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Old 10-20-2010, 09:52 AM   #1
Michaele
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Pre-Marital Sex
I feel so empty right now. I'm starting to think that sex before marriage is really a bad idea. I want to be close to someone and be able to trust them, but it seems as if when I give in to temptation I end up getting hurt.

I really liked this guy, and I believe that if I had not slept with him we would still be together right now. I still don't think that my mother was right when she said that all men are dogs, but if you make sex a priority before other relationship adhesives like trust and respect have truly been developed, then there's not much to hold the relationship together. Which is why ours fell apart.

But then again, I have to ask myself why he didn't feel the need to try to develop these things, even though we'd already known each other? I think it's because he might want to rekindle an old flame, and seeing as he's already had me, it's not that difficult for him to pick up things up with her.

What an awful person. His excuse will be that I'm am the jealous type, but he's too stubborn and prideful to admit that he really just wants his cake and to eat it too.

So. From now on, I really have to follow my new philosophy, because for a situation like this to occur is one too many. I never want it to happen to me again. When the next guy that seems interested in me comes around, I'll have to really stop and think about my new steps to a successful relationship: friendship first, never tease or create dangerous temptation, monogamy, and then sex.

But how long should this process take? I think that at least 1-2 months is an favorable time frame, but I know that the longer it takes, the more tension and frustration can build. What do you think? I'm really interested in hearing your perspectives, especially males.
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Old 10-20-2010, 01:33 PM   #2
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Legal Disclaimer: I must say that I am a guy and therefore may have a different perspective on this.

I do not believe that having sex before marriage or not having sex before marriage is a good or bad idea. I also do not believe sex is or should be the glue that holds a relationship together. It can be a wonderful icing on a great relationship.

The time it takes to become partners takes what it takes. It may be a matter of day or months or years. If there are true feelings then the needs of the other partner will be very important. It may also depend on the chronological and emotional age of the two people. During the pre-teens and teenage years everyone is trying to truly understand and define what love and relationships truly mean. This learning experience may take a long time and may/will have many ups and downs and a number of different partners. Until you understand what a relationship means to you go slow.


If one partner does not feel that it is the right time for a physical relationship then a true friend/partner will understand and honor that feeling. Since sex cannot be un-had, then the needs of the partner wanting to wait should have priority. If a man truly cares then “cold showers” rather than pressuring a partner may be part of that caring. A true man will take these “showers” as part of growing together and should not be used to embarrass or pressure the lady.


Also, it is your body and your emotions; they are yours to control totally. If it feels uncomfortable then don’t do it do not be pushed or blackmailed into anything you don’t want to do. One thing I made clear to my wife early in our relationship, over 33 years ago, is that I consider the statement “If you truly loved me you would ______” (fill in the blank) to be emotional blackmail and I would not stand for emotional blackmail.
Not all men are dogs, many/most are, but there are a few princes out there. Your job is to search through the dogs to find the princes. This is not an easy job, learn to spot the dogs early, go slow with the princes because there are some dogs that will dress up as princes. But, when you find your prince you will find happiness.


Go slow, if it is right it is worth the wait, if it is not right it is not worth the pain.
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Old 10-20-2010, 01:33 PM   #3
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A question I should have asked before posting, what is your age?
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Old 10-20-2010, 03:23 PM   #4
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Thank you so much for replying! All of what you said is very true.

I am 20 years old. I have had my fun, and I would like to be in a serious relationship from this day forward. Currently, I'm in my junior year of college, and academic life makes it difficult to be selective. But I will not rush intimacy for the sake of being with someone, because a good man will understand that I'm waiting until the time is right.
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Old 10-20-2010, 04:14 PM   #5
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Cacunn, what you said was beautifully perfect. I don't think anyone could say it better. I wish we had an "agree" button to click like on Ravelry.

Michaele, you are 20 years old. I know you want a "forever" relationship right now, but you have so much life to live before you settle down. There is no rush. Have fun with your educational opportunities and extracurricular activities. The right guy will come along and fit in to your life if you live the way YOU want to live and do the things you want to do. Do not conform your likes and dislikes to someone else's just so you can have a relationship (that includes having sex if you're not ready). It never works and you'll always end up hurt.

I cannot stress this enough - You do not need a man in your life to make your life complete. You must make yourself happy first. Only then will you be able to know what you are looking for in a partner. Please don't rush things. Sex or otherwise. No matter what life throws at you remember that you always want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see and be true and honest with yourself first and foremost. You sound like a great girl. Don't be so hard on yourself. Waiting is perfectly acceptable.

Keep re-reading cacunn's post, it's perfect.
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Old 10-20-2010, 06:43 PM   #6
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Waiting is for intimacy is good, but at 20 you've got a lot of living and growing personally left to do. I am almost 58 and I can tell you I am NOT the same person I was at 21 when I got married. I've been married 36 yrs now and I'm happy, but in many ways I wish I had give myself more time to mature and get to know myself before I'd gotten married. That means getting to know lots of guys because what you want out of life really will change as you grow so don't be in a hurry.
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Old 10-20-2010, 08:48 PM   #7
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Relax 20 is young, I was 28 not looking or interested in marriage when I met this lady. Then it was too late. Enjoy, meet guy to make friends, go out with guys as friends, make it clear that you are not in a hurry to enter a relationship. If relationship comes along find if not then that is fine also. The harder you try the harder it will be to see the princes for the dogs.

If he doesn't want to be your friend now, will he be a friend later? If he is willing to be a friend and later becomes your lover this will be a great relationship!

Now go get a couple of girl friends together and go get a cup of coffee. Have fun, sit there watching the guy discuss their good and bad points but don't worry about getting picked up or picking up a guy, just have fun with the girls.
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Old 10-21-2010, 11:02 AM   #8
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Cancunn has expressed my views perfectly.

Something else to think about: There's a woman who works for my company who worries me a bit: when she's in a relationship we all know it because she's pleasant. When she's not, she's tempermental. I want her to be happy, but something seems a bit off when her happiness is so clearly tied to her being in a relationship. What kind of relationship does she have with herself?
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Old 10-22-2010, 12:21 AM   #9
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Cacunn, you are a sensitive genious!
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:11 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by melmac51 View Post
Cacunn, you are a sensitive genious!
Please don't say that to loud I'll get in trouble with the shop steward. I'm already in trouble for wearing skirts (kilts) and knitting.
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