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Old 09-07-2007, 06:27 PM   #1
Eloewien
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Need to vent... tough month...
**note- sorry for the length, but there's so much going on...**
This is just a bad day...week... month... figured I would get it out of my system with people that would understand.
I'm not at the panic attack point, but I am at the "I want to scream or go hit something or cry uncontrollably if this doesn't back off soon" point. Thankfully, I never actually do any of that, but I feel like I want to!
Work is being difficult- I'm a technical trainer in a call center and everyone is stressed, so our boss is being a bit hard on us. Then I have an agent questioning my every move (yea- you have been here two WEEKS, I've been here over five YEARS- you have no idea what you're talking about!) I finished another training class the week before last and it was the worst group I ever had to deal with. Every time I tried to reprimand an agent, management found a reason not to do it, so I had no authority with that group. This group is just frustrating and very immature. I honestly don't think most of them will make it out of training, let alone be able to do the job.

I also interviewed for a job about two months ago, and haven't heard back. They called all my references two weeks ago, but now it's just a waiting game. I'm friends with over half the department where I'm trying to go, and they haven't been told that anyone got the job yet, but mom keeps telling me that I shouldn't get my hopes up, I'm probably not going to get it. On the flip side- every one of my coworkers here and possible future coworkers say I'm the best candidate... but still mom says I won't get it, which hurts.
Two weeks ago, we found out that my husband's grandfather had cancer. Two days later, he died of a massive heart attack. We then drove round trip from our home in Virginia to Florida in four days- with all the driving around Florida as well, it was over 2,000 miles. I'm still completely exhausted from that.
We then had company - my husband's former room mate from college- in town, and tickets to a football game I really wanted to go to, so didn't get any down time that weekend either.
Today, mom called to say that my "Grandma" Barbara who helped raise me (not really grandma, but adopted family) is in Virginia visiting, she lives in Nevada, so it's a long way. I haven't seen her in about 12 years, so yea- I would like to see her. However, Virginia is a decently large state. I live as far west as you can get and still be in Virginia. She gave me no warning that this was happening, and she wants me to drop everything and drive 4 1/2 - 5 hours each way to go see her. When I called mom back and said I'm just not safe to drive, she offered to come get me. The two problems there are that she makes me insanely carsick when she drives, and she's really not safe to drive at night. I also know that there is no way she could do 18-20 hours of driving in two days. I know that this is probably the last chance of me ever seeing her... but I just can't do it.
On top of that- tomorrow is the 6 year anniversary of my father-in-law's death, so my husband is dealing with losing his grandfather and that brought back lots of memories of losing his father as well. He is somewhat sick this week and completely exhausted from working too much, and I'm NOT leaving him at home alone.
About an hour ago, she had dad call me too- and he sounds so disappointed in me. Dad almost never acts that way, and it is really hurting. It's all I can do not to go hide in a corner and cry somewhere, but I have seven agents that I am responsible for training, and we have too many people out sick so there is no one to cover for me if I leave.
I just feel like the most awful person in the world. I'm going back and forth between near-panic, being ready to cry, and being so angry I want to just hit something. I tried taking one of the few 0.25mg Xanax I have left... I didn't have mental health coverage of any sort for six months. The new coverage just started last week, and I've got an appointment next week, but it's not helping me much now.
I just feel horrible and guilty but at the same time so angry that my parents are making me feel so torn between adopted family and my husband. How in the world can I make a choice? Either way, I let someone down... which makes me feel awful. This has been happening more and more where I get put in a position between having to choose between my husband and the rest of my family, even after seven years, mom doesn't think he's good enough. He has never done anything to annoy them except stick up for me and take care of me. He and I have been in one real fight in seven years, he almost never even raises his voice to me, and would never do anything worse than that. He has a very good job and works very hard for us to have the life that we want... so I have absolutely no idea why they don't approve. The only thing he did "wrong" was ask me to marry him when I was 19, but after seven years, you would think that would be in the past.
I just don't know how much more I can take and still function. Just to clarify- nothing worse than a crying fit or panic attack would happen, but usually after one of those, I'm pretty well numb and useless. (Figured I would clarify- I am not the type to hurt even a bug, let alone myself or anyone else!) I'm just on extreme emotional overload.
Anyone have any coping suggestions? Not allowed to knit at work, I'll get fired. Can't run off and cry- makes too much of a big deal because everyone freaks out if I do that... can't leave without causing major problems...
but work has left me screwed more times than I can count-- maybe they should just deal for once????
Anyway- thanks for letting me get that out of my system.... and wow, this really did come out long...
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Old 09-07-2007, 06:33 PM   #2
Jan in CA
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I'm sorry you're under so much stress. Your mom may not understand how you are feeling now and doesn't realize that she's adding to the stress. Take a deep breath and go for a walk (no cell phones) or sit and knit. Do something YOU enjoy.
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Old 09-07-2007, 06:54 PM   #3
Eloewien
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Just made it to dinner break at work- gonna go grab a chai latte (comfort "food")... it certainly won't hurt...
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Old 09-07-2007, 07:22 PM   #4
Carla1019
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sounds like you have the weight of the world on you shoulder. I second what Jan said.. Take a walk or just go set in the closet.....(That is what I do)
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Old 09-07-2007, 07:26 PM   #5
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I think that your husband should come first. If your family doesn't understand, so be it. You live with your husband, not them.

Life is so full of stresses. We just need to realize that doing our best IS good enough...maybe not for others but for ourselves. Once we get to this point, we don't really need to fret. Make your decisions, stick with them, and let bygones be bygones. You sound like an intelligent woman who is quite capable of making decisions on her own. Don't let others make you feel bad for what you know is right.

I hope things get better soon.

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Old 09-07-2007, 07:50 PM   #6
Eloewien
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went to lunch... cried a bit, prayed a bit and called husband (was waiting for him to get home from work)... it helped a bit. I think I just had to let it go and get through it a bit, which writing really helped0. Thanks for listening
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Old 09-07-2007, 07:52 PM   #7
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It does sound like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I hate that feeling. What I do when I'm feeling that way is visualize myself putting all my issues in a big helium balloon and then visualize me opening a window and pushing that balloon out into the atmosphere. I know this may sound cheesy but it does work for me. I need to add that sometimes I imagine myself taking a flame thrower to the balloon.



I hope you get peace soon.

~best wishes~
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Old 09-07-2007, 07:52 PM   #8
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Big hugs to you! Do what you know is best for you and your husband. The rest of the family will have to understand. Take care.
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Old 09-07-2007, 08:12 PM   #9
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Been there, done that and didn't get a tee-shirt (yes, my bad attempt at humor!!!) Being pulled in too many directions by too many people s*cks! You have to do what you need to do for YOURSELF, your husband and your sanity! Somedays I have felt like punching someone or having a good cry in the office because too many people are asking too many things of me-but I didn't-my attorneys (I work in a law office) get totally freaked when someone cries and they really frown on my punching folks (WELL, there was that one day I locked myself in the bathroom and had a good sob ) Its ok to put yourself (and husband, too) first. The other things can fall in line behind. And any time you need to vent, vent away! Take care.
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Old 09-07-2007, 08:39 PM   #10
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I totally know where you are coming from. I am the "responsible, patient" one in the family. Everyone comes to me for everything. Sometimes the pressure is too much with dealing with my family, being a teacher, my husband's overnight hours...it can be too much sometimes. The moment I get a little angry or upset over the amount of stress I'm under, I'm made to feel guilty because I'm the patient one. I can't win. I just find some ways of dealing with the stress; long hot baths, knitting, yoga, walking, video games, reading.

I hope that you feel better soon. Take care of yourself.
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