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Old 03-24-2008, 04:19 AM   #11
DianaM
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Originally Posted by Chikky View Post
Well, I can say a bit of this is my fault. I'm 28 years old and was asked on a date only one other time in my life, at 19. I didn't have a first kiss until I was 24 (yeah, it was him). Guys just... weren't interested in me, heh. *shrugs*
I feel like I posted under someone else's name haha.
Growing up guys just weren't interested in me either. Then again, books, school and theatre where more interesting to me than guys.
I didn't get my first kiss until I was 25 (regret that one) and on my first date at 26. I ended up dating the guy I went out with, and two years later, marrying him.

We were friends for 3 years, 'sweeties' for 2 and have been married for 2 months.

There were many times when, similar to you, I felt like the relationship wasn't going anywhere. Things just.....developed.
I moved to SD to pursue a Nursing major, and he was stationed here. Then he received transfer orders and decided that he didn't want to leave w/o me, so we got married.

I'd say, let things happen naturally. I agree with what some have said, that maybe he's feeling a little uneasy entering a relationship when his previous ones haven't worked out too well. Give time some time
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Old 03-24-2008, 08:17 AM   #12
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Okay, I don't want to hurt your feelings at all, but I want to be very honest in my opinion (which of course, you don't have to take).
If the relationship has not evolved by now, it may never evolve at all. It sounds like the only thing holding you guys back is him and he has clearly had the opportunity to develop a relationship with you by now. I find that men are not too complex. Women just complicate things by overanalyzing (I do it too!) and making situations more complicated than they are. If he wanted a relationship, you would be in one. He has had some difficult breakups in the past, but so have most people and generally they don't stop anyone from loving again, especially after so long and with such a sweet girl around.
I think the best thing to do, and it won't be easy, is to emotionally disconnect yourself from him. It doesn't mean you have to stop talking to him (although that would help), but I think if you accept that it may never happen you will be a lot happier. It will be difficult to accept this, but it will make your life a lot happier. You won't be wondering if he wants more or will he do this or that. This will also allow you to maybe be interested in other people. You say that no one has been interested in you, well this could be because you're so emotionally invested in this man and it's clear to those around you too.
Also, if you distance yourself from him and try to get used to life without him you may meet new people and your man might realise how much he appreciates you.
I don't want to come across as rude and you definitely don't have to listen to my advice, but I just wanted to give you that angle to the situation. I hope everything gets sorted out soon, there's nothing worse than being caught up in something like this for years and years. Get on with it!
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Old 03-24-2008, 10:05 AM   #13
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First of all, I commend you for not having sex with him. Personally, I believe that this should wait until marriage. I think it's good that this hasn't happened since there's no commitment on his part. Please continue to save yourself for your husband, whoever that may be.

Now, that said, here's what I think. I don't think that there's anything you can do to push this along. It sounds like he knows how you feel. If you care about him so much, don't do anything to pressure him into making a decision.

Perhaps some distance from each other will allow you two to explore other options. Sometimes distance makes you realize just how much you care for a person. It puts perspective on a situation.

If you really love this man, don't give up totally. My brother-in-law loved my sister from the day he met her. He's my husband's brother, and he met her when my dh and I started dating. She was in high school. She married, had a child, and then divorced, and he loved her through it all. She knew how he felt but was commited to her marriage. When it fell apart (her ex cheated on her many times and was physically abusive), the feelings of friendship changed into a deep, romantic love. As she's fond of saying, "God zapped her with love for him."

Hang in there...love is a double-edged sword. It can bring much joy, but it's also the source of great sorrow at times.

And...please stay pure. That will be the best gift of love you can ever give your future husband.

P.S. I read a wonderful book. It's called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I suggest you read it. It puts a different spin on dating.
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Old 03-24-2008, 12:01 PM   #14
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How old is he? I know you've said you're 28. So are you both at an age where you would be thinking more long-term with relationships that you are in?

I think if he knows he would be "your first" that it puts pressure on him. A pressure he doesn't want. He obviously cares enough about you to not take that matter flippantly. He knows there's no going back after that happens. I think he sounds like a great guy. Don't put too much stock in sex as showing how much someone loves you. Most of the time it can be the exact opposite. "Love 'em and leave 'em" ring a bell?

Does he ever speak about other women with you?

Have you ever told him that you think of him as your boyfriend? If you haven't and you're getting a vibe from him that he thinks of you as a friend (with benefits) only, perhaps you should mention other guys that you like in your conversations with him and see how he reacts. It might take him a while to digest such information so don't expect a strong reaction one way or another at first.

You don't have to say you're going out with someone, just plant the seed that there may be a potential suitor that you met at the gym or at the supermarket or something. Tell him you were hit on by someone. If he gives you a reaction that he doesn't like that you would think of seeing someone you met so casually (or someone else at all for that matter), tell him you don't understand why he would react that way; that although you've thought you've made it plain that you want to be in a real relationship with him, as you see it he seems to have made it plain that he doesn't think of you in that way. See where the conversation goes. In essence, if he gets so upset about you seeing someone else it shows how he feels for you even if he doesn't know how to express it. It forces him to have to express it -one way or another. Then you'll have your answer. It may be sneaky, but it's a "womanly way".
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Old 03-24-2008, 01:18 PM   #15
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Another man's view,

FYI, virginity in a female is a positive pressure for a guy not a negative one. The only negative is for a guy with a conscience looking for a one night stand, but without a conscience it's even a huge plus for a one nighter.
It's been this way for thousands of years, further back than there are written words to document it. I'm surprised this isn't known by women.

