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Old 07-10-2008, 01:36 AM   #11
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Thanks for the advice everyone! I know these are famous last words, but I really don't see my BF and I breaking up anytime soon. I had my kids at 16 and 18, suffered an abusive relationship, left him at 21 and purposely didn't date for many years afterward, both because I wanted to be sure I wasn't dating the same pattern of man and because I wanted to focus on my kids. I've known my BF for 8 years and have been dating him for 4 years and I seriously have never met anyone as great as he is. He is a complete 180 from the guys I used to date or even found attractive. Now I look at the guys I used to like and think "Yuck!"

However, I know that no one knows the future and the future may hold a bad breakup, but my daughter is nearly an adult and I don't think she would sever her ties to my BF even if we broke up. My son is 16 and I do know that our laws out here give kids that age a pretty big say in who they get to stay with in the event of their parents separation.

Its true that a piece of paper doesn't mean much, but in the case of my DD it actually might mean a lot. She doesn't have a relationship with her biological father and she really pines for that "real" father figure. Its some of the issues that she is dealing with recently that made my BF think about the subject.
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Old 07-10-2008, 11:24 AM   #12
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It's good that you listened to what everyone has to say, but in the end it's your decision to make. You know the situation and the parties involved better than anyone else. I wish you all the best of luck!
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Old 07-10-2008, 02:49 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by evona View Post
Thanks for the advice everyone! I know these are famous last words, but I really don't see my BF and I breaking up anytime soon. I had my kids at 16 and 18, suffered an abusive relationship, left him at 21 and purposely didn't date for many years afterward, both because I wanted to be sure I wasn't dating the same pattern of man and because I wanted to focus on my kids. I've known my BF for 8 years and have been dating him for 4 years and I seriously have never met anyone as great as he is. He is a complete 180 from the guys I used to date or even found attractive. Now I look at the guys I used to like and think "Yuck!"

However, I know that no one knows the future and the future may hold a bad breakup, but my daughter is nearly an adult and I don't think she would sever her ties to my BF even if we broke up. My son is 16 and I do know that our laws out here give kids that age a pretty big say in who they get to stay with in the event of their parents separation.

Its true that a piece of paper doesn't mean much, but in the case of my DD it actually might mean a lot. She doesn't have a relationship with her biological father and she really pines for that "real" father figure. Its some of the issues that she is dealing with recently that made my BF think about the subject.
I know what you are saying my 5 year old is desperate for the 'real' father figerb in his life. if this feels right to you then its the best thing you can do for your family. and being honest as your kids arent small there isnt a lot he could do if the worst ever happened.

i have done the same with men lol. i look at guys i used to think were just dreamy and now think omg what on the earth did i see in them!! thank goodness for new men that get wehave kids and love our ready made family hey.

does sounbd like you have yourself a wonderful fella though
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Old 07-11-2008, 04:13 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by susi View Post

i have done the same with men lol. i look at guys i used to think were just dreamy and now think omg what on the earth did i see in them!! thank goodness for new men that get wehave kids and love our ready made family hey.

does sound like you have yourself a wonderful fella though
Isn't that funny!! I can't even see what was attractive about the guys I used to like. Mostly I think they're dumb now! [rofl] It partly has to do with being older and wiser (all the more reason I thank my stars I had the foresight not to date for a while after my ex) and I think having a good guy now has helped me see men in a different way as well.

Once again, thanks for everyone's advice. I am going to look up a lawyer and talk about it with them. We have also talked about simply calling our rabbi (well really my BF's parent's rabbi since we don't attend very often) and seeing if there is a ceremony they can do for us. It might not be a piece of legal paper, but I think it would feel very real for my kids, especially my DD. Plus, that would include the entire family and what more to make a kid feel welcome than to have a huge family get together . . .lol
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Old 07-12-2008, 10:36 AM   #15
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I don't know how child support is affected by that, but it's a factor since you are not married.
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Old 07-12-2008, 05:32 PM   #16
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I have to agree with Cheryl. It would be a real mess if you and your BF broke up. Then what if you found someone that wants to marry you, but your boyfriend has the rights to your children. Marriage is no guarantee, but it's better than no commitment, in my opinion. I don't want to offend you, just friendly advise.
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Old 07-13-2008, 09:34 AM   #17
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What is the state of 'legal guardianship' over there. Over here it can meen that they are and adoptive parent but it can also meen that they are the person who is officially responsible for somebody under the age of 18 (or 16 depending on what is in question).
I like the idea of getting your (his) rabbi involved. That could be a lovely way of joinging not only your BF to the kids but your families as well. Now this might sound odd, but if you are willing to do that then why not a marriage, personally i am not a big believer in marriage (both my parents have been married and divorced 3 times, 6 divorces in one family puts you off a concept!), but i can see the difference between the BF becoming a legal gaurdan of some sort, but not the diffference between having the rabbi bless you and join the family, after all isn't that what a weding is?

As another alternative to legal gaurdianship or adopting, could you speak to your lawyer and see if there is asome sort of document/contract that could be drawn up which says that for all intents and purposes, your bf is to be considered their father. This would take away some of the clout of adoption (And some of the problems) but would men that if for instance the school needed parents signature, then he could oblige.
good luck to you what ever the outcome, it sounds like your family is finally as it should be!
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Old 07-14-2008, 01:11 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by Puddinpop View Post
I have to agree with Cheryl. It would be a real mess if you and your BF broke up. Then what if you found someone that wants to marry you, but your boyfriend has the rights to your children. Marriage is no guarantee, but it's better than no commitment, in my opinion. I don't want to offend you, just friendly advise.
Actually, I'm the one who doesn't want to get married. I am not horribly opposed to it, but I'm not that interested We'll see. Even if its just ceremonial it would be something.
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Old 07-14-2008, 01:18 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Cynamar View Post
I don't know how child support is affected by that, but it's a factor since you are not married.
You mean child support from my ex? I have received $20 in the 13 years we've been apart. He really is a loser.
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Old 07-14-2008, 01:23 PM   #20
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I just can't see adoption without marriage but I'm not in the situation so I can't judge. I know it can get hairy later.
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