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Old 02-25-2011, 11:34 PM   #21
saracidaltendencies
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Church Bulletin Bloopers


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"
__________________
--The member formerly known as Demonica

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
- Mahatma Gandhi

Last edited by saracidaltendencies : 02-28-2011 at 11:19 AM.
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Old 02-25-2011, 11:38 PM   #22
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Old 02-26-2011, 12:54 AM   #23
wellslipmystitches
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Demonica, As usual - another winner!
Jean
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Old 02-28-2011, 04:24 PM   #24
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Here are a couple of good stories I copied from the old forum laugh line. I think many of you haven't seen them and they're too good to ignore. Enjoy! Jean

> THE BOTTLE OF WINE
>
> For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
>
> Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
>
> As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
>
> 'What in bag?' asked the old woman .
>
> Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
>
> The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: ' Good trade '...
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
>
> Attention deficit??!!!??
>
> I decide to water my garden.
>
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
>
> But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
>
> I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
>
> At the end of the day:
>
> ----the car isn't washed,
> ----the bills aren't paid,
> ----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
> ----the flowers don't have enough water,
> ----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
> ----I can't find the remote,
> ----I can't find my glasses,
> ----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
>
>
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
>
> I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. __________________
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Old 02-28-2011, 05:15 PM   #25
KatzKnitter
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You're a hoot, wellslip! I copied the first one to send to a friend whose husband is part Cherokee.

We've been passing February nicely; it's almost gone!!
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Old 03-01-2011, 09:20 PM   #26
saracidaltendencies
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Sorry in advance, guys!

Subject: Classes For Men At Local Learning Center

Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults..
Sign-up by June 30th

NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content,
each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

TOPIC 1
HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step, with slide presentation.

TOPIC 2
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3
IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group Practice.

TOPIC 4
FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5
THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on Video.

TOPIC 6
LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
Help line support and support groups.

TOPIC 7
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.

TOPIC 8
HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audiotape.

TOPIC 9
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11
LEARNING TO LIVE - BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE.
Online Classes and Role-Playing.

TOPIC 12
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13
HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

TOPIC 14
CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so that they can be easily found.

* * * * *

Courtroom Funnies

Part 1 of 2

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

==========================

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

==========================

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

==========================

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

==========================

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

==========================

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

==========================

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

==========================

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

==========================

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

* * * * *

DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
__________________
--The member formerly known as Demonica

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
- Mahatma Gandhi
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Old 03-01-2011, 09:30 PM   #27
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We've created a monster. There are jokes here older than me.
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Old 03-02-2011, 05:22 PM   #28
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Demonica, You're 'da woman'. Keep bringin' em.

If some don't care for the content - they may bring their own that are better. I'm waiting!
Jean
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Old 03-12-2011, 04:27 PM   #29
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with apologies if some (or most) of these are old as Methusalah.


As I get older, I've learned that:



..."that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."


...."that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished."

..." to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things."
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Old 03-12-2011, 04:30 PM   #30
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How about some cat haikus?


The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.
----

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.
----

There's no dignity
In being sick - which is why
I don't tell you where.
----

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.
----

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.
----

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.
----

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.
----

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.
----

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?
----
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