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Old 07-03-2007, 11:37 AM   #1
Mommy22alyns
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Making friends IRL
Does anyone else have trouble making friends IRL? I basically have no friends. I'll meet someone and think we could maybe be friends, but it never happens. I try putting myself out there but I always get rejected. I have to wonder what's wrong with me. I'm a mom, but I'm not the (stero)typical mommy. So 99.9% of moms I come across through Becca's activities just don't click. I don't know why, but I just feel so very different from them. It doesn't help that more than half of them already know each other well.

My latest blow - I was supposed to meet up with another woman for some needlework time. I went there, waited for about an hour, and nothing. She emailed me the next day or so and apologized that she'd gotten caught up in something else. I emailed her back saying it wasn't a big deal. No response. A week or so later, I called her, hoping to meet up again. I had to leave a message and I still haven't heard anything back - this was nearly 2 weeks ago.

I know she is super busy, but I thought she'd at least be able to shoot me a brief email. I don't want to put myself back out here yet again. I feel like I'm chasing these people down, begging them to be my friend. What makes me so detestable?
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Old 07-03-2007, 11:49 AM   #2
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I know exactly how you feel.

I too find it incredibly difficult to make friends. I won't presume to know you and diagnose you, so I'll just tell you about me.

I have walls around me that are made of titanium, are about 3 feet thick, and it takes an act of God or federal regulation for me to lower my walls so that people can get in.

Also, I usually don't trust well AT ALL. Or, I trust inappropriately. So I tend to choose untrustworthy individuals, only to be (duh) slapped in the face with my choices.

I'm told I appear cold and stand-off'ish, reserved, withdrawn, etc. I hate being looked at, am fearful in crowds of people, and my throat seems to close off when I try to speak to people.

The few that I did allow in, including my husband, all tell me I'm not at all what I think I am.

See, most of the time I *think* people won't like me. I'm either too old, too heavy, not smart enough, too smart, unlikeable, unloved, and alone. Therefore, I choose people who will confirm the lies my mind tells me.

I'm sorry I don't have answers for you, but I did want to let you know that you aren't alone.

As for a solution for you, I can only tell you that I had to learn to try to stop believing the lies I hear myself think and take a good, hard look at myself. I had to learn to stand firm in my beliefs, not to prostitute my principles, or twist myself into something I'm not so that others will like me.

When I did that, things began to get better.

I hope they will for you as well.

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Old 07-03-2007, 11:52 AM   #3
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Your not on own, I'm like you. I have a couple of 'friends' but I always calling them and I hardly ever see them. It's why I take comfort from this place, I have made so many friends, chat to people I actually have something in common with. When I had a problem I posted here and you guys were brilliant, and helped me through it. People here have shown me much more kindness that my so called friends here in Newport EVER had. They don't even like my knitting!

Why not find the closest KF member to you and see if you could meet up? I long to meet some of personally but seeing as I'm never likely to travel to the US, I'll make do with chatting to you all.
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Old 07-03-2007, 11:53 AM   #4
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I feel you, itís really hard to put yourself out there and make friends. I moved to Boston last year only knowing one other person here (a good friend I grew up with). I thought that I was going to become good friends with my roommate but we just didnít click. She doesnít like to talk to me and just sits in her room with the door closed all the time. Itís been hard for me to meet other people here besides the people Iíve met through my friend. Iím a fairly shy person at first when I meet someone so I think that makes things harder too. Iím sorry you feel down about this, Iíve been there before and it really stinks. Maybe you could try a knitting group to meet a bunch of people in a social setting. Lots of LYS have nights of the week that people come in and knit. It might help to meet people if youíre in a group, sometimes I find that easier. Whatever happens donít get too down, weíre always here for you.
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Old 07-03-2007, 11:57 AM   #5
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I relate to you so much! The ladies I have also met are through my girls schools and I thought we clicked only to not hear from them since school has been out. There were even a couple of them who asked for our contact information saying they wanted the kids to get together and nothing yet. We did go to a picnic with one of the parents at her house, but I kinda feel that the only reason we were invited was my husband is dutch (her husband is also dutch as were most of the people there). And she did not really talk to me all that much (I did try to talk to her). I have even tried going to a couple of knit groups, the first one it felt like I was out of place, I was the only one not knitting a sock and blogless. The second one, well I am not even sure when it meets again and it is a large one, the first meeting they had well over 35 people!

