Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-15-2005, 07:10 PM   #1
misstialouise
Working the Gusset
 
misstialouise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 1,092
Thanks: 6
Thanked 37 Times in 34 Posts
OT-Way OT I'm afraid, but I need some direction. Long Post.
It's hard to even know where to start.

There is a group of internet friends I have, and we've created our own little cyber community, it's been in place for about 2 years now. In that time we've had quite a few people have babies (most of us are married), and it's been a great ride going through their pregnancies with them through to the birth of the child and subsequent growing up.

Unfortunately one of the girls is having trouble conceiving, and has just started on some fertility drugs to assist. And I understand that this is hard on her and her husband, and we've all bee there as much as we can for her.

Much to my own joy, my husband & I have decided to start our own family. Neither of us have family 'histories' with pregnancy issues, so don't see why it should take too long for us to conceive. This was our first month (I test this weekend). I always envisaged being able to share my joy and excitement, nervousness and probably occasional disappointments until we got that BFP (big fat positive). However... I find that I'm being asked not to get too excited within our 'cyber space' as the chat room keeps history, which is apparantly causing some distress to .. let's call her Mrs C.

I've been called insensitive, tactless and rude. As much as I've tried not to be too 'in her face' with it, other 'members' are telling me to reign it in. To my knowledge, I'm the only one who's been asked to do this. Not even the woman who IS pregnant at the moment is being asked to not talk about her pregnancy.. Only me who is in the early stages of TTC (trying to conceive).

I get that it would be hard for her, and I am truly sorry that her body isn't picking up the ball, so to speak, but at the same time I feel like at a time where I should be able to be excited and happy, I'm being told that I'm insensitive because I think that I've had implantation pains or whatever. Not that I really know WHAT is going on with my body.. but there are signs .. y'know?

I'm too scared to say anything for fear of recrimination, but yet I feel that this is all going one way. How can I be excited for me, but not show it to anyone?

It's really quite tearing me apart.
__________________
-----BEGIN KNITTER'S GEEK CODE BLOCK-----

Version: 1.1
KCR++ Exp+ SPM+ *Options+++ Addi+ Wood+ Cas+ Cot++ Wool+++ Lux++ Hemp++ Nov+ Stash++ Scale+ Fin+ Ent Lace++ Tex++ Felt+++ Flat Circ+++ DPN ML2 Swatch+ KIP Blog SNB GaugeDK(F) WIP+(++) ALTSw+Sp+Cr+X

------END KNITTER'S GEEK CODE BLOCK------

On my Options:
Drake the Dreaded Dragon Backpack - girly version for my niece for Christmas


I'M IN !! I'm vintagegrrl on Ravelry
misstialouise is offline   Reply With Quote

 

This advertising will not be shown to registered members. Join our free online community today!

Old 09-15-2005, 07:31 PM   #2
wildforyarn
Turning the Heel
 
wildforyarn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: somewhere in mommy land....
Posts: 810
Thanks: 25
Thanked 28 Times in 26 Posts
Gosh, I don't even know where to start, except that I completely understand what you mean about having a community of internet pals... I have the same thing. There are about 10 of us and we branched off of a wedding site and have been going strong for about 5 years. Anyway, through marriage, now divorces, babies, miscarriages....

You have every right to be happy about trying to conceive and about the possibility of being pregnant. However, this person who is also on your list is having a terribly hard time becoming pregnant. I have a good friend who is going through this, I miscarried once and my sister went through 2 years of infertility, was on an adoption waiting list, became pregnant and just gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

Anyway, things are often misinterpreted on e-mail. You may want to ask why you have been asked to "reign it in" and others have not. Is Mrs. C complaining "off list" to others about what you have been saying? Have you e-mailed Mrs. C yourself privately to find out if she would like you not to mention these types of things? I know that while people who are having trouble conceiving may be very sad at the fact that there are people all around them getting pregnant, having babies, etc... they are also happy for you. That you get to go through these things, even if they can't.

I guess I babbled a lot and did not really help you, except to say, talk to her and see what she thinks and to the others who have spoken to you. See what they have to say. Maybe this is not the place to share your total excitement about what is going on. Maybe the KH forum is the place for that. :D Or just in your own personal friends for now. I will keep my fingers crossed for a positive sign soon!!
__________________
Sara G.
Visit my blog!

wildforyarn on Ravelry

wildforyarn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-15-2005, 07:44 PM   #3
misstialouise
Working the Gusset
 
misstialouise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 1,092
Thanks: 6
Thanked 37 Times in 34 Posts
Thanks for replying Sara.

