- blended family advice

[GinnyG]

I have been on both sides of that fence. I raised 3 step children (they lived with us and visisted theri Mom) AND after my divorce I had to deal with my daughter's Father's girlfriend. I always tried to have a good relationship with BOTH women.

I did not met my husband til long after he divorced and we were divorced before he met the "new" woman. So I had no reason to start the relationships with any animosity and I always tried to remember that.

I always made sure my step children were comfortable talking about their own mother and comfortable coming and going between the two houses with freedom from guilt. Despite the fact that they lived with me I always insisted they call me by my name and NOT Mom. I believe that as long as the other parent (whether it is a Mom or a Dad) is actively involved in a childs life the title of Mom or Dad belings to them and it is direspectful of that relationship to expect them to call you, the step parent, by that title. I think it is very confusing for a child, especially if they are young, to have two "Mom's" or two "Dad's".

When I got divorced and my biological daughter started to spend time with her Father and his girl friend I kept reminding myself that it was HIM I had a problem with not her and that the nicer I was to the girl friend the better attitude she would have toward my daughter and the less likely there would be to be rivalry.

Sharing a child with a girlfriend or new wife can be very threatening to a Mom and I guess my advice to you would be NOT to try to become a Mom but to just be another person in their life that loves and cares about them. Try to understand that the Mom may have a difficult time with the situation and the more you can do to make her comfortable the easier it will be in the long run.

On the flip side being a step parent is the HARDEST job in the world, even harder than being a parent. And to be honest with you, and perhaps it is because my marriage didn't work out, if I had to do it all over again I would NEVER marry a man with children.

[letah75]

And to be honest with you, and perhaps it is because my marriage didn't work out, if I had to do it all over again I would NEVER marry a man with children.

Honestly, if daddy wasn't who he was, and if I didn't know him prior, and we didn't have the history we do have...I wouldn't have gotten together with him either.

Personally, I want the family and kids, ya know the whole shebang. But relationships are hard enough without the added pressure of ex's still in their life, and in their life forever. Cause lets face it, the age of 18 doesn't mean the end of anything for a parent. And the added pressure of kids, and possibilities of Courts, child support, visiting, etc.

But because I know him, and we're not really just starting out....and we have that strong base relationship already. All the other stuff doesn't matter. It's just a part of his life. But if it was a new person, I've always wanted to be able to focus on that person without other distractions. Perhaps thats not a popular feeling, but that's how I've always been.

I was SURE I'd never have step kids, or ex's, etc. to deal with...but I guess someone had a different path in mind for me. But it's a good one, and I'm thankful for it. Because Little jr. is an amazing and wonderful kid. So fun, so good, so cute, and a joy to be around. And daddy...well daddy is perfect.

[Dangles]

I'm happy you're happy, letah.

[KnittingNat]

First of all, i'm glad to hear everything is going just fine with you and the new/old found love As for the Jr. ,i think you're doing a great job. Maybe, as someone noticed before, you could mention to him that his Mommy will be delighted if he showed her the stuff first. I know a family (the husband works with me), where the kids spend a lot of time with their dad (they have a joint custody) and each of them has a room and daddy goes to their different activities. He remarried about 3.5 years ago and he and the new wife started to try for a baby. She in a problematic age for that (mid 40), so all of this time she was available to the kids, she cooked great meals, took them to the activities and everything),but...now she finally got pregnant and while the boy got very excited, the girl got a bit jealous and frustrated and i think it will take time for them to adjust to the fact that there will be a little baby, who needs constant attention, on their expense. I really hope it won't happen to you, but when you have your own baby, it's hard to raise a step child and you need to be extra attentive to him and prepare Jr. for the change. Big hugs