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Old 04-20-2007, 03:48 PM   #11
saracidaltendencies
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I myself do not have teenage children, but I do have a 5 year old and a 2 year old.

Consistency was mentioned earlier and I could not agree more. Children are a lot smarter than many adults give them credit for and they pick up on things like inconsistency, etc. They know just how to push mom and dad's buttons and they also know how far they can push. You have to push harder.

There have been many times my daughter has not listened to my husband or me or has been defiant and no matter how badly you want to cave in once you say something like no tv, or no toys/computer, whatever, you just cannot. Children must know they do not make the rules, parents make the rules. However, a parent must also know how to pick and choose their battles. If a parent punishes a child too much, the child won't care anymore; they will remain defiant because they will feel they will get in trouble no matter what they do. On the flip side, if you don't punish enough, the child will know they can get away with almost anything and will go as far as they can. It's a very delicate balance.

One thing mentioned that I disagree with, however, is a parent should not be a friend to their child/children. Personally, I couldn't disagree more. I feel parents should be their child/children's BEST friend and always make sure they let their children know they can come to mom and/or dad with anything. The last thing any parent wants or should do is to build barriers between them and their kids. It's not good for the kids and definitely not good for the parents. Not only should a parent make their child feel secure in coming to them with anything, it's equally important to let your child know how much you love them. Teenage years are hard. There is usually a lot of pressure with school, friends, grades, school activities and while to most adults, that may pale in comparison to adult life, for a teenager, it can be quite stressful. Teenagers are still figuring out who they are and it can be a confusing, stressful time in a teens life. I know I wasn't always a perfect child, but I was nowhere near a bad child either. I was a teenager and my parents understood that. I did have rules, but I also had freedom. I was allowed to make mistakes and for the minor mistakes, I was not punished; my parents gave me room to learn from my mistakes. My parents have always been my best friends, I know I can go to them with anything and I could even when I was a kid. They always left the doors of communication open and never punished me over little things. I strive to be the type of parents my mom and dad are; I have always known they love me, even when they would get mad at me. And, they never left a "fight." They would make 100% sure there was resolution; that I understood why I was being punished and always ended any argument with a kiss and hug and I love you.

Honestly, I think you are in the right in the decisions you have made in regards to your child's punishment. Kids need to know there will be consequences to negative actions, just as an adult would face consequences to negative actions, whether it be at work or in general. I think most important of all though is to let your daughter know, calmly, even if it's in a note you write to her and have her read with you sitting right there, how badly she has hurt you and how badly she makes you feel. Also let her know you love her; she is your child and you would do anything for her, but her actions are way out of line and in order for you to respect her feelings and needs, she must respect yours in return.

I wish you luck in your situation and hope there is a positive resolution for all of you.
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Old 04-20-2007, 03:57 PM   #12
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I have been in your shoes, and have never felt a pain like the kind I suffered when my 15 year old son was going through the same thing. Most of the time he wouldn't even speak to us, and when he did he was rude and disrespectful. I would go into his room at night while he was asleep to give him a kiss. (Aren't I just pathetic?) But his grades were good, and most importantly, his friends were good.

For whatever reason, some teenagers just have to go through this thing, whatever it is, and you have to maintain your rules, but choose your battles, and love her, love her, love her.
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Old 04-20-2007, 03:59 PM   #13
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My daughter is 11, and her father has her for summer visitation, and some times during the school year.

I have found out through my daughter that my ex has beaten on his new wife, and scared my daughter and her stepsister so bad that they have to call his mother to come help them. NOw, having said that, I was quite amazed when she have the courage to tell me this, cause she thought I would be mad at her.

Which I wasnt, of course. I was heartbroken that at such a young age, she has to deal with that crap from her own father...so I told her that I was proud of her for trusting me and DH enough to tell us this.

I think my point is, Im sure that someday, my oldest will rebel against us, and Ill be in your shoes. And Ive already made thoughts and ideas as to how to work through it. So far, the worst punishment shes had is a weekend of grounding.

TBH, I would let her go to the summer camp. As the captain, I would say its important. But *not* the championship. And I would leave her bed, but take her door off the hinges. If she cant respect you as she should, than she doesnt deserve to have the door.

And my mom used to do this to us....if there was disrespect, one of our treasured possession went to another sibling for a parental determined amount of time. Although, this was in the day when it was Walkmans, and books. No iPods, or cell phones.

Other than that, Im not sure what else to offer, except a great big hug!
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Old 04-20-2007, 04:03 PM   #14
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In my honest opinion i think you are over reacting.
Ig in every other way she is a good kid,but it is just a question of her manners and her respect then you should make sure that you don't end up treating her like a bad kid.

Certainly you have to do somthing but you have to make sure the punishment fits the crime. If she had been drinking, staying out all the time, skipping school etc, then certainly, grounding removal of cell phone etc is warented, but in a case where it is just and issue of respect (and please dont think the 'just' meen i am miinimilising the issue of respect becaus i dont meen to) then perhaps you have to start showing her what the effects of disrespect are.

