My Daughter Has Totally Broken My Heart This Time

[msoebel]

Oh, maybe I should add that I am a Christian counselor.

People have pretty weird ideas about what that means.

No, I don't neccesarily pray with everyone I counsel (Depending on the situation, I would ask if they would like me to pray with them). When I talk with teenagers about what is going on at home, I don't start talking about evil spirits and Satan. We discuss the whys of their decisions and behavior.

Basically, a Christian counselor is a professionally trained counselor who believes in God, and who may bring God into the counseling sessions. For example, in this situation with auburn chick and her dd, I would ask her dd why she felt she needed to have these accounts. And if they were so important to her to have, why she didn't try to discuss the situation as an adult, rather than sneak around behind her parent's backs. We would discuss consequences for behavior, I would ask her why she thinks her parents don't want her to have the accounts, and if she agrees with their reasoning. I would ask her about the hostility she feels toward her mom and I would work with her and auburn chick to develop communication.

And yes, because I am a Christian counselor, I might ask her about her thoughts on God and how He fits into the whole thing.

For some reason, people think that Christian counselors are huggy prayer freaks whose sessions involve casting out demons and shoving God down people's throats.

It's not like that at all. At least if you go one who is actually trained!

Misty

[Miss Moosey]

A good counselor will not "fix your daughter" so that she finally does what you want. The counselor will probably fix your family. The work will not be entirely on your DD's shoulders, there are chances the counselor will make you change some things as well. That's what I meant in my first post. My mom is a counselor, and the families she work with are sometimes very surprised. A lot of families come in with problems with a teenager. But sometimes the problem isn't the teenager at all...

I would suggest at some point maybe bringing the whole family in for counseling a few times. I'm not suggesting that your family needs to be "fixed" (far from it!). But a counselor might help you all be able to communicate better with each other at home or air feelings that are uncomfortable to just bring up in any other setting.

Another thing--be sure to communicate to your daughter that your anger about the websites is really secondary. From what I have read, it seems like the big issue here is trust. Your daughter might be more likely to shrug you off if you make this just about her web usage, but maybe talking about how hurt you are that you can't trust her will hit home for her. When I was younger I didn't really care about making my mom angry, but I couldn't bear to see my mom sad (my mom is a master of Jewish Mother Guilt).

Have faith that there will be brighter days ahead!
Rebecca

[Rorshach]

Hey Nathalie, I understand to a certain extent what you're going through, and if you are concerned about further violations that your daughter may or may not commit on the computer, one thing to get is a keylogger. basically what it is, is a hard- or software program that will record all keystrokes, whether they be writing a letter, or surfing the internet, especially if she's clearing the history to cover her tracks, she'll have to retype the web address to get where she wants to go. I know it seems a kinda harsh thing to do, but it is only a suggestion that you might take a look into.

[auburnchick]

Perhaps I missed something...but to my knowledge there wasn't any indication that auburnchick's daughter was going through a religious identity crisis.

Misty,

Thank you! I appreciate how you explained your role as a Christian counselor as well.

Y'all need to realize that my dd ASKED for counseling. I did not suggest this to her. She came to me out of her own volition and requested it.

I don't expect anyone to "fix" her. She just needs someone to talk to. I prefer if that listening ear is a Christian. She needs to try to understand why she is choosing to disobey us.

I fully expect this to lead to family counseling as I don't think that her problems just suddenly appeared one day. I feel as if a lot of her problems are my fault. I am willing to own up to that. I have faith that God can fix our brokenness.

I came to y'all because I don't have many friends IRL. I don't have time. I spend a lot of time on the computer doing school work. It's natural to flip over to another tab and check out what's going on here. Some people go to lunch with friends. I don't have that luxury. However now I am starting to feel self-conscious about having shared what I did. I can only hope that by putting myself out there (here, I mean), someone else will be helped -- someone who may be going through something similar or maybe someone who, in the future, will remember this thread and draw ideas and support from it.

If some of you feel that I've violated my daughter's trust in doing so...well, I can only offer this. Do you not ever talk to friends about your child-rearing, spousal, or significant other issues? We all need people to lean on. Maybe this isn't the right place for that, and if I've offended anyone, well then I apologize.

I'm not mad, and I'm not upset. I appreciate everyone's suggestions, but this thread took a turn I did not expect. But that's a risk we take when we delve into hot topics like parenting.

I still care a lot for all of you...even if I disagree with your opinions.

[Kaydee]

I do not believe in letting your kids "find their way" in a religious sense. They need guidance. There is nothing bad about Christianity. What's so bad about choosing not to watch a sex-filled movie? What is so bad about praying? Only good can come from it.