I have sent her a couple of emails, but she seems to be in the mindset that it's easier for her if she doesn't talk to me, which is understandable. It just hurts that we are *finally* able to ttc (we have waited 3 years) and I'm so very excited about the whole experience, and I can't seem to share it with my 'closest' friends. (yes, it's sad.. most of my closest friends I met off the 'net, but I know them IRL too.. we hang out sometimes).

Anyway.. seems I can babble too.. I'm just hurt is all. I've never thought myself as a tactless, insensitive or rude person. And I care for these people dearly, and if it was in my power to help her and her husband conceive, than I would.. but it's not... I just feel like the happiness is being sucked out of my experience in the meantime..

Originally Posted by wildforyarn
Anyway, things are often misinterpreted on e-mail. You may want to ask why you have been asked to "reign it in" and others have not. Is Mrs. C complaining "off list" to others about what you have been saying? Have you e-mailed Mrs. C yourself privately to find out if she would like you not to mention these types of things? I know that while people who are having trouble conceiving may be very sad at the fact that there are people all around them getting pregnant, having babies, etc... they are also happy for you. That you get to go through these things, even if they can't.

I guess I babbled a lot and did not really help you, except to say, talk to her and see what she thinks and to the others who have spoken to you. See what they have to say. Maybe this is not the place to share your total excitement about what is going on. Maybe the KH forum is the place for that. :D Or just in your own personal friends for now. I will keep my fingers crossed for a positive sign soon!!
__________________
-----BEGIN KNITTER'S GEEK CODE BLOCK-----

Version: 1.1
KCR++ Exp+ SPM+ *Options+++ Addi+ Wood+ Cas+ Cot++ Wool+++ Lux++ Hemp++ Nov+ Stash++ Scale+ Fin+ Ent Lace++ Tex++ Felt+++ Flat Circ+++ DPN ML2 Swatch+ KIP Blog SNB GaugeDK(F) WIP+(++) ALTSw+Sp+Cr+X

------END KNITTER'S GEEK CODE BLOCK------

On my Options:
Drake the Dreaded Dragon Backpack - girly version for my niece for Christmas


I'M IN !! I'm vintagegrrl on Ravelry
misstialouise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-15-2005, 07:52 PM   #4
AidanM
Turning the Heel
 
AidanM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The Boonies
Posts: 676
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
If you ask me, I think that it's insensitive to say such things as your friends have been saying to you. :| I mean, just because one of your friends is having trouble conceiving I don't see why she can't be happy for you as her friend that you don't have the same problem that she does. Besides that, you probably have other issues and it is likely that no one has been admonished to take care or be ultra-sensitive to them.

You could also reassure your friend that the ability to conceive does not determine her worth, and that you treasure her. Sometimes when people have problems like this, they just need that sort of comfort. But by no means should it detract from your own excitement!

If it would make her feel better, you could always involve her in the process. Sometimes living a little vicariously can help. Talk to her about tips that you've received about conception, let her talk about what she's going through. A very valueable exchange of information could come out of this, not to mention that it may bring you closer.
AidanM is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-15-2005, 08:19 PM   #5
margie
Instepping Out
 
margie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: west chester, pa
Posts: 2,113
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Boy oh boy, a subject that I am all too familiar with. My husband and I struggled with infertility for about 3 years before conceiving our son via in-vitro fertilization. I was part of a very tight online group- and an infertility one at that!! I lost a very dear friendship because I supposedly "gushed" too much after finding out that I was pregnant. I apologized for hurting feelings, but not for gushing- we worked so hard and so long, and I wasn't going to let anyone damper my happiness. My apology wasn't enough.

Also, while I was trying to get pregnant, 3 women at my work got pregnant. I was happy for them- it was hard not to inwardly say "why not ME?!", and I would have some sadness along with the happiness that I felt for them. One woman got pregnant, and I found out through the grapevine. When I said something to her about it, she said she hadn't told me because she was afraid of hurting my feelings. I told her it would have been better to hear it straight from her, rather than hear whispers about it and feel left out.

I don't see why you shouldn't be able to enjoy this time in your life for what it is- an extremely exciting, wonderful time!! The people in your group should be happy for you and your husband- and willing to deal with their own feelings in order to allow you to express yours.
My opinion, anyway!! Good luck- I hope they are understanding, and I hope you get your baby soon.
margie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-15-2005, 08:42 PM   #6
Vendie
2nd Sock, I Rock
 
Vendie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Rolling around in yarn...
Posts: 8,892
Thanks: 62
Thanked 70 Times in 55 Posts
While I think the best intentions are there, I personally would be very careful about offering tips about conception to someone who is having infertility issues. My husband and I have been TTC since February, and I was diagnosed back in June with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and to be quite honest, the only people I want to hear conception advice from are other people with PCOS.