For example i whent through a phase of being disrespectful with my fammily (as do all teenagers lets face it) she grounded me, took away my tv, talked to me shouted at me all sorts. But only when she quitee deliberatly stopped showing me respect did it get though. I was not grounded for a time, and during that tme, if i asked for somthing i would get a rude answer, my dinner might not always be cooked for me, anything i did got no acknowledgment and so on. At first i could ignore it, but after a short while i realised how horrible it was to be treated in such a way and apologised to my mum and got my act together.

Praise your daughter for the areas she is good in (i.e. schhol, and soccer) but don't give her ANYTHING when it comes to her attitude. dont be angry, dont be sad dont ignore it just dont give her the respect she hasnt earnt.
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Old 04-20-2007, 04:07 PM   #15
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I'm still a teenager myself, 18, so I think that makes it easier for me to see the situation from both sides. First, off, I definitely agree that if you feel it's necessary, you must do something. When you do lay down the law, however, make sure you tell her exactly what and why you're doing it. I also agree with some of the other posters that there should be rewards for good behavior. Perhaps a complete lack of priviledges for one week, and then, if she was well behaved, give her back one reward, maybe tv or something, and see how that goes for another week. If she reverts back, then back to no priviledges again. I would allow the camp if her behavior improves because if she's that good at soccer, it could mean a full college scholarship later down the road.
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Old 04-20-2007, 04:11 PM   #16
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I just want to say goodluck and I think your doing the right thing. My mum had this problem with my sister. It was hell for the whole household. My stepdad wanted to go down your route, but my mother wanted softly softly. My sister is 22, and a horrible young woman. She has few friends and no boyfriend. I haven't spoke to her in a year, and she only contacts my mum when she wants money. Stick at it. It will be better for her, better for your family, and I'm sure when she's an adult she'll thank for it.
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Old 04-20-2007, 04:15 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Demonica
If a parent punishes a child too much, the child won't care anymore; they will remain defiant because they will feel they will get in trouble no matter what they do. On the flip side, if you don't punish enough, the child will know they can get away with almost anything and will go as far as they can. It's a very delicate balance.
I was coming here to post something very similar. I feel for you, those years can be really hard on both the child as well as the parents.

I was a troublesome teenager between ages 16-18. The issues were different but the attitude was the same. In my case it wasn't disrespect, it was either withdrawal or fighting. And again in my case, anything I perceived as drastic punishment made me so mad it only made me behave worse. I figured since they were punishing me anyway I might as well "earn" it. Once, my dad removed the lock from my door because I constantly stomped away into my room and locked it. It didn't make me spend more time in the living room, I spent it all outside with my friends.
It's been 10 years now (I'm 28 ) and my parents and I have a wonderful relationship. As soon as I moved out of home, my attitude changed completly *sigh*

I don't know if I have a single point to make. I don't have children so I can only speak from the perspective of the kid, having been there.
It is very important to have authority over your child, to make it known you're the one making the rules, but not so harshly that it seems easier to walk away and be "free".
The cell phone, friends visiting, ipod, laptop, boom box - all this I agree with. But I'm not sure about taking away from her what she might consider her "escape" - football. I wouldn't leave her with no way out. Just enough so she is without luxuries.

I hope she grows out of it soon and wish you good luck in the meantime. Take care!
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Old 04-20-2007, 04:26 PM   #18
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You are doing the right thing I was awful to my mom as a teenager and I'll tell you why, because I could be! I took out all my bad moods on her and every other thing you could imagine if she would have laid down the law and let me know who was the boss I think things would have gone smoother for all of us in my house.These are the important years ones I wish I could get back so that I could do everything different, she will regret treating you this way one day too.
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Old 04-20-2007, 04:37 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by tarrentella
For example i whent through a phase of being disrespectful with my fammily (as do all teenagers lets face it) she grounded me, took away my tv, talked to me shouted at me all sorts. But only when she quitee deliberatly stopped showing me respect did it get though. I was not grounded for a time, and during that tme, if i asked for somthing i would get a rude answer, my dinner might not always be cooked for me, anything i did got no acknowledgment and so on. At first i could ignore it, but after a short while i realised how horrible it was to be treated in such a way and apologised to my mum and got my act together.
I have absolutely no experience with adolescents (except for having been one many, many years ago), but I have to say that the above approach makes sense to me. As a teenager, it took me a long time to realize that my Mom's feelings were hurt when I teased her about her weight. I don't know why, but I guess I just thought she was immune to such things. I think it's possible that your daughter is similarly clueless about how much she hurts you. Rather than taking away her privileges (which may just make her more angry and rebellious) maybe a healthy dose of enlightenment would do some good.
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Old 04-20-2007, 05:00 PM   #20
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I think I agree with most of the punishment but would not going to soccer camp really affect a future soccer career for her? You might not get the positive affect you're hoping for if you're taking away her future dreams.
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