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Old 05-02-2005, 06:07 AM   #1
Egeria
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OT Help with finding DH's porn....
Warning! Porn talk ahead! May offend some viewers! But I need advice!

I should tell you I'm not a religious person and neither is my DH. I will buy him Maxim, FHM occasionally because I know that he is a man, he will look at other women, and I'm not bothered by that. I don't want this thread to be about whether or not men should look at porn or not. I don't mind if he does and he knows that.

The deal is, I was cleaning house this morning, DH has gone out and I noticed his drawer was stuck and wouldn't close. I'm not the snooping type ok so I just pulled to drawer out to see what was stuck.

It was a porn dvd. I've never seen it before. Occasionally a dvd will be included in Maxim magazine or something but this was of a more...adult nature.

I just don't know why he feels he should hide it on me? He knows I'm not bothered by it, heck we even watched porn together once. But why did he hide it? I'm concerned by that. I think it may have to do with my low self esteem but then, I've always had low self esteem. He might think that I would feel worse about myself if I knew he was watching it. But that just isn't true!

I don't know what to do when he comes home. I've fixed the drawer and just put the dvd inside it. Do I mention it? I don't want to sound the nosy housewife. Should I just not say anything?

Any advice would be so appreciated!
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Old 05-02-2005, 06:41 AM   #2
Egeria
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In the meantime, I'm going to my LYS...I need some retail therapy!
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Old 05-02-2005, 07:20 AM   #3
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I am certainly no marriage counselor, but have been married 33 years to the same man, so I will offer my unofficial opinion! I believe that in order for a marriage to be successful, being open and honest concerning your feelings is important. If finding the porn DVD is weighing heavily on your mind, then I think you should let him know how you came upon it without "attacking" him because as you said, his possession of it could be somewhat innocent in that it was included with a magazine. My thoughts on the "porn" issue are that if a couple wants to watch such material, that is between the two of them. If he put in inside a drawer in your home, I wouldn't think that he was trying to hide anything at all.
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Old 05-02-2005, 07:34 AM   #4
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If you are anything like me, these questions will stick in your mind and the reasons for it being "hidden" will get worse and worse in your head until you talk to him.

If it makes you feel any better, I encountered the exact same situation a year ago....and this year will be our 10th anniversary! In my case, some of this "material" (4 DVDs hidden WAY in the back of the storage area of our VERY deep entertainment center) featured VERY large-chested women of a totally different race! That didnt bother me in and of itself, except that if he is having fantasies, then I might want to be involved in them...and there is no way on EARTH that I can turn myself into EITHER a black OR a very large-chested woman for him! THAT was the thought that kept turning over and over in my head.

I think MOST men own some of this material, and by "most" I mean 99.7%.

In all probability, he was not hiding it from YOU as much as hiding it from anyone else that might be popping by. Porn, by nature and throughout history, is "stuff-to-be-hidden". I have never been to a home (with the exception of a Frat House when I was in college) where it is sitting out as a coffee table book.

When I finally talked to DH about it, it turns out that these were a "gift" from a friend that has his own "porn DVD duplication and distribution business" (this I knew :rollseyes: ) and these were some leftovers that no one else was buying.

I had gone over it in my head so much that I was QUITE nervous and didnt know HOW to bring it up....I think I started with, :( "Huney....do you wish I was a large-breasted black woman???"

Just TALK to him in a non-threatening way. Let him know it caused a smidgen of insecurity on your part (even if its just the fact that he was hiding ANYTHING from you). You'll feel much better.
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Old 05-02-2005, 07:56 AM   #5
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yeah i think you need to talk to him about it or it will be the elephant in the room that nobody is talking about. and he won't even know why it is there. the longer you wait to ask him the more it will become a "thing."
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Old 05-02-2005, 08:03 AM   #6
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Quote:
In all probability, he was not hiding it from YOU as much as hiding it from anyone else that might be popping by. Porn, by nature and throughout history, is "stuff-to-be-hidden". I have never been to a home (with the exception of a Frat House when I was in college) where it is sitting out as a coffee table book.
I think Kelly nailed it there.

I've talked to my husband about this before because a friend was having some "porn issues" and I remember he said that men really are not that malicious. We ( women) tend to think they are much more methodical than they really are. As my husband says “You give us too much credit”

Just ask him You’ll feel better.
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Old 05-02-2005, 08:11 AM   #7
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I realize i'm new here but i (unfortunately) have a lot of experience in dealing with this issue. I won't go into details but suffice it to say that it eventually broke up a most cherished relationship.

I agree that you should talk to him. If it bothers you, then it IS important.

-hh
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Old 05-02-2005, 08:16 AM   #8
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I have to add something here....

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!

I LOVE that we can have a tasteful, compassionate and empathetic discussion about our DH's porn on a knitting website! I LOVE that no one has been offended....I LOVE that with all of our different backgrounds and ages and so on that we relate about so many different things!

THANK YOU, Egeria, for posting about your PORN ISSUE! Something I never thought would make me feel WARM AND FUZZY inside!!
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Old 05-02-2005, 08:40 AM   #9
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Quote:
As my husband says “You give us too much credit”
Ha!

Not like you need one more "me too!", but I'm going to add it anyways. Talk to him and get it off your chest. You don't want it to fester and cause a problem.

I also agree that I don't think he was hiding it from you. He probably thought that if it was in the entertainment center with the other videos, a guest could find it. If he was hiding it, he needs to work on his hiding skills! Any good snoop would have found it real quick.
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Old 05-02-2005, 09:07 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by KellyK
I have to add something here....

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!

I LOVE that we can have a tasteful, compassionate and empathetic discussion about our DH's porn on a knitting website! I LOVE that no one has been offended....I LOVE that with all of our different backgrounds and ages and so on that we relate about so many different things!

THANK YOU, Egeria, for posting about your PORN ISSUE! Something I never thought would make me feel WARM AND FUZZY inside!!


With all that being said can i confess to how hard i laughed at your "Honey do you want me to be a big chested black woman" comment? If it makes you feel better i nearly choked from it, with this nasty chest cold i have going on!
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