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Old 06-29-2007, 12:30 PM   #11
letah75
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Originally Posted by PaperGirl View Post
PLEASE PLEASE (I know you wouldnt do this cause you are a wonderful person!, but I have to say it anyway...)

Dont EVER talk poopy about her to your bf...there is always a chance that the little one will hear it.

I only say that because my ex remarried, and his wife HATES me. And she ALWAYS...no matter WHAT, finds SOME way to take a jab at me..or my DH. And it is awful. AND...when my oldest goes to visit her dad..(like she is leaving today for summer vacay with them) she always comes home with at least ONE instance of something that stepmom says about me, DH, or our family...and it infuriates me.

I have TRIED so hard to be nice to her and her daughter for MY daughters sake...but she makes it SO hard!

She wants school pictures of DD...I tell her I will order an extra sheet, but she needs to help pay...she refuses.

She wants to rearrange visitation for DD's dad...I try to help...she makes it a pain in my butt...and not convienent at all.

AND...the part that upsets my daughter the most...is that her stepmom clearly favors HER daughter over MINE..and it shows alot.

Please, take extra care to make sure that you and BF dont do that to the little guy.

And Im SURE that you wont...but...its just my experience..

Oh Paper Girl,

I am soooo sorry! She sounds like a very spiteful jelous women, who is very insecure in her relationship. How awful!!!

I would NEVER say anything negative about mommy. She is a nice women, and daddy is always very careful not to talk badly about her in anyway shape or form.

My philosophy is I can't be upset or jelous of her, because had he not been with her, he wouldn't be the wonderful man he is now. there were lessons he learned with her, that are important to who he's become. Also, if he'd never been married to her there wouldn't be wonderful Little jr.

No, I'm very concerned with making this as good of a relationship as possible. The most important thing is Little jr. and his knowing that just because mom and daddy aren't married doesn't mean that they can't be friends. We all need to model healthy, positive adult relationships and behavior for him as that is what will help him most in life.

If daddy and I do get married, we'll have babies of our own. In my philosophy Little jr. and any future babies of mine will be brother and sister or brother and brother. There will be NO "Oh that's my half brother/sister...." They will be siblings, not half this or half that.

To me when there is a child, all adult concerns/issues/etc. become secondary. The most important thing is that child and what is best for him/her.

I thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. I know I will have to keep on my toes, and just keep checking myself.


I did get the pictures printed up and framed for his mom last night. One of Little jr. and mom 5x7", one of Little jr. by himself (with his kindergarden diploma)5x7", and one of daddy and Little jr. 4x6".

I figure Little jr. should have picture of him and daddy at his mom's house, and since they were are part of each other's lives for a long time she deserves that too.

I have pictures for daddy too, and I will be putting a picture of Little jr. with daddy, and Little jr. with mom up in his room (in my house). So that he knows his mom is known to be an important part of his life, and that she is welcome in my home and my life. Because she's his mom, and one of the most important people to him.
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Old 06-29-2007, 12:35 PM   #12
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I know that I have already said so, but i just want to say again that i think you are doing a wonderful job and thank you so much for caring so much.
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Old 06-29-2007, 12:48 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by letah75 View Post

I have pictures for daddy too, and I will be putting a picture of Little jr. with daddy, and Little jr. with mom up in his room (in my house). So that he knows his mom is known to be an important part of his life, and that she is welcome in my home and my life. Because she's his mom, and one of the most important people to him.


That is EXACTLY how I TRY to be with my ex and his wife. But she will NOT have it. I have been to their house NUMEROUS times, but they will NOT come to mine. She is SO insecure about he and I seeing each other. Funny, since Im the one who left him...:thinking:

Seriously. Im about 10 minutes away from where I have been asked to meet them to drop DD off this afternoon.

Will they take the 10-20 minutes to come here?

No.



You are being a WONDERFUL sport about all this, and I think the mom is quite lucky to have someone like you in her sons life.
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Old 06-29-2007, 01:14 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by PaperGirl View Post
That is EXACTLY how I TRY to be with my ex and his wife. But she will NOT have it. I have been to their house NUMEROUS times, but they will NOT come to mine. She is SO insecure about he and I seeing each other. Funny, since Im the one who left him...:thinking:

Seriously. Im about 10 minutes away from where I have been asked to meet them to drop DD off this afternoon.

Will they take the 10-20 minutes to come here?

No.



You are being a WONDERFUL sport about all this, and I think the mom is quite lucky to have someone like you in her sons life.
Paper Girl,

I think it's so sad when people can't just realize that a former couple isn't together for a reason, and there is no need for jelousy or catty/childish behavior.

You know I have ex-friends that I no longer talk to (hence the 'ex' :rofling, but I still have pictures of them up in my house. They were friends and we had good times, and I am who I am because of some of those good times. I try not to let the negative experiences sour me on people.

I know she is a good mom, and above all she IS HIS MOM. And therefore she deserves my respect and at the very least she deserves me being polite and courtious to her.

Paper Girl, I think you are a wonderfully strong and special person to not only deal with a brat like her, but that you are being an adult about things around your daughter. I have sooooooooo much respect and admiration for you!!!!! I give you my and and . I hope that someday she will come to realize that she has nothing to fear from you....but I know that your daughter knows who the better person is, and I know that her love for you will grow and grow.

When your daughter is an adult she will have had such a wonderful example of strenght and womenhood from you that there is no doubt she will be a loving and strong adult!

I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers, and that other women. I hope she will grow up some day.
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Old 06-29-2007, 01:37 PM   #15
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well speaking on the 'ex' side of the fence - you are being great .....

