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Old 06-20-2007, 11:24 AM   #1
msoebel
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OT: Remember my TOXIC little brother? What to do?
Some may remember I posted about a month ago about my brother who is getting married in July. I asked to take his fiancee out to lunch and shopping because she was having a rough time with her family and thought we might get to know each other. He sent me an email at work telling me that he hated me, he didn't want to have a relationship with me, and I should just stay out of his way (difficult, since he lives with my parents still at age 25).

Well, my MOTHER put my hubby in a difficult position. It seems that my brother scheduled his wedding (July 21, 2007), sent out invitations, and booked a location, without finding a minister. My mother has been searching for one for over 2 months, and can't find one. Either they won't do ceremonies because they don't know him or his fiancee, or they require some kind of pre-marital counseling, or they just aren't available on that date on this short of notice.

So my mother approached my dh and asked him to officiate. My poor dh doesn't even know what to say. While we don't question how much the two of them love each other, there are several concerns about their relationship and he doesn't know if he can marry them in good conscience. He takes marriage very, very seriously.

Our concerns:
-My brother has refused pre-marital counseling and won't even read a book. He says that "no ones knows his relationship" and refuses to accept any guidance from anyone. Meanwhile, this girl is his first girlfriend and they've been dating for less than a year.
-My brother tends to be rather controlling over her and makes decisions for her.
-This wedding has been the cause of a huge rift in her family. She is currently living with my parents because she was kicked out (she is only 20). Her parents aren't speaking to her and they haven't been invited to the wedding.
-They say they are going to find an apartment after the wedding, but haven't spent any time looking, and wouldn't have the first clue as to how to pay their bills. They do not have a financial plan. She isn't even working now, she is a full time college student during the school year, and right now, she just sits around waiting for my brother.

I think my dh wants me to help make this decision for him...but I just don't know what to do. On the one hand, dh and I take marriage very seriously and believe it's a covenant that should not be entered into lightly. As the minister who officiates the ceremony, there is great responsibility to make sure that the people you marry are prepared to enter into this covenant. Also, it's would be the first time he officiates a wedding (he has had to do a few funerals already), and he would be really upset if it ended in divorce in a few years.

On the other hand, saying no would really create SEVERE issues within the family. And we wonder if perhaps we are simply reacting to his JERKY attitude.

Any thoughts? You guys are much more sane than my nutso family.

Misty
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Old 06-20-2007, 11:29 AM   #2
Belphoebe
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Misty,

I'm so sorry you are in this position. My only thoughts on the issue would be to as kindly as possible explain to your brother and family that due to the convictions of your husband's faith, that he would not be able to perform the ceremony. I know many religions who do not marry unless some sort of pre-marital counseling takes place. Have they considered a justice of the peace? Not sure I helped you, but I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Old 06-20-2007, 11:58 AM   #3
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sounds like there's lots of bridges burned with her family and that's not good. Try to get together with his fiance and go to lunch while he's at work and can't stop it then discuss the situation with her. Find out if she's willing to tlak to her parents, b/c they really should see tehir daughter get married, and they know what's best for her so if they have given up then she probably feels like shes stuck. I know you said your brother is kinda controlling over her and that's not good; she needs to be her own person. See if you can't get into her head and then go from there. As for your dh to perform the ceremony, tell them that he cannot do it unless there is premarital counseling b/c if he weds them and then they get divorced in afew months/years then it falls back on him ultimately. Also sounds like they both have a LOT of growing up to do. I'm not much older then they are but know that their situation isn't going to make for a healthy marriage, or life. Any counselor would tell them the same. Good luck and God bless.
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Old 06-20-2007, 12:07 PM   #4
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If your brother isn't willing to sit down and talk about the wedding and thier relationship then it sounds to me like maybe this isn't the right time to get married. I don't know but I been told marriage is a pretty serious thing and if he's not willing to take this seriously then how can he expect anyone else to? I think yer DH needs to stand firm on his boundaries and if your bro can't meet those expectations then it will only reflect poorly on him andnot yer DH. Just my .02. Good luck
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Old 06-20-2007, 12:15 PM   #5
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i remember your last post. if i was your dh, i would tell your mom that he would be happy to officiate the ceremony if bro and gf have some pre-marital couseling. that way, if bro & gf are willing, your dh can help them a bit, and if they refuse, your dh can back out gracefully. it would help if he states his belief that all couples should at least talk and discuss thier up-coming life changes with someone whos "been there, done that". HTH
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Old 06-20-2007, 12:20 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by msoebel View Post
Some may remember I posted about a month ago about my brother who is getting married in July. I asked to take his fiancee out to lunch and shopping because she was having a rough time with her family and thought we might get to know each other. He sent me an email at work telling me that he hated me, he didn't want to have a relationship with me, and I should just stay out of his way (difficult, since he lives with my parents still at age 25).

Misty
I think the Quote would answer the question for me..
You are just questioning it cos they put your Mother in the middle.
And my guess is that your poor mother is going to be stuck with both of them...
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Old 06-20-2007, 12:21 PM   #7
iza
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What a difficult situation. Honestly, it's your brother and his fiancee's responsibility to find someone to marry them, not yours or your mom's. If they didn't organize themselves well enough, it's their fault, not your husband's! It seems to me too that a civil ceremony would be easier, if he doesn't want to do counselling. I don't know how it works for you, but here there is a notice of marriage that must be published 20 days before a civil ceremony. This will obviously change with country and state, but a civil wedding can require a little bit of effort as well... :rollseyes:

This being said, I understand the dilemma. Sometimes, when the situation is very serious, you have to go against some principles to solve a problem. If he does decide to do it, he must realize that he wouldn't be responsible for their divorce either. But clearly, it seems they shouldn't get married at all...
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Old 06-20-2007, 12:39 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by msoebel View Post
... dh and I take marriage very seriously and believe it's a covenant that should not be entered into lightly. As the minister who officiates the ceremony, there is great responsibility to make sure that the people you marry are prepared to enter into this covenant.
There's your answer right there. DH should not, under any circumstances feel obligated to marry a couple when he doesn't feel comfortable in doing so. If your family is going to hold it against him (or YOU) for refusing, it's THEIR problem not yours. Sometimes you have to stand your ground even if family doesn't like it, especially if you're right and doing this with a good heart. If your brother is so darn gung ho about getting married without counseling, then he should just go to the court house to get married. Bro wants to be married by a minister but doesn't want to go through counseling? Well he needs a reality check. He can't have his cake and eat it too.
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Old 06-20-2007, 12:48 PM   #9
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This might be a little difficult but has your husband looked at these two like he was not related to them? If your husband would not marry these two even if he was not related to them, then why would he marry them if he was?
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Old 06-20-2007, 01:13 PM   #10
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Dude....if I was your DH I would tell them in very plain terms. NO.

Honestly, mt and DH got married by a JP, and its been a wonderful nearly 10 years, and we didnt have any kind of premarital counseling or anything.

But I suppose having him around me through the final stages of my divorce and the custody battle was enough counseling for us....

But I digress...

If YOUR dh doesnt feel comfortable marrying them, then he shouldnt have to because he is their BIL. I think thats a major cop out, and someone is trying to use family connections to get out of getting the counseling that is so obviously needed.


Maybe this could be a opportunity for DH to round up ALL the family....both sets of parents, groom, and bride, and explain to them in crystal clear terms WHY he wont marry them. (If thats even a possibility)
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