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Old 02-23-2011, 02:36 PM   #11
wellslipmystitches
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Ah, yes! Now the fun begins. We've missed you Demonica.

I've read all in the old jokes and I remember jokes very well. Yours, today, are new to me and they're grrrrreat!

So glad you've chimed in and I hope lots more members won't be shy and will add to this list. It certainly lifts spirits on a dreary, worrisome day.

Hey - Your airline jokes reminded me of one. I don't have the text so I'll have to improvise.

Promises, promises - "Take a Chance" airline. We save money by not providing all the frills of other competitors. We have no meals, no drinks, no oxygen masks. However, rather than a flotation device in your seat cushion we provide a low cost alternative . . . a parachute to every individual on our planes.

We hope your flight is uneventful because the parachutes only open on impact!!
Jean
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Old 02-23-2011, 04:12 PM   #12
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100% Virgin Wool
I can't take credit for the actual laugh line, but I asked what type of sheep Lion Brand's Fishermen's Wool comes from, adding that the label said it was 100% Pure Virgin Wool....here were the hilarious responses:

Originally Posted by KatzKnitter View Post
A virgin wool sheep has never had sex.
Originally Posted by wellslipmystitches View Post
Yes Katz, But they've been subjected to some shearly, naked events where they dropped their coats with little protest!!!
Ohhh, the scandal of it all!

Jean
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Old 02-24-2011, 11:18 AM   #13
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More Jokes!



Advertising Lingo: Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

* * * * *

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: If we don't get some support soon people are going to think were nuts.

* * * * *

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the
front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
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Old 02-24-2011, 06:48 PM   #14
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Old 02-24-2011, 07:14 PM   #15
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Yep, that makes more sense than the stupid, pie shaped indicators for investors. Very succint and meaningful. Can't make a mistake with such truth.
Jean
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Old 02-25-2011, 04:50 AM   #16
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Do knit stitches have crossed legs only when they have bladder problems?

Knitting Haiku:

Whenever I knit
I reach the toes and I find
I have not enough wool
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Old 02-25-2011, 04:53 AM   #17
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A woman was knitting on a plane in the emergency exit row. The flight attendant came by and asked if she would be able to open the door in the event of an emergency. The knitter responded, "Yes as soon as I finish knitting the row."
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Old 02-25-2011, 04:57 AM   #18
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A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

.................................................. ...........

Oh, the bladder joke was mine also.
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Old 02-25-2011, 04:59 AM   #19
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http://www.amazon.com/Itches-Stash-K...7862595&sr=8-1
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Old 02-25-2011, 05:03 AM   #20
KatzKnitter
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A scientist crossed a sheep with a porcupine.
He got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

(groan!!)
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