Ok, another (or a few more)...lol...I have a TON saved on my computer
Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
An Adult Christmas Story
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves weren't making toys as fast as the regulars, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa out even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found the three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had drunk everything. In frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten it. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door, cussing all the way. When he opened the door, there stood an angel with a tree.
"Where would you like to put the tree?" the angel asked.
And that, my friend is how the angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Church Bulletin Bloopers:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2... Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting &Prayer Conference
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due
to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"
Ok, that's all I'll post for now...lol