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Old 12-16-2007, 01:17 AM   #1
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What to do when a friend constantly copies you
I know that when someone copies you alot its suppossed to be the best form of flattery but how do you tell them without hurting their feelings that it is F$%*#@ annoying..pardon the french but it has been going on for a long time and for the most part I try to ignore it..but since I spend alot of time with this person it is unavoidable
and all those bad feelings I am feeling like right now. I mean I just want said person to get their own frickin identity, ya know be themselves.. HELP ANY ADVICE
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Old 12-16-2007, 02:53 AM   #2
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I'm not sure how old you are, but it's not uncommon among young people. One of my daughters especially used to complain about this girl who would often buy the same dress/blouse/shoes/CD, etc.

If this girl is truly your friend I suggest you talk to her calmly and explain how it makes you feel. Let her know that while it's flattering you would like to have your own identity and that you are uncomfortable with all the copying. See how that goes and if things don't change you may have make a decision to either live with it or distance yourself.

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Old 12-16-2007, 04:50 AM   #3
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I am 23 years old.. So one would think that would be old enough to have your own identity right?! See I never really copied people I always just bought what I liked regardless of what people thought ya know. Even though I used to be shy I still knew what I liked and had my own preferences and whatnot. See said person is in denial because if I confront her she changes it around to make it look like it was a coincidence or acts innocent and sad to make me feel like Im being a brat when I am truly not like when we were younger she supposedly just didnt like the shades of the other compacts blue and purple because I picked pink and she grabbed it so I opted for the purple..then not too long ago on a trip I pick out a pink hoodie (I love hoodies and its becoming a hobby of mine to collect them when we travel )and anyways she picks the same one up pretending not to notice I picked it up "oh how cute"she says as if its the first time she sees it ( which is bull but anyway) then when I get the least huffy she says something like this "Oh I didnt know you wanted it if your gonna get it I'll put mine back then scowls at the shelves hinting well I really wanted one but I dont like anything else so I guess I wont get any, WHAT A GUILT TRIP not even the blue one which is exactly the same, then I feel bad and get the blue ..whats wrong with that you ask..I dont want to be a freakin bopsy twin when we are both adults!! I mean its not a friendship sweater for pete's sake I guess what I am trying to say is I am sick of picking my next best choice because I grew a mini-me over the course of our friendship There is many more situations but I shall leave it at that for now...
Please help I love my friend but she gets under my skin with that whole bit
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Old 12-16-2007, 06:07 AM   #4
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Hi KnitPixie,

I have to say I think your friend is being a bit passive-aggressive and using that to try to manipulate you. I mean, in the example you gave, that guilt trip as you said and making you feel bad -- she succeeded in getting you to do just what she wanted, and since her strategy worked she'll probably use it again and again.

You can try talking to her as Jan suggested (communication is always a good thing!), but I also think that if you stop paying attention to her little pouting routine, just pretend that everything is fine, keep smiling and talking to her as if nothing had happened, then after awhile she should get the message that you're not going to be manipulated anymore!

It could be that a sincere discussion and the realization that you're not going to play this little game anymore will help your friend wake up and maybe grow up a little bit. If you do your best to make it clear to her how you feel and she keeps behaving this way, I would really start to wonder how good a friend she is and if you really need to be around her.

I hope you and your friend can work things out -- but please don't let her continue to manipulate you!

Good luck!
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Old 12-16-2007, 09:28 AM   #5
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Whew, I'm not sure this is just a young person's problem. When I was growing up, we had a family that copied our family, even to the extent of selling their house and moving to the same street where we had just built a new house. Unreal. I think the source of the copying was the mother, and I remember it being the topic of numerous heated discussions. I wish I had a solution. It is a very vexing problem. In our case, finding ways to distance ourselves seemed to be the only thing that really worked.