For now I have decided that I am not really going to put myself out there until we move to a house we own but I definitely understand where you are coming from! I think I would go crazy if it were not for Knitting Help!!
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Old 07-03-2007, 12:06 PM   #6
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Welcome to the club! My friends consist of family... hubby, mom, sister, bro n sis in law. A few people that work with hubby, but they're just acquaintances. We hang out together from time to time, but it's just not the same as one true best friend. I don't have a girlfriend. I'd love a buddy that I could hang out with, go shopping with, chit chat with...

But it's my own fault. I'm kinda a homebody. I like to stay home or just do things with my family. I don't like clubs or bars because I hate being hit on, so I only go out drinking with DH.

I'm mourning the loss of my best friend actually. He (yes, he) didn't die, but he's become a self centered a-hole. Seriously. I can't even stand to be around him anymore. He was my best friend for 14 years, and I was his Best Man at his wedding. He's so not the same person he used to be. He only cares about himself now, and only calls if he needs a favor from me.
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Old 07-03-2007, 12:11 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Silver View Post
I'm mourning the loss of my best friend actually. He (yes, he) didn't die, but he's become a self centered a-hole.
Silver, I'm so sorry for the loss you're feeling. I'm grieving the loss of my best friend as well. She died on 12/30/06, at 53 years old. At home, on her couch, surrounded by her cats and her boyfriend.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
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Old 07-03-2007, 12:16 PM   #8
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Thank you Feef. But seeing my friend turn into an a-hole is nothing compared to your loss. I'm so sorry. {{{{{{{{{{Feef}}}}}}}}}
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Old 07-03-2007, 12:24 PM   #9
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I'm mourning the loss of my friendship with my ex-best friend too.
It's been almost 2 years since she flipped out and turned into a rancid b*tch on me.

I've been trying to find someone that I can be friends with on the level she and I were, but it's not easy.
I email people and they don't email back. They post that they want friends, but then they don't email me back. Doesn't make sense to me.
None of the people I work with click with me. They talk about shoes and parties and things like that. (Not that there's anything wrong with those things.)

I've been having a hard time lately with the fact that I don't have any really close girlfriends. I miss that relationship so much...
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Old 07-03-2007, 12:25 PM   #10
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I'll add my two cents- making new friends is hard. its hard work to find people you might remotely like- then hard work to keep making the connections to actually make a friend.

When I was in HS and college- we had endless hours and no responsiblilties so we had tons of free time to go out/ hang out with friends and talk hours about nothing, and find out all the little details about each other.

now that I'm employed, married and a mom, there just isn't that kind of time. (or frankly, interesting people). my "me" time is spent knitting, checking in with family, or friends I know well from long ago. I'm really really trying to make friends with a neighbor of mine. But it is so hard for each of us to find time to just sit and chat. (she has 3 kids, is in grad school etc.) We are very friendly and everything but I really hardly know her. but we are both making an effort to make contact every couple weeks. (i know- sad- she lives 2 houses down, and we harldy ever lay eyes on each other!)

The other moms at dd's school really aren't my type. we are pleasant acquaintences, and set up play dates, and like each other's kids, but I wouldn't just call any of them out of the blue to go get coffee or anything. in a former playgroup, I always felt left out. I just didn't fit in. This used to really bother me. but when I really thought about the people, I didn't really want to get to know them either. so we left the playgroup (without drama- it was just over for the season).

I guess I just want to say don't give up totally- but do try to keep working on those who are worthy of your time and effort.

hang in there, MKZ
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