OT - Getting Tough with a Teenager Updated 6/18

[Ellen Edwards]

Nathalie--I'm so glad I saw this thread...it has been a LONG read, but everything that everyone has said has been interesting. I didn't agree with a few of them, but we are all different, and they would not agree with me, either!

God bless you for hanging in there. Today, it seems, that even Christians are afraid to speak of their faith, and consistently, you have added that through faith, you will get through this. AND YOU WILL!! For with Him, we can do everything; without Him, we can do nothing. I KNOW that your dd will get to the point where she realizes what an awesome mom she has.

Then, before she's fully grown, she may even shift and change back into that insolent child that she was---when she moves out of your home. But you have given her the basics, the roots of faith and love and even if she strays from that, I believe she will come back to it.

I'm older than most of the KH forum members, I think. I'm 57, I had 2 children. I was young when I had my daughter, and she and I were very very close. We lost her 9 years ago, when she died in her sleep--the coroner said she had an enlarged heart and had suffered a fatal heart attack. Her 7-year-old son (our grandson) found her that morning, and was with her body for several hours before his dad happened to come by to check on them at lunchtime.

It was totally traumatic for all of us--my dh and I could not be reached for hours and when I next saw my precious daughter--it was in a black zippered bag in the hospital morgue with my dh and curious people standing --watching us to see , I suppose, what we were going to do--how we were going to react. (How did they think????)

She and I talked several times a day--laughing about something, having serious talks, or remembering something that had happened when she and her brother were growing up. I think the hardest part was knowing I'd never hear her laugh again, or hear her say, "Mama--"

DH and I were not perfect parents....just as everyone else. But we tried to instill values and we couldn't accept disobedience from our kids. We didn't let our children make choices that they were not capable of making--because sometimes, in these days, children are given so many choices at WAY too young an age!! They WANT and need guidance from the people they love--their parents!! In fact--the time we spend with our parents (the good times and the bad) will be what we remember most later on--NOT what they GAVE us.

It's easy to see that you and your dh have given up a lot for your dd to participate in the sport she's so good at!! And, I can tell you have already prayed for answers, Nathalie--can I share this with you?

When my dd was in the 7th grade--she came home crying everyday from school--for she was being picked on mainly because she didn't have the clothes, house or money that the kids in her private school had. I really wanted to put her in a public school, but at that time, my husband thought THIS was the RIGHT thing. No--we couldn't afford it--but we did it with both kids.

When our children are unhappy--we HURT!! I cried with her!! One day, before she came home from school--I went in to my bedroom and closed the door and dropped to my knees and prayed that God would change this terrible situation we were in. I knew I had done everything I knew to do. I knew I couldn't bear to see her suffer anymore.

Soon, she was coming home, telling me funny things about her day--and also about the bad times. But at the end of that school year, she went out for cheer leading, and she made it--and for 5 years she was on the football and basketball cheer leading team. She was co-captain for the last 2 years. It did so much for her self-esteem.

Now--does God answer prayers by sending a cheer-leading team?? I have no idea--I only know He answered my prayer. And when she was 24 she was married, and had a son. One day, I got a card in the mail saying, "Dear Mama, I never knew that it was you who had the hardest job in the world. Staying home with Rob is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life--but I love him, and I know it'll be worth it!"

The thing that I'm most thankful for now-- is knowing with assurance that she was saved--and her dad and she had just talked about that the Monday before she died between Weds. night and Thurs. morning. I could not live the rest of my life out thinking that she was lost because we had not brought her up without , at the very least, a chance to know Jesus Christ as her Saviour. I know this is a "hot topic"--but Nathalie, since you have so consistently mentioned YOUR Christianity, I feel that it is "ok" for me to talk this way. I don't judge anyone who has not accepted Christ as their Saviour--it is MY choice in my life. It is what makes me strong enough to live until the day I see Him, and I see my little girl again.



Now--I expect that I have offended some people, and let me apologize to you now for I mean NO harm!! Please--I ask your forgiveness in advance!!

But, I'm only cheering Nathalie on for her mothering, and for her faith!! And I am only saying what is in my heart--because I KNOW how precious our children are------for I have lost one.

[auburnchick]

Trudy,
Oh, wow!!! Your post really, really touched my heart.

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so glad that you and your daughter had such a close relationship. What wonderful memories you have. I can only hope that one day my daughter and I will be that close.

Now, to reassure you...I don't think that you offended anyone by your post. You know that there's another interesting thread about people sharing their beliefs. I have shared my faith because it's such an everyday part of my life. Not that I think it's an ordinary experience, but it's just "normal" for me. I hope that makes sense. I think that Christianity is not a religion that you practice once or twice a week or once or twice a year (Christmas and Easter). It's a way of life. It's kind of like eating healthy. Crash dieting does not work because we revert back to our old habits of eating. Once we learn to eat healthfully (that's not really a word, I think), then we eat that way daily.

Now...going back to your experience with your daughter...

God uses interesting things as answers to prayers. I think that God did use the cheerleading as a way to answer your prayers. It sounds like she found a place where she belonged at school -- something that is very important for teens.

That's how it is with my daughter's soccer team at school. Even though I didn't want her playing high school ball for fear of injury (high schoolers tend to be less talented, and thus more prone to hurt others, than elite players who travel), and she did get hurt playing a high school game, I think that she has been identified as an athlete. That's her niche. She's earned the respect of many because of her leadership on the field (due to her experience with her other high level team).

A good thing that has come from this injury is that my daughter has gotten more involved with the youth group. She has been able to attend both Sunday and Wednesday evening get-togethers for the last several months.

Last week they had a work day where they went to several houses and pulled weeds and did other things for some elderly people. My daughter and I were talking about it today. She told me that our church has the most active youth group in town (although we don't live in a huge city, it does have another large church with a youth group). She told me how close the kids are to one another. And the best part is that most of these kids go to the same high school. I find it reassuring that the kids see each other at school and support each other there. She told me that some of them get together during lunch to have a mini Bible study and pray. Wow! I was so impressed.

Anyhow, this process is very slow. We're still having some issues, but it will take time and lots of faith.

My main concern is that she takes the plunge and surrenders her life to Jesus. All of this will hopefully be a part of that experience. I will cry with relief when that happens.

Have a wonderful day! Please know that you've been a blessing to me today!!!

[Ellen Edwards]

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. You are so right--it IS a way of life -- not a once a year celebration. Our heavenly Father looks at us as His children --as we do ours. Sometimes we are not walking in the right path, and He finds ways to show us our mistakes so that we can be happy and safe. I have never , in any way, thought that my daughter was "taken" from us as a form of His punishment; I believe everyone has their moment to go.

I have tried to think of what He would like for me to learn from it. And I guess the main thing I've learned so far, it's gives me a wonderful chance to witness--and to share this experience with others--not for sympathy, but in hopes that they will treasure their sons and daughters, to cherish them. Guidance is a huge part of their growth--and we can always tell them (when we tell them what they SHOULD do) is that "God has given us rules to live by because He loves us, and until you're an adult, it's our duty to show you the rules as well--because we love you so much!"

I have NO doubt that your problems now with your dd will resolve--because of, more than anything else, your faith and love!