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Old 11-01-2008, 02:29 PM   #1
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OT: Joke thread
Where is it? I did a search and went back 10 pages and couldn't find it. Oh well, let's start a new one. Bring on the jokes!!!
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Old 11-01-2008, 10:01 PM   #2
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Alright I'll go first


The Pope was in town for some boring meetings, nothing special. Having never
driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a
while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much of a choice,
so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes
the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down the highway, and starts accelerating
to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and
suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of a cop in his
mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please,
I need to call in."


The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief
that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and
asks how to handle it.


"Is it the Governor?"


"No! Even more important!"


"Is it the PRESIDENT???"


"No sir! Even *more* important!"


"Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.


"I don't know sir," replies the trooper, "but the Popes his driver."
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War doesn't determine who is right: It determines who is left
-That's OK, I wasn't using my civil liberties anyway....
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Reading: Barbara Kingsolver
Knitting: socks


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Old 11-02-2008, 12:11 AM   #3
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One of my FAVS!!!


One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the
front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and
the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
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Old 11-02-2008, 12:21 AM   #4
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Ok, another (or a few more)...lol...I have a TON saved on my computer

Advertising Lingo


Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.


*****


An Adult Christmas Story

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves weren't making toys as fast as the regulars, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa out even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found the three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had drunk everything. In frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten it. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door, cussing all the way. When he opened the door, there stood an angel with a tree.

"Where would you like to put the tree?" the angel asked.

And that, my friend is how the angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.


******

Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2... Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting &Prayer Conference
includes meals.

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due
to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.

28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"


*****

Ok, that's all I'll post for now...lol
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Old 11-02-2008, 01:14 AM   #5
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Ok, just had to add one more...lol...Going through all my jokes and forgot about this one!

History's Worst Typo

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebRate."
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Old 11-02-2008, 02:25 PM   #6
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LOL Demonica! Celebrate!
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Old 11-02-2008, 03:14 PM   #7
Denise in Michigan
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Apologies in advance to our male crafters (although this could actually work both ways!):
How to Stay Married
A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

*******************************

Error messages from your system...









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Old 11-02-2008, 04:52 PM   #8
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> Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

>
> Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
>
> Q: What can a man do while his wife is going throughmenopause?
>
> A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
>
> Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in theBible. Is that
> true? Where can it be found?
>
> A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt.."
>
> Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
>
> A: Tell him you're pregnant.
>
> Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of theelderly-----wrinkles?
>
> A: Take off your glasses
>
> Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face
>
> A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
>
> Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
>
> A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
>
> Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
>
> A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
>
> Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
>
> A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
>
> Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
>
> A: On their foreheads.
>
> Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
>
> A: "Gosh, I remember these."

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Old 11-02-2008, 10:24 PM   #9
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What's red and smells like blue paint?







. . . . . . . . . .














.. . . . . . . . .










Red paint.
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Old 11-03-2008, 12:29 AM   #10
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INGRID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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