with him. He needs to remember that you're not his mother and that this is a marriage, a partnership--not a master/slave situation. I would calmly and politely tell him that as part of the marriage agreement, you have the right to expect his help. And if he doesn't start helping, then the things that won't get done are the things that he needs (as others have mentioned)! Then I would point out that you know he hates your nagging and you don't like it either, so from here on out you'll stop nagging him. But then firmly remind him that when he refuses to help you when you ASK (or even when you don't), he will be the one that suffers!

This is essentially drawing your boundaries and sticking to them. You can only control you, so take care of your business and let him suffer the consequences of neglecting his!

[vaknitter]

I could have written this post ! I was going to say that I decided nagging wasn't getting me anywhere other than angry so I stopped. I decided to listen to my grandmother who always said "You catch more flies with honey." It seemed to be working well until this last week.
I've love to be the type of person who could just stop doing stuff but I am not. I need things to be clean.
If you figure it out let us know

[newamy]

Go Dudeknit! I just read this thread an you said it in a nutshell.. It's a partnership. There has to be a division of labor sometimes it's along traditional gender lines and sometimes not but as long as people talk and work together as partners it can work out. Good for you for helping but most of all recognizing that your role and actions will influence what your daughter grows up to see and believe about relationships.

[socklady]

Alot of men simply dont know what to do they need you to tell them exactly what youneed them to help you with. Its not that they mind helping they just dont know how