I have had a birthday present from the boys to Daddy returned to the shop because 'it didn't fit' - I knew that it was because I chose it but 'whatever!' - apparently when Dad went to put it on (in front of my oldest) he was told 'you're not wearing that' .... and then there were questions made when my oldest said to her face that he hated her!!!!

Everything is fine now - I have constantly told my boys that it is ok for them to like the new girlfriend etc and never say anything horrid about her (in their presence ).

I think you are doing a wonderful job and I hope it is as easy for me when (hopefully) I meet someone new
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Old 06-29-2007, 01:40 PM   #16
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I'm going to speak knowing that I may be in the minority here...

This is such a delicate situation. My first literal gut reaction was heartbreak for the child's mom. A child has many "firsts" in his/her life, and if this is her first (or only) child they are even more special...and now she will always remember that her son ran past her to his dad and his girlfriend.

You are being very kind and considerate and the picture is a very nice gesture and a good start. There is nothing though that can change the fact that dad is bringing his girlfriend to these special occasions and kids being kids often react the way he did.

If your being there is causing her pain you might consider not going to some of these things, but joining the group later if there is a party or something. When/if you are married at some point then the dynamics change and you should be there, but for now give her some time. Divorce is painful enough and she may feel like she's losing her child to another woman, too. It may not be a rational feeling, but that doesn't make it go away.
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Old 06-29-2007, 02:07 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Jan in CA View Post
I'm going to speak knowing that I may be in the minority here...

This is such a delicate situation. My first literal gut reaction was heartbreak for the child's mom. A child has many "firsts" in his/her life, and if this is her first (or only) child they are even more special...and now she will always remember that her son ran past her to his dad and his girlfriend.

You are being very kind and considerate and the picture is a very nice gesture and a good start. There is nothing though that can change the fact that dad is bringing his girlfriend to these special occasions and kids being kids often react the way he did.

If your being there is causing her pain you might consider not going to some of these things, but joining the group later if there is a party or something. When/if you are married at some point then the dynamics change and you should be there, but for now give her some time. Divorce is painful enough and she may feel like she's losing her child to another woman, too. It may not be a rational feeling, but that doesn't make it go away.
I was worried about that too! She has two older boys (two different dads). I definately don't want her to be hurt. I don't have kids yet, but I can only imagine how hurt I would be, and that is the last thing I want to inflict on her.

Daddy and mom had agreed to have Little jr. go to lunch with us after graduation. We invited her and she declined. When we got to the restaurant she called and asked if we wanted to meet her at the restaurant she was at. We immediately went to where she was, so that Little jr. could have both of his parents at his graduation lunch.

It took us about 10 minutes to get there, then when we'd gotten our food, she left and went home. I don't know why she left, but when she did we exchanged plesentries ("It was nice to meet you. I'll see you again next time"). Daddy did mention to her that she and I have met a couple of times before over the years, at church. She knows my dad and mom (my dad's the priest at the church), and realized that daddy and I have know each other for years and years. I'm hoping that since she knows my family (in a general way), that it will give her a little better feeling because she will have an idea as to how I was raised, and that I will be good to and around her son.

Since it was our first meeting as me being GF and her being mom, it wasn't uncomfortable, just slightly awakard. I'm hoping that over time we will be able to talk, and become understanding towards one another. I really do think it'll be ok, because she is nice, and has a fairly gentle personality....here's hoping.

Jan, thank you so much for your advice. You always have wonderful information for people, and I really have come to respect your opinion over the time I've been on KH. And Jan, minority is wonderful, that is exactly why I posted. I really do want to hear all of the angels. I won't see them, and every little bit, most of all the minority opinions...because those are the ones I'm less likely to get to on my own.
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Old 06-29-2007, 02:18 PM   #18
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Thank you, Letah. I'm glad I didn't offend and you took my advice how I intended it.

Another thought is to tell jr to go to mom first in these situations. He's old enough to understand a little bit and more so as he gets older.
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Old 06-29-2007, 02:27 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Jan in CA View Post
Thank you, Letah. I'm glad I didn't offend and you took my advice how I intended it.

Another thought is to tell jr to go to mom first in these situations. He's old enough to understand a little bit and more so as he gets older.
You are quite right. This is why when he grabbed my hand and asked me to come with him to show his mom his diploma, I told him that she would like to see it just from him and that I'd be out in a little bit.

I don't want her to think that I'm "trying to be his mom". Definately not. I know who mom is, and I never am going to try to take her place, just add to how many people love him and cherish him. But mom is mom and dad is dad.

Now saying that I am not counting myself as his friend...that sounds kinda harsh, but I'm also not going to get into the "well she lets me...." I know this isn't going to come off how I want it to. But I figure that children have enough friends, etc. I will be one of the adults, and when necessary I will curb negative behavior I see...when the time is right and when necessary. I'm not one of those "wait til I tell your dad" people.

If I see a kid misbehaving I will say something, and especially if it's in my house and on my time. But I will do it in a way that mom and dad are both ok with. I know how dad feels about discipline, and I know from him how mom is. But one of these days (in the future), I think she and I will have to discuss what her feelings/philosophy on discipline is.

Luckilly, dad and I were disciplined very similarlly as children, and I remember a time or two that his mom got me for bad behavior and my mom got him....because they were the closest adults, and when we were kids, the closest adult gotcha first, then your parents gotcha best.
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Old 06-29-2007, 02:49 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by letah75 View Post
and when we were kids, the closest adult gotcha first, then your parents gotcha best.
Isn't that the truth!!! these days that attitude is rare. (lol- don't get me started about saying "no" to someone else's kid.....)

I'm glad you are being so sensitive of everyone's feelings- it sounds like everyone is trying really hard. Little JR will thrive with so many to love him. your idea of the pictures is very nice and I hope it is accepted in the spirit in which it is given.
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