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Old 04-23-2007, 10:12 AM   #111
msoebel
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I'm sorry...there is just no way I can get caught up on 10 pages this morning. Apparently, this thread struck a nerve!

My dh is a youth pastor, and we work with about 80 teens on a weekly basis. I also have a degree in counseling.

I don't think you are being unreasonable...I think you should leave her bed alone (if you feel you must remove it, leave the boxsprings and mattress in the room on the floor).

My best piece of advice would be to never address your problems with your dd as an "attitude problem". If she is being disrespectful or rude, or if she is mocking you, then address it specifically. Yelling in frustration that you are tired of her "attitude problem" isn't going to make her want to please you. It's going to alienate her.

Even though you have removed everything "fun" in her life, and she IS going to be an absolute pill for a little while (trust me, it WILL get worse before it gets better), make a point of finding something positive to say to her. Teens have a way of making themselves "martyrs". "You don't understand them. You don't like their friends. You are just doing this to be a big meanie. You are RUINING their life!". If you can find just one nice thing to say to her, it will go a long way.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this now...those hormones are something else. They make perfectly normal kids turn into little monsters (I know, because I was one!).

Hang in there...it doesn't last forever, and if you handle this with grace and dignity, your relationship with her will get so much better. It will seem almost overnight.

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Old 04-23-2007, 11:53 AM   #112
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Hi y'all. I make it a point to try to stay off of the computer on Sundays, so I had to catch up this morning.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement that you keep sending out.

This weekend was interesting, to say the least. Dd kept asking us to take her to do things/get things. To which my reply was "no" each time.

She did manage to spend quite a bit of time with her brother playing games, and she even stayed in the same room with us to watch TV. I've forbidden her from going into one of the other rooms to watch TV (and she doesn't have one in her room).

We actually had a pretty calm discussion about her consequences this morning. Dh commented later this morning (on the phone...you know...catch up with the morning thing) that he didn't hear yelling this morning. He stays in bed while I get the kids out the door.

Anyhow, I was pretty impressed with how rational my daughter was. I asked her what she thought about everything, and she agreed that not allowing her to spend time with her friends this summer is going to have an impact on her. She pointed out that she was pretty "good" this weekend. I told her that two days is a good start but does not indicate a permanent change. She agreed. I was kind of surprised but didn't act like it. I did tell her that I appreciated the way we were discussing the issue and the fact that she was not getting defensive.

So, it just proves that she "knows" the expectations. She just has to decide (an act of the will) what she is going to do. She has always been very strong-willed...even as a tot.

So anyhow...just an update. Today should be interesting since she has to face her friends and explain why her cell phone is not working, yada, yada, yada.
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Old 04-23-2007, 11:54 AM   #113
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Originally Posted by madametj
um, all i gotta say is let her have her bed and bedrrom door. take away the lock and even the knob if u must, but please leave the door (a girl's gotta change her clothes in the morning!)
Madame, I hope you'll be relieved to know that I let her keep the bed and the door. It seemed like way too much work to remove the door.
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Old 04-23-2007, 11:57 AM   #114
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Originally Posted by tarrentella
one thing that hasnt been said and im surprised about, is that she is a teenager and teenagers do this.
The teenager that doesn go through a phase of some bad behaviour, such as drinking,lieing, skipping schhol no respect etc is a rare one.
I will agree that rebellion and disrespect are normal parts of teenager-dom. However, in doing so, teens are trying to discover boundaries. And they are testing them. When they see boundaries not consistently maintained, they begin to figure out that they can't really trust their parents to do what they say.

It's very challenging to figure out how to not over-react and think your child has grown 10 heads. Ultimately, while I know that she is normal, she has to also understand that this "normal" is not acceptable.

Thanks for your interesting points! Lots to ponder...
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Old 04-23-2007, 11:58 AM   #115
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Originally Posted by auburnchick
Originally Posted by madametj
um, all i gotta say is let her have her bed and bedrrom door. take away the lock and even the knob if u must, but please leave the door (a girl's gotta change her clothes in the morning!)
Madame, I hope you'll be relieved to know that I let her keep the bed and the door. It seemed like way too much work to remove the door.

my parents took my door off when i was a teenager... it was only for a few days and it didn't reeeeeeeeally have the desired effect.

i was a door slammer as a kid. it was supposed to stop that but all it meant was that i would just go pick a different door to slam...lol

it amuses me to think how rotten i was. i had a temper like nobody's business. i still do but there isn't as much screaming and door slamming as there used to be!
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Old 04-23-2007, 12:13 PM   #116
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Originally Posted by auburnchick
Anyhow, I was pretty impressed with how rational my daughter was. I asked her what she thought about everything, and she agreed that not allowing her to spend time with her friends this summer is going to have an impact on her. She pointed out that she was pretty "good" this weekend. I told her that two days is a good start but does not indicate a permanent change. She agreed. I was kind of surprised but didn't act like it. I did tell her that I appreciated the way we were discussing the issue and the fact that she was not getting defensive.
WTG, Mom! That sounds like great progress!
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Old 04-23-2007, 01:38 PM   #117
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I don't post much here, lurk mostly, but wanted to jump in.

i am in AWE of your determination and ability to carry this out! I have a 16 yo DD who treats me so poorly and expects the world to be delivered at her feet. Most of this is my fault. When she was much younger, I was not very strong emotionally and she quickly learned that mommy would rather say yes than fight.