I think if it were me, I would be as supportive as I could be to this friend, and hope that she'll come around. She's probably going through some very tough times with her infertility issues and she may really want to be excited for her friends that are having successes, but it's still hard when it's so difficult for her. And if you really want to talk to someone about your own excitement as you start your journey, find a forum dedicated to that topic or chat off-line with those friends who've had a relatively easy time trying to conceive.

That said, I do think that you deserve to know why you're being singled out on this topic, and that if she is having a problem with your excitement, she needs to talk to you. How are you supposed to act around her if you don't know what it is you're doing that's bothering her?

I hope that I'm not coming off as being too insensitive about your plight. I went through the same excitement when we first started to try, but it's sort of worn off now that we know there are some issues. I do really appreciate having the friends that I do, here on KH and IRL, who check in on me to see how things are going and offer encouragement.

Anyway, some babbling on my part too...Best of luck, I hope everything goes well for you and your friend and that you are able to patch things up with her...but if you do get pregnant on your first shot, I'm going to be really mad!!! And then I'll get over it and be really happy for you! long-distance hugs
__________________
"If you die in Canada, you die in real life!"

It's only uphill until you get to the top of the hill

Vendie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-15-2005, 08:46 PM   #7
benniesma
Turning the Heel
 
benniesma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 505
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Send a message via MSN to benniesma
I don't have much to add in the advice area. Sara really had a great idea about emailing off list and asking if Ms. C is having problems with you ttc. I hope that your friends are able to be happy for you.

We sure are! Please feel free to share all the news with us! TTC-ing is so exciting! A whole wonderful journey is opening up before you! Good luck!
__________________
Laura
benniesma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-15-2005, 10:31 PM   #8
Sara
Grafting the Toe
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 4,804
Thanks: 18
Thanked 60 Times in 60 Posts
Send a message via AIM to Sara
You shouldn't feel that you have to temper your happiness with someone else's misery. You have every right to be happy for yourself.

It sounds as though Mrs C thinks she has a reason to avoid you. You've already tried to mend fences with her, perhaps someone in your group could act as an intermediary for the two of you so that you can make peace. It's not fair of your friends to try to dictate what you can and can't say. I must say that online communications are a real bee-otch sometimes. And I speak from experience. :rollseyes:

Good luck! I'm willing to listen to tales of happiness and tales of woe. Drop in anytime. When you have your first bundle of joy, you'll have to send me an envelope full of that new baby smell. That would work, right? Coming from Australia?
Sara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-15-2005, 10:53 PM   #9
misstialouise
Working the Gusset
 
misstialouise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 1,092
Thanks: 6
Thanked 37 Times in 34 Posts
Originally Posted by Sara
When you have your first bundle of joy, you'll have to send me an envelope full of that new baby smell. That would work, right? Coming from Australia?


Isn't that what zip lock bags are for??
__________________
-----BEGIN KNITTER'S GEEK CODE BLOCK-----

Version: 1.1
KCR++ Exp+ SPM+ *Options+++ Addi+ Wood+ Cas+ Cot++ Wool+++ Lux++ Hemp++ Nov+ Stash++ Scale+ Fin+ Ent Lace++ Tex++ Felt+++ Flat Circ+++ DPN ML2 Swatch+ KIP Blog SNB GaugeDK(F) WIP+(++) ALTSw+Sp+Cr+X

------END KNITTER'S GEEK CODE BLOCK------

On my Options:
Drake the Dreaded Dragon Backpack - girly version for my niece for Christmas


I'M IN !! I'm vintagegrrl on Ravelry
misstialouise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-15-2005, 11:25 PM   #10
Sara
Grafting the Toe
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 4,804
Thanks: 18
Thanked 60 Times in 60 Posts
Send a message via AIM to Sara
Well then,

*Sara looks at wristwatch, taps foot*

get to it!!
Sara is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Your intentions were good but ... (LONG POST) tarrentella The Lounge 10 03-05-2009 12:45 PM
Fantasy Writing - long post tarrentella The Lounge 0 11-21-2008 10:56 AM
Academic Dishonesty? WWYD? (long post) Hildegard_von_Knittin The Lounge 23 08-22-2008 10:12 AM
HELP! Modifying sleeve cap pattern (long post) Carie How-to Questions 3 04-20-2005 05:14 PM

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:25 AM.