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Old 01-14-2008, 01:37 AM   #1
Chikky
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Hurt and angry - Apology page 3; Pray for me, please, also.
I know no one here really knows me. And it's ok if you don't care. I just have to vent.

A dear 'friend' and I had an argument tonight, spawned over something so stupid... I had no idea the topic was so touchy to him. And it was over IM, so we all know how that goes. And I never seem to say things or explain things right. I look like the bad guy. I look like the unwantable person.

And worse, when I said how upset and crying I was, he never said he was sorry.

I hate that I ruin my chances with him so much. I seem to do everything wrong. I wasn't like this before. He liked so many things about me that I think he thinks the opposite of me now.

And at times like these I really hate what my life has become. Endless medical bills, no money, medical tests, feeling crappy and awful every day. Talks that revolve around my health every day, ruining plans, being constantly tired... I really can't take it anymore. I want to be like other people. The people I work with who I hear talking about their lives, as I sit there miserable. They talk about shopping and their SO and their lives.

I am so sorry for being me sometimes.
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"It's a rare man who is taken for what he truly is," he said. "There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so must I be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem, and hardly ever what we dream."
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Old 01-14-2008, 01:42 AM   #2
Jan in CA
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I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm not sure who is at fault here, but maybe you can say you're sorry that things ended so badly and that you'd like to talk again. If he's important to you let him know and explain why you're upset.

I also don't know what your health problems are, but maybe there is a support group for you?
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Old 01-14-2008, 01:48 AM   #3
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I dont know who's at fault. I'll say me for bringing it up and... well, I like to 'debate' so I didnt know how annoyed he really was. To me it didnt matter.

Plus it's really late for him and he absolutely needs sleep because he'll never catch up during the week. He's so busy.

I dont know that bringing it up would be better or worse. I seem to come out the bad guy when it comes to alot of things, but this especially. I want to be 'the one', not the 'mistake'. I think I am.

And I'd like to know what my medical problem is too. Year and a half of testing and no go on diagnosis or treatment.
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"It's a rare man who is taken for what he truly is," he said. "There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so must I be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem, and hardly ever what we dream."
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Old 01-14-2008, 01:55 AM   #4
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Other than saying you're sorry I'm not sure what to suggest. I hope they can find what your health issues are so you can feel better, too.
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Old 01-14-2008, 04:21 AM   #5
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I'll give you a virtual first of all! I'm not sure that this guy thinks the opposite about you or doesn't like you anymore. My dh and I are crazy about each other, but sometimes we both are very tired and nervous and we can fight. Being with someone is not liking every little bit, but also acknowledge the less appealing sides of that person. Maybe if you're not good in expressing yourself, you could just sit down and try to write to yourself what would you like to say to that person, make a list. And then talk to him about it, while explaining what you did and reading from that list. If he's important to you, you should tell him that, maybe he feels you don't care enough.
I hope the doctors will find what's wrong with your health. Did you try to look on the internet for information on symptoms. I've had some problems for the last 3 years of constant fatigue
and tiredness and also some gyno problems and eventually i decided to get off the pill and the marvel - i feel so much better in those past 2 months. So maybe you should check your lifestyle. And the most important thing - don't feel so down. Life is wonderful to those who think it's wonderful. Try to wake up in the morning and tell yourself that life is great and think of all the good things you have. Smile more . I hope i cheered you up a bit. If you want, you can PM me. Sending you big from the frozen Holyland.
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Old 01-14-2008, 05:32 AM   #6
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I don't know if you have explained the anxiety of your health problems to your friend, but it might be worth while doing so. I know that when I am constantly worried and physically low it puts a big strain on my relationships with the people I love.

Also, you don't know if he is thinking all this negative stuff about you, it's just your interpretation of how is feeling. I've been married a long while and I know that I still misinterpret what my husband has said or how he feels about things, it's just so easy to do.

Big hugs to you...I hope you get answers about your physical problems soon.
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Old 01-14-2008, 09:39 AM   #7
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Old 01-14-2008, 09:41 AM   #8
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I have always had the opinion that no matter what is going on with me, someone is always in a worse place and can use my sympathy and help. I am always thankful when things go wrong (after a little bit of poor me time) because it makes me stop and realize I am not the most important thing in life.

As I have posted, I had emergency surgery in Oct, have to go through this awful test in February, surgery again in April, we had to put our cat to sleep on Friday, but with all of that, I can be thankful. My husband and I went through a time of great financial difficulty and it very tough to go on, but we did.

God has allowed me two beautiful children, their spouses, my grandchildren all happy and healthy. I have a wonderful husband of 35 years who has nursed me back to health having to do some truly horrid things but tells me at least a dozen times a day he loves me.

I am not unsympathetic to your plight. It is tough to go through bad spots, but from experience, the best thing you can do is to see how the other half lives so to speak. There are always others, even close to you, who are suffering way more than you. They can always use your help and prayers. When you reach out to someone else you allay your own problems.

My sister once said to me, when you take your problems to the cross, don't go back and pick them up again. Wise words indeed. I let God handle it as I know he will always do what is best for me.
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Old 01-14-2008, 11:48 AM   #9
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Thank you, all of you. I'm so glad I can come someplace so caring and feel a bit more uplifted.

I know there are people worse off than I... In my family, especially. My great uncle is dying, and a cousin, and my one grandmother is not well at all. I feel guilty sometimes for getting down on my own problems.

As for him, he knows everything about me, health-wise. He tells me not to worry, he'll worry for me. Maybe he was tired. In a bad mood. Maybe I just hit a sore spot. His own nephew has cancer and (though this is not what we were talking about) somehow came into play with this particular conversation. Money's a sore subject with him, I guess.

Thanks again, everyone.
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"It's a rare man who is taken for what he truly is," he said. "There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so must I be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem, and hardly ever what we dream."
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Old 01-14-2008, 11:56 AM   #10
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*hugs* I hope things turn around for you. I think it's probably safest to say maybe you were both, to an extent, at fault. I know that doesn't make everything better, but, I've had enough arguments in life to realize, more times than not, both parties are to blame, at least to a certain point.

I'm sorry to hear about the medical issues. You haven't mentioned many symptoms, however, the constant fatigue sounds a lot like a problem a friend of mine has...CFS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It interferes with a person's life far beyond just being tired, and, I don't think there's really a definitive way to diagnose it. You may want to at least Google it and see your symptoms match that of CFS sufferers. Also, here's a link to a site with more info:

http://www.cdc.gov/cfs/
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