I have tried to regain control over the years but it is hard. I try to stick to my decisions and not let her rule the house. It has gotten easier because I have a wonderful DH who fully supports me.

We did remove the door and her bed at one time. Only for a week but she quickly learned how valuable privacy and comfort are.

Hang tough and I hope you both make it through this...
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Old 04-23-2007, 02:03 PM   #118
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I'm still a teenager myself (18 ), but my 'horrible little monster' stage started when I was six, and ended when I was about 14. For me, the reason I was so horrible, was because I was so miserable at school. I started Independant Studies in 10th grade, and it was the best thing for me. Almost instantly I realised how important my mum is to me, and tell her often (I still get thrilled to have a proper breakfast in the morning, since there is no need to hurry up and rush our of the house, after four years, hahha!).

One thing I can say, that hasn't already been, is figure out the root of your daughters hostility. Like I said, mine was public school. Being around so many stupid teenagers for most of the day was making me so unhappy, that I took it out on my mum.

I think seeing a counselor would help determine the root of all this. If you daughter was having horrible allergic reactions to something, you would try and figure out what was causing it, and seek medical help. Something is making her react badly at home, so you need to figure out what it is.


Also, one thing I've observed in friends and peers, is that teenagers can be REALLY good liars. Like the problem with her creating a Myspace account; did you check her history, and cookies every day? Did you refuse to let her use the computer unsupervised? Even though they are doing stupid things online, doesn't mean they don't know how to cover their tracks.

It seems like this happened a while ago though, and isn't a problem anymore, but it still holds for other situations as well. I would just keep it in the back of your mind that her new good behaviour could just be her manipulating you. Chances are she is really getting the message, but you don't want to be blindsided a month from now if something horrible happens.

Wow, that sounds really morbid and depressing. I don't mean it that way, but you never know what her friends are telling her ("oh yeah, my mom did that to me. Just agree with her, and act all sorry and you'll all your stuff back in no time!")


Oh and one side note on the door thing If you are suspicious about what she is doing when the door is closed, then take the door off right now (It's easy, just get a hamer and knock the pins out). If she is just locking her door to to avoid the family or something, swtich out her doorknob with an unlockable one, or remove it fully (always knock first beforing opening it though). Without a computer, phone, or TV though, she shouldn't really be doing anything in her room with the door closed for more than changing clothes... but then again, I've never been able to understand households that have the bedroom doors closed most of the time.


Oh and another side note. DO NOT LET HER MANIPULATE HER FATHER. She is already doing it, and it's working. Put a stop to it now. Get help from a counselor if he won't listen to you. She is already figuring out that playing the 'daddy' card gets her the things she wants, while at the same time breaking your resolve (which just means she can get what she wants easier).


I hope you can figure out what is causing all this problem, and have a healthy family unit once again![/u]
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Old 04-23-2007, 02:33 PM   #119
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Auburnchick - I don't have much to contribute, only the fact that I was a teenager and not exactly the best one. I think you are doing the right thing. I'm praying for you and your family that things improve soon and long-term!
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Old 04-23-2007, 02:35 PM   #120
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Thanks for taking the time to post, Orangeus!

Let's see...the MySpace thing was a no-brainer. I'm a computer tech, and my dh is in law enforcement. We're very pro-active as far as internet safety. The kids are not allowed to go on the internet in their rooms. They know that if they have friends over, that they have to do all of the AIM/internet things in the other room.

I regularly check the history and cookies. This nearly got her into trouble one time when we thought she had created another one. We figured out with the date stamp that one of her teammates had looked at their account during a soccer tournament.

As far as her manipulating us by "acting" good...oh yes, I'm familiar with this. That's why I've set a minimum for at least the summer with the understanding that it is open-ended and will continue if genuine change is not observed. I do not believe that good behavior comes in a weekend or a month even. It's like eating healthy...it's a hard thing to learn and incorporate into your life.

And I also agree that we need to get to the root of the problem. I do not plan on taking her to a counselor as money is an issue. I'm going to pray that God gives us wisdom and reveals His truth to all of us. I think with all of the time she has on her hands, that we'll be able to work through this. And I've already told her that this is something she's got to be looking for. There may be one or more triggers for her.

Thanks for all of your helpful insights!!!!
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