Editing to add one more note about the copying family: Their children have grown up to create families that are obviously dysfunctional, so this copying behavior is definitely not flattery, but a symptom of a very real problem.
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Old 12-16-2007, 10:03 AM   #6
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Ok, because this is an adult and not a child or teen or my advice would be totally different I have an idea. In this case, my advice is to turn the tables on her a bit. First off, go shopping with her and pick something absolutely positively ghastly that you hate. Let her pick the same thing, then return it buy something you like and when she wears the thing you hated thinking you will be in the same thing or whatever just tell her up front you did it to see what she would do and now you see that she is purposely just buying what you buy and that it is not just an accident or whatever her excuse is. Tell her you appreciate the fact she thinks you have good taste and all, but that it has become embarrassing having the twin act all the time. She isn't a child/teen but an adult and if she is that clueless and keeps it up, I may distance myself from her. If you have exhausted all means of communication with regards to this, then as one of the others said, she enjoys manipulating you and that is no friend.

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Old 12-16-2007, 11:00 AM   #7
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Hmmm...

The first thing I see is that your friend obviously admires you. You seem to be a person who marches to the beat of your own drummer. This is a trait that most people admire...especially if they don't have the courage to be "different." Are there other things in your life that she looks to you for as well? Your faith? Your funny personality? Do you have an easy time making friends? Does she have other friends besides you?

There's got to be some underlying reason why she's holding onto you so tightly. It sounds like y'all have been friends for quite a while. Perhaps you're even roommates?

Have you tried creating some distance between you? Perhaps encouraging her to develop another hobby...that you're not involved with?

I don't know...this is so tough. I don't believe in brushing people off...which you don't seem to believe in either, or else you would have been out of this friendship a long time ago. But, you are not responsible for her emotional well-being...to the extent that it affects you so much. It's a fine line to walk.

It sounds like she isn't going to change anytime soon. You need to make a decision. What is the friendship worth? Are her annoying habits so distracting from the friendship that lies underneath that you need to end it...at least temporarily.

If you've been friends for a long time, one would think that you could sit down and talk to her. Now, she may not choose to "hear" you, but you need to be honest with her. You could decide to give yourself some space from her. The nice thing would be to sit her down and explain why, rather than giving her the cold shoulder without an explanation. She might not understand at that moment, but she may come to understand it later. That's up to her and whether she's mature enough to grow. Again, that's not up to you.

Another option would be to avoid the situations in which she copies you. Go shopping by yourself or with a different friend. However, I realize that this probably won't totally solve the problem, because she could decide to buy what you came back with.

No easy answers. You're probably finding yourself withdrawing from her gradually...not sharing information with her in fear that she'll jump on the bandwagon too. If that's happening, the communication will wither down to the point where you're not really sharing who you are (because sharing our interests and latest buys are the things that make up our life). Then can you really call it a friendship?



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Old 12-16-2007, 11:02 AM   #8
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I think your idea is really good, nonny2t! Hopefully that would make her realize she has no idea what she likes and who she is. At 23 years old... I would agree it's a sign that something is wrong.

Maybe it could be a good idea too to reasurre her as well. Tell her would still like her if her tastes were different, if you didn't like the same movies/clothes/music/etc. I think sometimes people do that to make sure they are accepted.
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Old 12-16-2007, 11:05 AM   #9
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I had a friend years ago who would do that. Her "favorite color" changed to whatever it was that I was getting. We would go to the mall and find a great deal on something. She would wait for me to select whatever it was and then she would pick the same one. I finally told her that she could get it, but I was tired of looking like I was carrying around a "My Twin Doll" everywhere I went. She would always say, "Oh this is my FAVORITE color!" That's interesting. Just yesterday your favorite color was purple and today it is blue!

If you like here otherwise I would say something. I'd just tell her how frustrating it is that she always seems to be copying you and that you feel she would be happier discovering what she really likes rather than copying what you like. And I'd never let her guilt me into buying something less than what I wanted origionally.
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Old 12-16-2007, 12:22 PM   #10
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Okay, now that I know she is not 15 I can see where this is getting really old! However, it seems to me that she's very insecure in her own choices and for various reasons she has attached herself to you. She may feel you're prettier/smarter/more popular or whatever and in some way feels that by being like you will bring her the same thing. We know this doesn't make sense, but psych issues often don't.

You could try what Nonny2 suggested to make her see what is going on, but based on what you said I think she knows. She just can't help herself. You might try the shopping thing and help her to find her own best look, the colors that look best on her. Maybe you could both take one of those classes that help people find the colors/style they look best in. Of course if she has the same coloring/body type as you this may not work. I don't think there are any easy answers. You have to decided how much effort you want to put into this relationship.
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