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Old 02-10-2008, 02:35 PM   #1
princess
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feeling down
So im really frusterated and hurt by what happened last night. First some details, my boyfriend is chinese, and grew up here in michigan. His mom is doesnt love the fact that he is dating a white girl, but she is adjusting to the idea. His dad however, hates me, he thinks that white girls are doomed for divorce, are promiscuous, and are cheaters. Well last night i went over to his house for dinner, and after we went upstairs his dad was sitting at the computer, and i said "did you make dinner?" (i was going to tell him it was very good and thank him.) well, he shakes his head no, said something to my boyfriend in their language, and then turned back to the computer. My bf asked something i think, and his dad igored it so we left the room. I am so hurt by this reaction, i have never been ignore or not acknowleged simply because of my skin color. I never imagined how bad it would sting, i have had people not like me or be rude to me etc. but it was always because of something i did, or i deserved it. But for someone to not even let me compliment them because of what i look like? I cried the whole way home that night (45 minute drive) and i feel horrible, and i feel bad talking about it with my bf, cause then it puts him in the middle of everything which he gets enough from his parents, so i dont want to burden him more. I just needed to talk, and thanks everyone, the forum is great for this. Hopefully i will feel better about things, and maybe brush it off my shoulders.

oh yeah, and my bf and i have been together for almost a year and a half, so this isnt new news to his parents.


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Old 02-10-2008, 02:40 PM   #2
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I'm sorry
Amanda, I'm sorry you had that happen to you. I can't offer any advice but I'd not be in a hurry to go back there. I'd keep enjoying my boyfriends company away from his parents if thats possible.
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Old 02-10-2008, 02:42 PM   #3
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I'm sorry you have gone through this. How horrible of his dad!!
I know that there are still cultures that still think everyone should be with their own, race, religion etc...
The fact is, if they are happy, let them be!!
You didn't say how long you have been together, but, if you two are in a serious relationship, he needs to get some kahonies and tell his dad that, he needs to respect in him by being respectful to you. If his dad loves him, he will do this or risk losing a good relationship with him and you!! It will be hard for your BF, but, it will be better in the long run.
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Old 02-10-2008, 02:50 PM   #4
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Bigotry can be found anywhere. I wouldn't suggest that you try to create any rift between he and his parents as that's a no win situation.

If you really want to be together the two of you need to discuss the situation openly and honestly without any ultimatums. You may just have to accept the fact that the parents aren't going to accept you, at least not until enough time has passed to show them their ideas are not correct.

They come from a culture that is deeply rooted in family and traditions which go back for thousands of years. That can be a hard thing to overcome. In time they may come to accept you but you have to be prepared for the possibility that they may never do so and weigh that against how important your relationship with him is to you.

The best way to deal with it, IMHO, is to continue to be yourself, be polite and pleasant in their home, and remind yourself that it really isn't you personally they have a problem with.
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Old 02-10-2008, 03:15 PM   #5
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im sorry you had to go through this......i really am.
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Old 02-10-2008, 03:18 PM   #6
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K, I feel bad for you and your bf. Those kinds of attitudes towards a particular race is well, racism, (white people do not have a monopoly of bigotry). That is wrong, wrong, wrong for any group to exclude another group, but, let's examine this just a wee bit and see maybe where this stupidity is coming from.

The media, particularly TV shows, bombard us with these images of white promiscuous women ALL THE TIME!!! OMG!!, Sex in the City, Gilmore Girls, Desperate Housewives, oodles of "reality" (yeah right!!) shows. All of them showing white women (us) as stupid, vapid, money hungry, trashy, slutty, shallow, bitches. With the world being bombarded by this trash, how is it not that they think of us that way. Magazines are no different, Vogue, Cosmo, etc. They all add into the stereotype. Reinforcing the notion that white AMERICAN women are all like that. And the really sad thing is, is that a majority of young american women are buying into this scheit (not really a nice way of putting it is there?)!! That is really really sad!!!

That just makes me mad that we are portrayed that way. And unfortunately, you have felt the brunt of that. It's not right in any sense of the word, but then again, it's what has been portrayed and unfortunately people do believe what they see.
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Old 02-10-2008, 03:19 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Knitting_Guy View Post
Bigotry can be found anywhere. I wouldn't suggest that you try to create any rift between he and his parents as that's a no win situation.

If you really want to be together the two of you need to discuss the situation openly and honestly without any ultimatums. You may just have to accept the fact that the parents aren't going to accept you, at least not until enough time has passed to show them their ideas are not correct.

They come from a culture that is deeply rooted in family and traditions which go back for thousands of years. That can be a hard thing to overcome. In time they may come to accept you but you have to be prepared for the possibility that they may never do so and weigh that against how important your relationship with him is to you.

The best way to deal with it, IMHO, is to continue to be yourself, be polite and pleasant in their home, and remind yourself that it really isn't you personally they have a problem with.

I take back my reply, your right of course. I tend to jump before thinking about it
There really isn't anything to do about it except to deal for now. Be polite and let it roll off your back. A lot of time, it bothers someone more about the way they are doing ,by having the recipient continue to be kind and not let it bother them. He will come around I'm sure.
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Old 02-10-2008, 03:26 PM   #8
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Well, people will be people... it's really hard to let it roll off your back though, I know that for sure. Especially when you're young. My mother in law wow, when I was young she used to ignore everything I said at the dinner table. It was a m a z i n g. She wanted my husband to have a better/richer/more educated girl. That went on for years and years, her not wanting to hear me talk. We stayed together though, and she finally came around a bit. It's just difficult. Maybe a little humor will help you when you're around him.
Humor is the best thing we have for just about everything!
Good luck.
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Old 02-10-2008, 03:34 PM   #9
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I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
I don't know what to say for the best. The last thing you want to do is cause a problem between him and his parents but at the same time you have been together for a long time and this is how they are treating you.
If it was me I would probably suggest to my boyfriend that he have a chat with his parents and just point out that we've been together for over a year and we are happy together and that this behaviour from them isn't going to change the fact that we are together. Alternatively you may decide to just try to ignore it for the time being, just be polite and civil and perhaps they will realise after a while that their prejudice is unfounded. When a friend of mine had a similar problem she decided that it was easier to just accept that this was the situation and spend more time with her boyfriend at her house rather than antagonise his nan.
I do think its important to tell your boyfriend how you feel because communication is really important in a relationship. At the end of the day whether he decides to intervene with his parents behaviour towards you is up to him. Just make sure that when you do talk to him you are calm because it is a sensitive issue for both of you and the best way to discuss it would be in a calm manner, if you are calm then he will be more likely to be calm. Talk it through together and decide together what you want to do about it, if anything.

I really hope you work everything out xxx
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Old 02-10-2008, 03:34 PM   #10
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whats even more unfortunate is even though his dad has lived in this country for twenty years, he still acts like he doesnt understand english. I just dont know how i can put up with being treated that way, i feel so stuck. I love my boyfriend dearly and we have even talked about getting engaged in the next couple of years( i know, its early to talk about that sort of thing, but with the family situation, we have to talk about every aspect and keep communication thorough so we both know what the other expects/thinks is going on) I just dont know, i go through phases, at times i want my bf to just stand up to his parents(its not just me that they are strict about, he is twenty and has to be home by curfew, and they wont let him move out of the house, basically they control him using money) but at other times i want to do things the right way and prove them wrong and let time work its wonders, its just so confusing. I love him so much and i dont want to let somebody else ruin our hapiness, we are so right for eachother, and we want to be together. i think im probably just going to have to deal with it, and not go to his house as suggested
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