Opinions..

GinnyG · 03-19-2008, 08:40 AM

My "significant other" and I have lived together for 8 years. We are both divorced with kids. Our children are all adults and over the years both mine have gotten married.

He attended both weddings as my "partner" and there were no issues or problems with my ex. We have been divorced a long time.

His oldest son is getting married this June and I just found out that I am not invited to the wedding. His son doesn't want to make his Mother uncomfortable. Now, I have never met his Mother and don't know why I would make her uncomfortable (my SO and I got together YEARS after they were divorced) but it's his wedding and I think he has the right to invite who ever he wants.

My problem is, my SO now wants to boycott his own son's wedding. He said if I'm not invited he won't go. I think that is a mistake and while I am flattered by his loyalty I would not go now even if I were to be invited at this point.

I think he should just go to the wedding. Someday he may regret not going. My feelings are a little hurt at not being invited but he isn't MY son and it really is no big deal to me not to go.

Would you push him to go?

Knitting_Guy · 03-19-2008, 01:45 PM

Personally I understand how he feels, but it is his son and he should go.

I'm sure his son has his reasons, legitimate or not, for his decision.

Perhaps he should have a talk with his ex and ask her to talk to the son about this if she's willing. Perhaps that would put the son's mind at ease and allow everyone to be present for the nuptials.

GinnyG · 03-19-2008, 01:49 PM

Thanks Mason.
Unfortunately he and his ex don't "talk" and although I don't know her I've heard alot about her over the years and have no doubt that she doesn't want me there.
Having been "mother of the groom" I know what an improtant day it is and if my being there makes her uncomfortable for what ever reason I don't want to be there.
I'm just so afraid my SO will deeply regret not going at some point.

iza · 03-19-2008, 02:21 PM

Ginny, you are so good to deal with this the way you do!

Should you push him to go to the wedding? I think you're doing the right thing in convincing him to go. But ultimately, it's his decision. I guess he needs to talk about it with his son, and say how disappointed he is. And try to understand his motivations. Is it really to not make his mom uncomfortable? Did she even ask for this? Or is it because he has problems with the fact that his parents are divorced?

In any case, if it's at the mom's request, if your SO doesn't go and his son ends up being disappointed, it's very possible she will accuse YOU of ruining her son's wedding.

Your SO just won't win anything by not going, in my opinion.

mwhite · 03-19-2008, 02:43 PM

Yes, he should go and WILL regret even if he nevers admits it. You are very, very understanding and your SO is extremely fortunate to have you in his life! Kudos and great big, bright, shiney stars to you Ginny!

My husband had a beef with our daughter (his adopted daughter) when she was around 17 (who doesn't with kids that age?) and didn't attend her high school graduation. He does regret and there's no way for him to go back and change that. Please continue urging him gently how important it is to support his son. We have no earthly idea what an impact our absence makes until it's too late. His son might not take it the wrong way now but marriage is a major event in our lives and going will let him know that Dad is there for him. Yes, he's loyal to you but you've already come to terms and accepted.

Abbily · 03-19-2008, 03:00 PM

Ginny, I think you are right on the money, and he should definitely go. As you said, that's something he can't "undo" if he refuses to go.

sue in canada · 03-19-2008, 03:16 PM

I too think he should go to the actual wedding ceremony, but maybe skip any reception. He will then always have the wedding to remember and I think his son would probably understand that decision.

msoebel · 03-19-2008, 04:10 PM

I think you are a very smart woman. If he chooses not to go to the wedding now, on principle, he will regret it later. And who is to say that he won't harbor resentment against you later on?

Encourage him to go, realize that the non-invite wasn't actually about you (loyalties are so confusing when it comes to weddings), send a card or small gift and continue going about your life as the extremely well-adjusted individual that you are.

GinnyG · 03-19-2008, 05:42 PM

Thank you everyone for your support. I think I will just continue to gently encourage him to go. Maybe he will go to the ceremony and skip the reception. Someday he and his son will resolve their differences and if he doesn't go it will always be a "regret".

In the mean time I'll just plan something fun to do that day (go to my LYS and BUY YARN

) and just let it go!

lelvsdgs · 03-19-2008, 08:12 PM

Yep, the SO should definitely go. He will regret it later and it could do damage to the father-son relationship, and you don't want that. It's sad that this even has to be an issue but I think you would be doing the right thing by getting your SO to go. You can always send a nice gift along and of course your best wishes.

And I vote for the trip to the LYS!!!! Much more fun anyway!