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Old 03-13-2008, 03:53 PM   #1
letah75
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I have to remember that I love my mother....
Ok, I REALLY DO LOVE MY MOTHER.....but she is driving me CRAZY!!!!!

I have a mantra that is going through my head right now.

"I LOVE MY MOTHER, YES I DO, I LOVE MY MOTHER HOW 'BOUT YOU?"

I'm getting married (May 31st), I live 3 hours from where we're getting married. So my mom (who lives in Oakland) is having to take care of some details. Filling out paperwork etc. for the hall.

She is lagging, saying "I'll try" when I ask her to do something. She picked up the paperwork for the hall 3 weeks ago. She lives right across the street from the hall (ACROSS THE STREET), it's a two lane non-busy street! She hasn't filled out the paperwork (it's first come first serve), she hasn't asked what time we can get in to set up, which is going to effect the reception time. I can't print the invitations until I know the reception time.

She is "planning" a bridal shower, which is wonderful....however, my cousin is the brides maid. I told mom to call cousin, since she is very organized and wanted to plan the shower. Mom hasn't called her, doesn't have a time, has a semi list. Has been "planning" for two weeks, but that planning is a date only. Has told people she will call them, but hasn't. My cousin is pissed, calling me and saying, "So, I heard you're having a bridal shower. My mom told me." I'm getting stuck in the middle.

When I ask her, if stuff is done (I give her one task at a time because she's not doing the stuff she says she will), she gets upset and says I'm criticizing her. I can't handle this. I'm not a high strung person. I don't need the perfect wedding. Frankly if the flower girl pukes from stage fright I could care less.

We're having family (both sides) do food, it's really a low key thing (although over 200 people, just family and close friends will be there), but nothing too formal, etc.

I just can't stand that she'll promise to get something done, that I could have my aunt or FH's mom do something and have it done, but my mom promises. THEN when I ask her about it 3 weeks later she gets upset and says "I'll try".

She's retired, and teaches at the adult school one day a week for two hours. The rest of the time she plays video games online. Thats it. She's not super busy, she doesn't have a lot of other things to do, she's just lazy.

I can't handle this. It's driving me NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to cry out of frustration, and I'm not that kind of person. I think my basic issue is she's promising to do these things, then not, then the time crunch comes, and I have to try to organize 50 things from 3 hours away, and they are things you really have to be present to take care of.

I don't want this to be an anxiety filled experience. I want this to be very laid back, fun thing. Everything else planning wise is. It's just her.

I do love my mother so, she is a wonderful women, but she is so freakin' lazy, and not following through on her promises, I can't handle this. I'm going to loose it on her, and I don't want to.
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Old 03-13-2008, 04:04 PM   #2
saracidaltendencies
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Why not try talking to another relative if you have one in that area, or, take care of what you can on your own? Or, politely tell your mom you're going to ask someone else and see if she finally gets on the ball. Though you know otherwise, maybe explain that you know she's busy and you understand if she doesn't have the time to do it but you need to have your plans made in time for the wedding and there a lot of other things waiting on those plans. Hope things work out for you, I know how frustrating it can be when someone promises to do something but they don't.
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Old 03-13-2008, 04:11 PM   #3
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Wow. Timing is essential in planning a wedding.

You didn't ask for advice, but if I may and you may just ignore this if you choose, no hard feelings on my part, ... I would write down everything that she is supposed to be doing and the dates they need to be done by so you'll have the info in front of you. Then I'd call her and tell her the situation calmly (again) and explain why these things have to be done by a certain time. Like if you don't reserve the hall by a certain time someone else may snap it up and you can't get the invitations printed in time to send them out. Personally I would give the shower duties to your cousin and just tell your mother. The bridesmaids or maid of honors are supposed to do that traditionally anyway and you can explain that you didn't want to hurt your cousins feelings. Go through your list and then give her a date that is before anything HAS to be done for real and tell her if she can't get it done by then you will delegate to someone else. She may just be overwhelmed and need to have other people working on it whether she'll admit it or not.

