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Old 08-23-2007, 09:04 PM   #21
knit.newbie
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mrs desert rain: thanks..

I'd understand if there worries was that he isn't a good person or it's not for my best..
but they don't even know him..and my dad has told me repeatedly that " I should know that he isn't expecting me to bring home a guy..cause we come from another country and I'll have to marry from there"..and I think that's just being closed-minded..onthing to do with what's good for me!

and yea..I always thought what the hell it's my life and I'm gonna do what would make me happy! untill my dad told me that he got into the hospital twice this last yr for heart problems...and that's when I started thinking 'well i guess i can't really do that'

I love my dad..and I don't wanna hurt him..and I'll do everything I could to keep him healthy..
but I also love my man..and I can def say he treats me better than my dad! (I don't wanna get into this but according to canadian laws and stuff..both my parents would be considered abusives..both physically and emotionally)
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Old 08-23-2007, 09:10 PM   #22
dakatzmeow
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i think, being in college/university, you are in an excellent position to seek out some counseling. someone to run things by, bounce some ideas off of them, vent. is it possible to seek someone out with beliefs similar to yours?
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Old 08-23-2007, 09:17 PM   #23
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dakatzmeow:first of all, thanks
my beliefs aren't a very big part of my life..it is for my parents but not for me..so a counselors beliefs shouldn't be a big deal..the counsler thing though..even though I haven't tried I don't believe in the idea!! hehe

but yea..I'm prolly going to consider it if things kept stressing me out like that..

thanks again!
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Old 08-23-2007, 09:17 PM   #24
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Well, parents do know how to tug the heartstrings, after all, they are the ones that put them there in the first place.

Ironically, though, you mentioned that your parents might be going through a divorce, it's very possible that could cause a heart attack as well. Basically poor health and stress don't mix too well. So I would not say that you're to blame for your dad's heart.

I'm of the belief that people need to take responsibility for their own choices in life, and blaming others gets you nowhere, similarly, blaming yourself for something you have no control over is just as pointless.

Still, I understand that where family is involved it's difficult to make a choice that may seem selfish. But on the other hand, you would probably do well to put your principles firmly in front, and use that as your measuring stick on where to go. geez, if I keep adding my 2 cents, you're gonna be rich someday
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Old 08-23-2007, 09:21 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by Rorshach View Post
geez, if I keep adding my 2 cents, you're gonna be rich someday



I'm pretty sure I'm not to blame for the heart problems he had lately..cuz i've been a 'good girl' this last year..
...it doesn't count if I don't get caught, does it?

I'm just worried about causing him one later..

but yea...all well..I'll follow my gut and I'm sure it'll all turn out okay later..I just had to rant cuz if i bottled it any longer my head would explode!(and I also dont want my dad to have to clean up the mess!)


everybody here has been great and I'm already feeling better!! thanks a lot guys!
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Old 08-24-2007, 11:09 AM   #26
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Here's my 2 cents, and really, that may be all it's worth.

I am a big believer that you live by the rules of the house. If you continue to live at home after you can legally move out, you choose to follow the rules of the house.

I realize that in some cultures, a young woman remains in the home until marriage, but if you are willing to buck tradition by dating a man oustide of your culture, and possibly marry him someday, then perhaps you should also consider moving out.

If nothing else, it establishes to the family that you are choosing your own path. To a parent, any parent, a child choosing to live on their own (or with a roommate) would be less of a shock than bringing home a guy that they really don't approve of.

Then, when they get used to you being away from the family, ease them in to the idea that you are seeing this man.

I don't think age is an issue - if you are both in the same place in your lives. If he is divorced or separated from a wife, or if he is a professor, or if he is a professional while you are still a student, it's not usually a good idea to be romantically involved. The older, more established, partner will always have more power in the relationship than the younger and it's just not a balanced relationship. If you notice that he is always taking care of you, and you do not get to return the favor with as much frequency, examine your relationship to see if you have created a surrogate father figure in your life...one who lets you do what you want.

No matter what happens, I wish you a happy future.

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Old 08-24-2007, 11:43 AM   #27
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My two cents, albeit that I may be a little late in posting.

Girls DO cry, and they cry hard when necessary.

You need to resolve any issues that you have with your parents. Like it or not, they are the most important people in your life. My dad and I don't get along very well (his head is in the clouds these days, among other places), and it bothers me every day. That doesn't mean that you do whatever they say. However, if you are living in their house and they are supporting you, their wishes should have more weight than if you were giving them rent or grocery money. Try to be respectfully assertive - which is a difficult thing to be good at.

