Stubborn Aging Parent *Current Update*

[mwhite]

Thanks a bunch, Colloquy! I will start reading these now and pass them onto my sisters.

[Wanda Witch]

I really don't know where to begin. I just read all the messages each had to say. Okay, here goes: I am almost 79-years young. My husband just turned 85. I have two very dear friends, the wife I met when I was about eight and she was about nine or ten. Her husband, a retired LAPD officer will be 87 on the 8th of this month. We are all in our right state of mind. Okay? So, if some days you don't want to shower, put your makeup on, cook a five-course meal, so what? For years all of us that are lucky enough to reach this age have the right. As far keeping up the house, who really cares! I have yet to meet anyone who really has ever wanted to eat off my floors even when I was able to keep them that clean. What a waste of my time back then. Yes, seniors get bored (the same as young people do also), we don't want the bright lights and all the social activities we used to be engaged in because it is now boring. We have done that and really don't want to anymore. Any more than we want to have children, be in the PTA or have our kids grow up and tell us we are not 'what we used to be.' Well, neither are they. Getting older can be a drag, it can be filled with certain medical conditions, and IF someone is, or has, Alzheimer's that is a different situation altogether. However, hoarding? Have any of you, in your 30's, 40's and beyond ever looked into your closets, dresser drawers, kitchen cabinets? When my husband was young, and yes he was, he used to save string. Well, guess what? He doesn't do that now. Should I be concerned? Of course not. So,, young'uns get over it. IF you are lucky enough to live to be in, say your 60's (oh, gosh OLD, like G.B. Bush is) or 70's (Heaven forbid, nursing home here you come - like Sophia Loren, Elizabeth Taylor, Dan Rather, Barbara Walters, etc.) and should you live to be like my eldest cousin, who just last summer, at the awful old age of 88 bought a new house and is living there by herself and she is now 89 years old. Give us a break, listen, for God's sake and please, don't try and tell someone just becuase they get a little rattled now and then they are over the hill. You won't like that whenever, if you are fortunate, to reach that point.

[mwhite]

Oh how I appreciate your post, Wanda. I'm going on 52, so not so young and I do have collections of unused items in several places. But...

My cats' litter box is cleaned daily and available, not stuck in the only bathtub and ignored for weeks. The dog is taken outside to do her business and not on newspapers on the bathroom floor.

When I go to the store to purchase something, I bring it home, take it out of the bag, throw the bag away and place whatever it is where it belongs. I actually use the item I've purchased not bought it for storage out on the sofa or diningroom table. Its purchase has a purpose. I do not have tons of nic nacs everywhere, collecting dust.

I bathe daily because I work with the public and don't want to offend them nor do I want to smell myself. I do not work in any form of food services. My clothes smell like they are washed regularly and do not smell like the dog.

When my children come to my house, they open the door, holler that they're here and are welcomed in to sit, paruse the refridgerator, play on the computer, use the bathroom...make themselves at home. And in the event that I haven't washed the dishes or haven't vacuumed, when they offer to help, I let them. I don't meet them at the door, pushing them out of the doorway or completely ignore them and act like I'm not home because I'm ashamed of how my house might smell or look.

All this is what we are dealing with from our mother and we know that something is wrong. If I were ashamed of this or gave a crap what anyone else thought, I'd have never posted this and instead would be denying the help she needs and just go on with my life and let her live in this situation without a second thought. I care and I want her elderly years to be free of problems. I want her to be able to walk tall and feel secure. I want her to know that I love her. I want her to have all the freedom and independence that any woman deserves after raising 4 children and working their entire life. I want her to be able to find her crochet thread so she can enjoy her talent or be able to plant flowers. I want her to let us help her instead of taking her last $5 from the Social Security check to buy some crackers and peanut butter for a meal.

I'm not trying to control her because I don't wish to be controlled myself. I sincerely hope that when and if my son and/or daughter detect some form of bizarre behavior with me as I age, that they will take charge and help me. I am not trying to be a smart aleck or deny your post. Mother's situation is dire and she needs our help.

[LilHuskiesFootBallMom]

Is there a local Senior Services or Office for the Aging? I'd call them and see what they say and whether or not they can help.

[mwhite]

With the help and encouragement and prayers from all of y'all's replies, my sisters and I have begun making preparations to move Mother into a mobile home on our property. It will more than likely take a few months to get everything set up. Mom is willing and cooperative, seems pretty excited about this and we are so glad. I have vowed to have yard sales, do some knitting for hire, whatever it takes to come up with the funds we'll need to make this happen.

In the meantime, I've begun a campaign/discussion on my blogspot (http://customaryevents.blogspot.com/) and invite you to make comment. Share your own stories, maybe some of our communication and solutions can help someone else deal with this problem and keep it from getting swept under the rug. Maybe the "exposure" will simply open someone's eyes and get them to spend more time with their own parent, uncle, grandparent or friend having the same problems. Or maybe it will just create a medium to share and vent. I don't know but I have hope!

and to all of you!

[MaryB]

Mary, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. It is a difficult decision for a family to make, but you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing.
My Mom died 3 years ago this week. I am grateful for the time I had with her. The last six months of her life were hard, but we shared so much----thoughts, memories, love. Things that we might otherwise not have taken the time to say we said. I treasure those days.
Hugs from another Mary

[Sewing Angel]

That is a huge step Mary! It sounds like you and your family have come up with a great plan. You are doing a wonderful thing for your Mom. I wish you well in getting everything in place.
Angel

[Jan in CA]

[iwouldratherbeknitting]

Don't forget... since, your mom will be 'downsizing' her possessions.. maybe you could consider having a garage sale of some of the items that she no longer wants/needs too??

Save that for her 'spending money'... ?? A feeling of some independence?

[stitchwitch]

Best of luck with everything.