My Daughter Has Totally Broken My Heart This Time

[Kaydee]

We have watched the Dateline "To Catch a Predator" episodes together. On the show, they read back some of the chatter that has gone on between the decoy and the predator. It's pretty graphic stuff. She "knows" what's out there. She's a smart girl in some ways.

I think the problem with many teens is that while they know the dangers are out there they seem to think they are invincible. They think "well sure that happened to that girl, but I'm smart so there's no way it'll happen to me". I know I thought like that when I was a teen and I have to say thankfully I never really got burned by a situation. Maybe something bad won't happen but unfortunately we can't predict that so they need to be careful since you really don't know what could happen.

[robynbird]

UGH! I'm so sorry! I'll be praying for you.

[Silver]

I am so sorry Nathalie!

I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom for you, but I'm afraid I'm just a year or so away from the MySpace age myself.

The only thing I can say is that we keep the computers in the living room so we can see what either kid is doing online at any time. Mostly they're all about Neopets (the girl) and World of Warcraft (the boy). But I'm worried about what's to come in the future... hence my siggy quote. :-?

[Chel]

Being a teenager is difficult in that you in no way understand that things will happen to YOU. The infallibility of youth is one of the greatest gifts of being a teenager-but its also quite dangerous. No matter how much you understand something is dangerous, it doesn't mean that they get it. Also you WANT them to tell you the truth, but thats only 1% of the battle. The other 99% is getting THEM to WANT to be honest.

I think it has to do with a level of experience regarding interaction in a world thats much bigger than we are. For example... infants up to 10 months are fine with being left alone in a room. Somewhere between 10-14 months the start to get clingy and cry when you leave and will look for you if you disappear. They realize that when you disappear you still exist somewhere outside their range of vision.

We as adults are on the opposite end of that scale because of our level of experience dealing with the wide world.

Teens are limited in their view because their world is mostly made up by their realm of experience. We are also taught from a young age that T.V. isn't real. If she has been loved, cared for in her life then bad people simply aren't real to her. They are more like an abstract concept.

Its not just kids-we adults tend to be this way too. Good things, like Amber Alerts and the CMEC should have ALWAYS been in existance. But they wern't until someone became outraged at their child being hurt or killed. Do you ever hear a parent say, "Well, yeah I was pretty sure one day my kid would be kidnapped while she was walking home from school." The fact that you have a broader understanding of the dangers due to DH's job is great... but you also have age and experience behind that understanding.

Also, when it comes to MySpace and Facebook and other sites, its hard to tell a kid that its dangerous when the other 300 kids they know are doing it and still safe and fine.

My friend battled this with her 14 year old son, who is now 15 1/2. The compromise was that he uses My Space ONLY. He gave his password and screen name to his mom so she can check his friends list. Out of respect for his privacy she reads his comments but NOT his inbox or outbox. The only friends he is allowed to have on there are kids she has actually met in person. She checks to make sure he isn't giving away personal info in his profile and his mailbox is set up so he can ONLY receive messages from people on his friends list.

I understand you have to stand behind your rules, and that your child has betrayed your trust. Thats is hurtful and that trust will have to be earned back. I also am not sure of her age.

Growing up is hard on kids as well as parents. We work hard to instill morals and values in our kids. Then the day comes when we have to trust that we did a good job and let them test things out for themselves.

It sounds like you have a good kid. It sounds like you are a good parent. This sounds like a bump in the road, and in the end my advice would be to keep the lines of communication open. Yes she lied and there are consequences for that but there are reasons she lied and covered her tracks and that is what you need to find out.

[ekgheiy]

Something I've learned, though, is that doing all of that (passwords, etc.) won't solve the problem. ...

Thanks for the explanation; I was completely lost.

I agree that passwords won't help. After all, most libraries offer free internet access. Would it be too "outside the box" to let her have her accounts and then just periodically make your presence know there? Or maybe even create your own account and add each other to your friends lists? Maybe it will help improve communication? Maybe allowing her to have the account will rid the novelty and she won't be interested in it anymore? Maybe exposing her to more guided freedoms will help hone her "trouble meter" and thus spot and avoid trouble more effectively? Or maybe not. But maybe it's worth a try?

I don't have any kids. But growing up, my parents gave us a bunch of freedoms that other kids didn't have (ie: we were allowed to drink alcohol, watch 'R' movies, stay up late, drive etc ...) As a result, it made us WAY less likely to do stupid things in order to experience those freedoms - as some of the other kids did and thus were punished. I realize that times are certainly different now, but thinking "out of box" worked for my parents because I very humbly think I turned out a pretty decent person. I never had any trouble in school and my parents never had any problems with the decisions that I made as a kid.

I hope you find what works best for you and your family!!

[knitwit88]

As hard as it is, I think taking away all soccer would probably be the best thing. From what I've read in your threads, soccer is the only thing she's consistently cared about. My advice would be to lock the computer up so she cant use it at all, unless you specifically log in for her, make her come directly home after school each day, no contact with friends outside of school, no TV, take all of her soccer stuff and lock it up, let her friends moms know exactly whats going on, so if she is "studying" over at a friends house, you know they wont be on myspace. Best wishes and lots of s,

Cassidy

[Inis]

Wish I could give you concrete advice.

All I can say is try to keep it all in perspective. Your daughter isn't on drugs or involved in gangs (at least I HOPE NOT!). As bad as you feel it is, it COULD be worse.

I think giving in on MySpace or Facebook at this point would be a bad idea. It would insinuate that DD tactics work and will cause her to continue to disobey.

Counseling is a GREAT idea - together, and solo with separate counselors. Good luck!

[figaro]

I am so sorry you are going through this! I really hope that that all of you are able to figure out why she is being so deceptive and help her get past it. And it sounds like she is like all the other teenagers who think it won't happen to them. I truly hope that you are all able to rebuild the trust and respect along with finding out why she is so angry...

[GinnyG]

My daughter started to lie to me at age 12 and I don't think I heard a word of truth from her again til she was over 20. It was devastating, heartbreaking and changed my life forever. She is now 23 and our relationship is much better but I will never get those lost years back and honestly don't think I'll ever get over the loss of the relationship we "could" have had.

For many years I blamed myself and still play the "what if game" but I did everything I knew to do and could not change the course she set for herself.

My heart just breaks for you because I know what pain you are in.

The best advice I can give you is get a THERAPIST FOR YOU. You need someone to talk to to help you thorugh this very difficult time.

[cando]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this!

Is it possible she knows your views but doesn't agree with them and therefore disobeys? At her age, I disagreed with several of my parents' rules and probably broke every one of them at some point. And covered my tracks well each time.
I'm sure my parents thought it was out of disrespect but the truth wasn't so simple. In many ways I thought of myself as an adult and resented being treated like a child - mainly being told what to do and what not to do. My mom, especially, used to like laying down the rules and then insist we obey regardless of whether we agreed. My dad's approach worked better - he rarely told us what to do or not do. Instead, he would get our thinking to change with his opinions, stories, funny incidents etc. We then had a better chance of making the right decision by ourselves.

My aunt and uncle are another example struggling to deal with their son. He's about 17 now and has been terribly angry with his parents for several years. His parents are very protective (overprotective IMO). He has been going for counseling for over an year now, but truthfully his attitude hasn't changed any. He claims he hates his mom because of her ultra-conservative parenting methods and the only way for him to get over it is to leave home. They won't let him do that because they feel he'll only do himself more harm without supervision *sigh*

Hang in there. I hope you find a good counselor who can find the root of the problem and help you resolve it.