Anyhooo...
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Old 03-13-2008, 04:15 PM   #4
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First of all, a big ! And Mazal Tov (congratulations) again.
About your mother - obviously you can't change her, so take a day off, drive there and get everything done. Tell her your cousin will handle the shower and talk to your cousin. Don't worry about your mother being upset - it's your wedding and you don't want to be stuck without a hall. And believe me - if she's that lazy, she'll act upset for two days and then forget about it and be relieved that the whole thing was taken care of. When DH and I planned our wedding we worked by the principle of "If you want it done - do it yourself". The only thing that our parents did was that each mother found the bus to drive part of the guests to the place (we had an outdoor garden wedding), because it was out of town.
And again - huge and i hope you'll enjoy all the preparations!
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Old 03-13-2008, 04:58 PM   #5
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Thanks!

I think venting is what I need.

Jan and everyone, advice is great. Since I've never been married before, and haven't had to do all of this any advice is appreciated!

I finally had to do the photographer, flowers, myself. Mom came through on the cake. The church was a breeze because it's my dad's church. The hall I think I'm going to have to have them fax me the paperwork, and then have my dad follow up. I just called and had them fax me the paperwork (not until Monday, 'cause their busy). So hopefully she'll fax it early and I can fill it out and get back to her.

Lately my mom is falling into the child of an alcoholic thing, everything is her fault, she can't do anything right, etc. I am very definitely my father's child and that attitude is driving me crazy.

What I've been doing is giving her tasks, giving her a week, then doing them myself, and just letting her know when they are done. That seems to work well. She shrugs it off if she thinks I am doing it. But if she thinks someone else is doing it, she flips.

Seriously, everything is done except the hall and the invitations.....oh, hotel reservations, my bra, petticoat and alterations.....oh, and FH has to get his suit, but that's going to take but a min.

Other than that everything is done.....I've gotten everything planned and organized in about 6 weeks.

I think my frustration is just that I love my mom to death and just want her out of her "whatever" funk.
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Old 03-13-2008, 05:59 PM   #6
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Ok, update....apparently, my calling the hall prompted mom to get her butt in gear. She filled out the paperwork and got it in! So I have the hall reserved!!!!! Although she did e-mail me and say "reservation in she said something about a separate form for a key which she did not give me but I can check on that next week or so. She couldn't understand why you were in such a panic to get the form in, "It's on the calender, so there is no rush. The wedding isn't until May"

As for the bridal shower, I called my cousin and asked her to call my mom. Luckily, she was raise by my aunt who is my mom only 2 years older and so my cousin understands my love-stration (love and frustration mixed together) of my mother.

She is going to work with mom so she thinks she is in charge, but things will get done.

Thank you all for your advice. I think in my frustrated state I couldn't think, and the things you guys put down helped me get out of the funk. Thanks again!
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Old 03-13-2008, 06:41 PM   #7
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Old 03-13-2008, 07:07 PM   #8
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Congrats on the upcoming wedding!

I'm glad things are working out for you. Sometimes we just have to understand that they just can't (or won't) do the things they promise and make other arrangements. Sounds like you are doing just that.

And do love your mother, someday she'll be gone...
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Old 03-13-2008, 10:37 PM   #9
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Hang in there. I remember the Wedding Planning Hell all too well. It is SO incredibly stressful and until you are on the other side of it, you can't realize how much it is wearing on you.

That's great that you finally have your hall confirmed. I don't quite understand why you have to help plan your own shower, though, and hopefully your cousin can take over that successfully.

Just remember to breathe, and do whatever you can to get some fun time for you and your man - you need it!
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Old 03-16-2008, 09:20 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by lelvsdgs View Post
Congrats on the upcoming wedding!

I'm glad things are working out for you. Sometimes we just have to understand that they just can't (or won't) do the things they promise and make other arrangements. Sounds like you are doing just that.

And do love your mother, someday she'll be gone...
Sometimes way too soon!
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