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Old 06-22-2007, 09:35 AM   #11
iza
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Before I started dating my boyfriend, I think what I found remarkable in him was the fact that he naturally wants to help people all the time. He doesn't help people because he has to. He does because he sincerely wants to. I don't know if what I mean is clear. But no guy I ever dated before were as attentive and thoughtful as he was (and still is) with me, but with others as well. I think many guys are trying to be attentive, but it doesn't always come out as being sincere.

I think it's very important, in a couple, to have similar life expectations, values and interests. Of course it doesn't have to be a 100% match. But if your friend is really that interested in old cars, it's definitely a place to start! I think some women could like his sense of humor. He shouldn't try to "conform" too much to an image of what a guy should be. He should just try to find the right person for him! I know, it's not that easy...
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Old 06-22-2007, 09:55 AM   #12
Stiney
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Originally Posted by Rorshach View Post
Though he says he can't understand why women won't accept somebody who is willing to provide a house, a car and what not.


That's an odd way to phrase it. Personally, that'd be a huge turn off for me. I don't want someone to "provide" me with things, I want to be with someone I consider an equal--in intelligence, responsibilities, sense of humor, etc. Someone who I can be silly or serious with. Even if there's an inequality in salary, I would want to contribute to the overall financial situation, not feel like I'm being "provided" with something.

Maybe I'm interpreting what he said wrong, but that could be a problem in his approach.
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Old 06-22-2007, 10:21 AM   #13
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Being as I've been married for 15 years it's hard to say since I'm not looking for a man. But over the years in work or social situations I have met a few men I really like and I notice they usually have a few things in common with my husband. I like men who are well and broadly educated. Not men who think they know everything and don't. The truly well educated ones don't flaunt it but I can pick up on it just in normal conversation. Like someone said before being able to provide for a woman is not inticing. I can provide for myself thank you very much, granted it may not be as much or as nice as what he could provide but I'm doing fine. Definately being treated equally, and not just trying to but it has to be truly imbedded in the mans character that women should be treated with dignity and respect, they need to have been raised this way so they do it without thinking. Good humor, not forced. Humor that reflect intelligence and education is far better than just stand up with lots of swearing. Also it's best if the guy isn't trying to hard. Just talking to all people- men and women in a relaxed manner, getting to know them and showing interest in the conversation. This is better than coming up to the woman because "ah there is a potential woman that I better get to know because she might be the one."
And someone mentioned how they treat kids and animals but more importantly, how a man treats his mother says a lot. If he has no respect or caring for his mom he isn't likely to really respect women. Oh and my number one criteria which is my advice to all single women: He has to be able to cook and that does not include barbecue, frozen pizza, or ordering take out. If he can't cook forget it!!
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Old 06-22-2007, 10:22 AM   #14
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I agree with Stiney... if I ever heard someone say something like that I would be gone. (that isn't to say i think he said it to a girl ... just that i would expect someone who says that to have their next line be "well you must just be a lesbian then." ) I am sure it is just the way i am interpreting it through this medium but it is still weird to me.

That being said, I am a sucker for reeeeeally bad pick up lines. The ones that are so outrageous that nobody should ever get by with saying them. There was a line on Friends where the guy said to Pheobe, "You are the prettiest fake undercover wh*re I have ever seen." That TOTALLY would have worked on me... in the short term anyway...lol

My list of things that are important to me... funny, smart, caring, a strong sense of family, and a strong sense of self. I watch how people interact with me when I am on a date but most importantly I watch how they interact with the people around us. I know that in a first date situation he is totally trying to impress me. I want to know that he is going to treat the wait staff well.
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Old 06-22-2007, 10:30 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Stiney View Post

That's an odd way to phrase it....Maybe I'm interpreting what he said wrong, but that could be a problem in his approach.
Actually, no, I'd say you hit it pretty close to the mark, my wife has also noticed the same thing. She doesn't like being provided for, so even though she doesn't earn money at a job, she keeps the home clean, cooks dinner, and that sort of thing. I asked her about it once, primarily because people thought I was being chauvinistic about it, and she had told me that it's because of our son, not that she can't earn money, but that she would rather share in responsibility of keeping the home well run, and that I should earn the money while she gets to spend it....but I digress.

I would agree that he does need a female friend, but he ends up making my wife mad at him just about every time he comes out. I had suggested that he start with her, and if he could become friends with my wife, then he could do it with anybody. He believes he was born 50 years out of date, and personally, I would think that would have to do with the fact that he's still having trouble accepting that men and women are more equal these days than they were accepted 50 years ago. In short, I'm thinking he has a big chauvinistic attitude. Think I should get him to a matchmaker? :rofling:
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Old 06-22-2007, 10:47 AM   #16
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Quote:
In short, I'm thinking he has a big chauvinistic attitude.

There's a woman for him out there somewhere, you just wouldn't find her on this board, apparently. We don't seem to be the submissive types.

I know many couples who've been happily married for years. A few of them have a very dominant/submissive dynamic going on and it works for them. Your friend just needs to find a traditionally-minded woman who wants a man to tell her what to do. Believe me, there are plenty of them out there.

At least he knows what he's looking for. Now he just needs to put himself in places where he can meet that kind of woman. If he can tone down the bravado and let women see his sweet side he'll be fine.

BTW Rorshach, you're a really good friend to help him out this way. I hope he realizes that.
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Old 06-22-2007, 10:50 AM   #17
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Most importantly I look for someone who is just overall a nice person. Cocky guys are a huge turn off because they usually think they are the greatest thing going. A good sense of humor is very important; someone who can act silly (at the appropriate times) and laugh with you makes the relationship fun. I also agree with mulene, good manners are a must. He doesn't have to be a knight in shining armor but just have common curtsey and respect for others.
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Old 06-22-2007, 10:50 AM   #18
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I totally understand your wife's perspective. It's not a path that I would choose, personally, but she isn't being "provided for" she's just contributing in different ways.

I'm not sure what advice to offer your friend. What about him upsets your wife? Is it the chauvinism, or something else? Because your wife won't be alone if it is the chauvinism.
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Old 06-22-2007, 11:06 AM   #19
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Hmmm... well I don't think there's anything wrong with believing in "traditional" values, but your friend must realize that even a traditional woman nowadays expects to be treated as a partner and an equal. She could be ok with having your friend "provide" a house and car for her, but I'm 100% sure she also expects her role to be recognized and her opinion to be as important as his. It's not a business transaction where "I provide this, you provide that. Deal!". It's about building a life together, making choices based on your particular context and on your values and priorities. Why does he want to find a woman? I think I would start with that. He wants someone because he's bored? He's tired of cooking for himself? He can hire people for that! Because he "should", because of the role it would give him in society? That's not a good reason either. If he's looking for a life partner who shares similar goals and values, and he's willing to compromise some things to be with that person because he truly believes they can both be happy in this relationship, then we might be going somewhere.
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Old 06-22-2007, 12:38 PM   #20
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Well, Stine, that I don't know, but I think it's all the "pull my finger" jokes, and generally brash annoyance. I will ask my wife about it, if you're truly interested.

I have had him try to role play with my wife, asked him to treat her as if she were not married to me, and to find out what she's interested in, unfortunately, he won't do it because it offends his sense of things. But he says he cannot be a friend to a woman, so it's either all the way "I'm your girlfriend" or nothing at all. So far it's been the nothing at all, and he's not taking that well.
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