Oh, and crying does not get you out of a speeding ticket. Apologizing does. Crying with probably double your fine. I know for two reasons. One, my father and brother are cops, and it drives them absolutely off the charts when women do that. Two, I got pulled over for doing 30 mph over the limit once and said, sorry, I was just going too fast (it was a sunny day on a back county road and I still had my Monte Carlo - oh and I was on the way to the local dirt track races) - and the trooper knocked it down to a 10 mph ticket. Yes, I still got a ticket - but I would have lost my license and gotten a much stiffer fine.
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Old 08-24-2007, 11:52 AM   #28
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I agree with Auburnchic take things really slowly and let your parents get used to one thing at a time... Dont blame yourself for your dads "heart attcks" these can happen to anyone at anytime in their lives. Please try to remember that you only have one mum and dad and they they love you very much and think they are doing the right things by you...Just give them time. Take care and its good to cry girl!!!!!
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Old 08-24-2007, 04:44 PM   #29
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thanks everybody!! it feels good reading replys of ppl telling me they actually care!

msoebel: as u said..in some cultures a girl is supposed to stay home till marriage..and if she moves out then that means she's bringing shame on the family..and would have to face fights (and possibly beatings)..and would prolly be disowned by her parents.. sadly, I come from a culture like that..
and even though I could not care less about traditions..my parents do..and me moving out would have a HUGE impact on them! to put it simply Im not gonna be able to tell them where i am if I don't wanna get hurt..and they'll end up telling ppl that I died.. and that's what hurts the most about the whole situation!!! that they just don't care about what would make me happy cause they're too busy thinking about traditions and culture!

and about the age difference..it's not bugging me at all! we're both in the same university(even though he's a senior and I'm a sophomore ) and u really can't tell the age difference by the way we are together..

there isn't really an easy solution to my problems..my only hope is that my parents would change..but I just needed to rant..

thanks a lot!!

sinistral_needler: trust me..I would LOVE to fix stuff up with my parents..nobody would really get how it is unless they are in the same situation..but really..i would like to say it's impossible but I know nothing is...so ill just say it's almost impossible!
I deeply love them though..and I AM gonna make sure that they'll stay in my life no matter what..it just gets !!

and about the ticket thing...you would def know better!! I don't even have my G1(learner license) yet!! hehe

thanks a lot for ur advice!


and thanks a lot Pauline! i guess giving them time and hoping it'll work is all I can do!
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Old 08-24-2007, 05:10 PM   #30
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Ok, I'm late too, but I gotta have my say. :-)

First of all

Next, it's very hard for those of us who come from a western tradtion to understand ALL of the cultural issues you will have to deal with. I think from what I know of friends and family who have been in similar relationships your parents, if they are as steeped in culture as you say, are not going to change. Perhaps (and hopefully) I am wrong, but from my own life experiences I believe it to be unlikely.

That being said, if you love this man, and you want to marry him, be sure, I mean really SURE, he understands what the two of you would have to deal with when/if you get married. Safety first for all involved, but it sounds like if you marry him you will have to move away.

I have a very close family friend who married her husband 30 years ago. Her parents were immigrants, and very "old school" culturally speaking. Not only was he not of their ethnicity, but he was a different religion and 12 years younger than she was. (They met when she was the secretary at his highschool). When they got married they had to move out of state (actually from one ocean to another) to get away from her family and any possible violence. She was disowned and her family never spoke to her again.

She believed marrying him was what was right for her. They've been happily married for 30 years (almost 31) now, have two wonderful children, and many exceptional friends. His family was fine with the marriage and so there is regular contact with them. It still grieves her, that her parents and 13 bro's and sis's still won't talk to her. There were many conversations with the children about her family and why there was no contact.

The situation you are in is an extreamly tough and quite potentially life altering. I think if you love him, you love him, and that's what life is about. You have to do what you think is best for you. But be sure of your decision, be aware of all consequences, make him aware of all consequences, and make sure the two of you are in it together.

Personally, I think counseling would be good for you, just for your emotional health. Additionally, I am a big advocate for premarital counseling, not necessarly religious. But in a situation where differing religions and cultures are coming together, I think it's VERY important to get a premarital counselor. In addition to all of the things people forget to talk about prior to getting married, you throw in extra differences and there is just more to discuss, and be sure of.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope for the best. All I can say is you have to do what is best for you and your future happiness.
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