I completely agree with you on this. My mother always believed that it was important to raise us in some kind of religious setting, whatever that may be, for my family it was Catholicism. She was raised Catholic and got married within the church but wasn’t really strongly practicing her religion. When she had my brother and I she wanted to raise us Catholic so we went to church and CCD class every week. When I got in high school and was making my Confirmation we were told that it should be our choice that we were there and we were old enough that our parents couldn’t “force” us to be doing this. Well I went home and told my mom that I decided that I didn’t want to make my Confirmation. She didn’t force me to go back to classes but she defiantly talked me into going back. After I graduated high school I ended up going to a Catholic college, it wasn’t necessarily because of the fact that it was Catholic, but more because I really liked the school. Now my parents didn’t raise us as strict Catholics but we did attend church and such. I was very surprised when I went to college the rules that we were expected to follow (nothing major just things like they didn’t serve meat on Fridays so if you ate in the cafeteria you couldn’t get any kind of meat only fish and veggies and such. You could though cook meat in your apartment, it wasn’t a rule that you couldn’t eat mean just that we weren’t allowed to get it in the school facilities). I think something that may have drawn me away from my religion is that there are many beliefs that I just simply do not share. Attending a Catholic college not practicing my religion very strongly was an interesting experience for me, but I loved my school and would never change my choice to go there for anything in the world, I had a great four years there. I guess what I’m trying to say is that kids do need guidance and it helps many of them to identify with a certain religion. Who knows what your DD is thinking, I certainly don’t know how she identifies with Christianity but it certainly is doing no harm to her by teaching her Christian beliefs. In my opinion kids should grow up learning something, anything to believe in and they can then choose later whether or not they want to continue on with it. I commend you for trying to raise your kids with strong beliefs and I’m sure its not easy with many of the pressures and things they face these days as teens.

[ekgheiy]

Y'all need to realize that my dd ASKED for counseling. I did not suggest this to her. She came to me out of her own volition and requested it.
...
If some of you feel that I've violated my daughter's trust in doing so...well, I can only offer this. Do you not ever talk to friends about your child-rearing, spousal, or significant other issues? We all need people to lean on. Maybe this isn't the right place for that, and if I've offended anyone, well then I apologize.

She asked for counseling??? Sweet!!! Take the ball and run with; let her have it!!!

That's quite a mature request IMHO and shows that she recognizes opportunity for improvement. Lovely!!

For what it's worth, you didn't offend me. RE: Your daughter feeling violated ... :thinking: I think it depends on who is reading this. Considering that I'm reading it, she shouldn't feel violated because at the end of the day ... I don't know who she is.

Now if her friends or other people who actually know her are reading it, then she may have an argument because they all of sudden know more about her than she has told them. Of course, this would be predicated upon them knowing what forum to read, what thread to read and your user name.

[Trippy]

Ergh.
I'm not exactly having the same trouble- my Mum kind of knows I have a Myspace, but I shouldn't.
But the only reason I made one was for my friends. Some are moving, and we're going to different high schools. I know phone, mall, etc, is an option, but a lot of us don't have time for it. (However, I didn't delete the history on my page- I know how to do so, but I didn't. My Mum also never up front asked me "Do you have a Myspace?" so I never felt the need to tell her I do. Lying like that is like WOAH bad news, and I feel sorry for you.)
Maybe you could sort of compromise, to prevent this from happening again? Maybe say " Okay, DD, you can have a Myspace, but only if you don't post any indentifieable information about yourself and set guidelines for your friends- no swearing, no personal info, etc, and you promise to keep me updated?" I did that. Er, set guidelines for my friends. My Myspace page is now clean as a... bathtub? I make sure my friends respect that, or I delete them from my list for a few days. (Since I posted the guidelines, I have never had to do that.)

::glomp::

[Jeremy]

I just read through the whole thread and after reading your last comment I went back and read your first. You certainly are a good parent doing the very best for your child. You didn't ask for any advice and got a bunch, all of it well intended but much of it confusing and, as you said, based on an incomplete understanding of the facts. You dealt with all of it gracefully.

I have, to some degree, been in these same shoes this past year. Not the same set of facts but similar enough to empathize. It is only recently that I've been able to wipe away some of the feelings of anger and betrayal. It is difficult indeed to talk about these feelings.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[auburnchick]

Jeremy,

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate them. I was hesitant to put in the last bit of my previous post because I was concerned it would be taken the wrong way.

I understand that it's natural for people to offer advice. We want to help each other. And I turned to this forum because it was nearly midnight, and I didn't think I could call my sister and friend that late at night.

We all, at various times, need validation that we're doing the right thing. Maybe I was also looking for that in my original post.

Anyhow, thanks for the support.

[iza]

I want to say I'm very sorry if you felt judged by my comment. It's hard for me sometimes to express myself correctly in English and I did mean to support you, not judge you. Your daughter asked for help and you are providing it to her, in the end, it's the only thing that really matters.