Since you didn't say there were religious reasons,
My gut says he's gay and you're his cover. You can do a lot to him, there are certain things he won't do with or to you.
I checked with a gay friend before posting and that was also the first thing he said.
4 years of heavy petting never leading to the deed says something is up. 4 years, no deed and a refusal to say "GF" really says something is up.
Gay guys having straight women who are deemed undesirable by society as friends that also serve as a cover is very common.

Don't let the engagements fool you. They can be made up, they can be covers, they can be attempts to deny it to himself.
Marriage isn't even proof.
I went on a date with a girl who's parents got divorced because he was gay. I knew a gay guy who got divorced after having kids, he said he was always gay but didn't admit it to himself because of society.

The only way you can know for sure is if he admits it. Hobbies, mannerisms and friends are not good indicators. Only one thing separates gay from straight, then you throw in "experimentation" and bi and even throws that out the window.

If you know any-out-of-the-closet gays in real life I would ask them what they think. They usually have pretty good "gaydar".

But even if I'm right all is not lost. The valentines was a good sign. That says he's leaning towards a relationship. (It also says I'm leaning towards being wrong on my gut instinct.)
If you're willing to accept things as they are and have nothing better to do it could be worth it to wait.
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Old 03-24-2008, 04:02 PM   #16
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Mike - I was asking my hubby for his input at lunch and he said the same thing !! I asked him if he would have waited 4 yrs to try and sleep with me and he just stared at me....umm no
Knowing a little more of the story now and that you guys are physical, just not having sex I would say it's time to branch out and be a little less available to him. I'm not saying ditch him, just have other plans sometimes when he calls. I know it can be uncomfortable to meet new people and trust me I hated dating - the stress, the expectations etc. I say enroll in an evening class at a community college. Something you might not normally do - pottery, photography, basket weaving. Call an old friend or coworker and head out for lunch and a movie one weekend. I don't know your religious background, but can you get involved with a church and the adult forum classes and many even have singles events or knitting groups.
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Old 03-25-2008, 08:06 AM   #17
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Unfortunately, my advice comes from experience. I dated a man with commitment issues. I was sure once he was married things would change. After all, how much more committed can you be once you're married?! We finally got married, and the last 20 years of my life have NOT been easy. If I had it to do all over again (except for my 2 kids), I would have walked away and never looked back.

I know that probably wasn't what you wanted to hear, but I felt compelled to share my experience. I wouldn't want you or anyone else going through the same thing.
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Old 03-25-2008, 10:54 AM   #18
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I believe in letting relationships develop at their own pace. Dh and I were married just 10 months after starting dating (we were acquaintances for a year before that)...my friends dated for 6 years before they got married.
I will say that at this point, your relationship is probably where it will stay. You guys have known each other for a very long time, and have been romantic (sort of) for 4 years. He's found his comfort zone and you're in it.

If you are happy with the way things are, by all means, continue. There is nothing wrong with this relationship as it stands. IF YOU ARE BOTH HAPPY AND CONTENT WITH IT. If you are at this place because it's what he wants, then you need to think about it alot. Are you willing to sacrifice dreams of being married, of living together, of being someone's publicly recognized significan other to be with him? Good relationships are ones that progress in a way that makes BOTH people happy.

Don't settle because you think you can't do better. Don't settle just because he is a great guy. Great guys aren't always the right guy, ya know?
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Old 03-25-2008, 04:30 PM   #19
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From my experience with a commitment-phobic guy (and my guy may be different from yours), if it's been four years and he's not made any moves toward commitment (whether you've slept together or not), then he's not thinking that you're "The One." A great girl, nice to hang out with, attractive, etc., but not The One. If he's thinking of buying a house, but isn't talking about you in the house with him, that's not a good sign for a future with him. If he's not dating anyone else, that's a sign in your favor, but I doubt that without some serious wake-up call that anything is going to change. And sometimes that wake-up call comes when The One finally shows up.
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Old 03-26-2008, 01:28 PM   #20
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He may just be afraid to mess up what you guys have. if as you said he been through some really messy breakups and you have been the only constant in the past 13 years, he may just be REALLY afraid of losing YOU!! Sometimes the hardest thing is switching from friend mode to boyfriend/girlfriend mode and then if you breakup you grieve twice, because not only did you lose your boyfriend/girlfriend you just lost that friendship you had previously and many times its too hard to go back to that. You may be the one for him and he may know it but if he is scared of losing you, you are going to have to evaluate if you two break up can you still be friends? because sometimes the thought of losing the friend part of you is actually worse the losing the girlfriend part of you.
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