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Old 09-04-2008, 06:38 AM   #1
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sorry this is really really long
Ds is 5 and i just dont know what to do with him.

I've been a single parent living with my parents and older brother since he was born. He met new dp in july and adores him. to the point he cant wait for him to liove with us (our own place not with my parents etc).

ds has always had one hell of a temper to the point the health visitor commented on it when he was months old!!
last time i met up with dp i was covered in bruises, i had to lie to him and say they were from my horse doing it to me when the truth is its ds thats biting me hitting kicking punching me etc.

i spoke to my gp and all he says is send him to school and he'll be fine. ds is perfect at the doc's because he gets given a toy everytime he goes by the doc.

usually he's ok when were out in english company, in french like the supermarket etc he's a nightmare.

for the next month him and me are sharing a bedroom (we have been pretty much since he was a baby) as my bedroom isnt renovated yet, hopefully the next month it will be). he's up at about 6am then dosent go to sleep until gone 11pm every night. no matter what i do/try this wont change. even the year he went to school it was as bad. i thought he'd be tired which he was but he fought sleep and was worse behaved.

im not sure if its the fact that i hate living with my parenst as we dont get on very well and there are a lot of rows between me and my dad and brother.

i think another factor is that my brother is very aggresive towards eveything and everyone. he hits things, kicks walls putting holes in them (thankfully dads a builder so they can be repmaired straight away) but ds sees this happeneing. my brother swears terribly, so now ds does as well. all i ever hear is for f***s sake and oh s**t. i hate swearing and hate the fact he does. i have spoken to my brother about it and it ends up in a huge row every time. i never back down as i know what hes doing infront of ds is wrong (its wrong not infront of him). i've spoken to my parents they have tried talking to him.

he also sees my dad has issues with his temper. if somethings bothered him he will cause a row between mum and me. never at my brother as he knows he would have a real go back.
dp is trying to get it so he can move here after christmas, im now scared he'll see ds the way he is and walk away. he knows ds has issues and also knows some of the things that go on. i dont think i could ever tell him everything without him thinking less of me.
i just dont know how to help ds, right now i know i am being a bad parent but i just dont know what to do. i tried smacking him (gp advised me to try this as nothing else worked) other than making me cry everytime it did nothing. he would just say oh mum that was gentle, do it again harder next time.

he has my attention from the minute he gets up until he goes to bed and after he keeps running in to see me being naughty refusing to go to bed. i then get spat at when i make him go back to bed.

as my gp is being less than helpful i just dont know what to do. the stupid thing is he is a lovley little boy underneath all this. he is generous beyond belief. if he has chocolate (not ofetn as its sugar, he has a healthy diet and yoghurt for puddings rather than sugary rubbish, he has next to no fizzy drinks, best is very weak orange squash with no added sugar, usually water though tbh, so diet wise i dont know how i can change it) he willoffer anyone and everyone it before he eats it.

if someone phones he screams shouts and starts hitting me so he's center of attention.he is so embarasing when he's like taht and its say a work call.

when he was at school (for a year at the age of 3) he was made to do as he's told by his teacher and rebelled a little when she wanted him to do something he didnt want to, other than that he made friends and and had fun. i plan to start him again after i move areas after christmas, but i have the mean time i just dont get any break and right now i cant cope with him. my mums in a wheel chair and wont help herself with anything, let alone help me with him.if she drops soemthing she will call me rather than get it herself (she is in a chair through her own choice NOT that she needs to be).

i just dont know what to do next, im now at my witts end. i think prehaps i just need a break from everything i dont know

sorry this is so long, and i dont even know why im posting this but i cant think straight right now because he's been hell all morning. he woke up wonderfully asking me to go lay in bed with him saying i was his best friend and how much he loves me etc. its almost like a split personality thing
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Old 09-04-2008, 09:48 AM   #2
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Sorry but I don't understand your abbreviations..... I assume Ds is dear son but what is a gp and dp?

But you are clearly in need of some parenting help and a drastic change in how you are handling your son. Is there someone "professional" you can go to for help?
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Old 09-04-2008, 09:57 AM   #3
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Oh, gosh! I'm sorry I have no advice but I did want to give you a big .

Ginny: I think "gp" is short for a general practioner--a family doctor. Not sure about the "dp". Let me ponder on that.
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Old 09-04-2008, 10:11 AM   #4
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I think this is way beyond the abilities of a gp. I would highly recommend a child psychiatrist that speaks a language in which you and your son are most fluent. It sounds like he is exhibiting behavior which is outside the normal for his age.
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Old 09-04-2008, 10:13 AM   #5
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Personally, I'd forget the gp and head directly to a mental health professional. There are some serious issues going on here. I understand he's your son and you love him to death, but this child needs help and he needs it badly.
It may take several tries before you find the right "fit" in a psychiatrist or psychologist, so if the first person you visit isn't right, keep on trying.
In no way am I qualified to diagnose these problems, it just sounds like an emotional problem or possibly a chemical imbalance that makes him incapable of keeping his actions acceptible. Could be anger, could be a personality disorder, could be jealousy......I don't know. I do know that gp's are just that general practitioners, and they are often in a quandry as to how to deal with these types of problems. Find someone who does.
JMHO.
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Old 09-04-2008, 10:16 AM   #6
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Susi, wow, you really have your hands full! I'm so sorry for all the stress you're dealing with right now! I don't know if I can offer any good advice, but I definitely wanted to send you some hugs at the very least. The only advice I can come up with is that you need some outside help. If your gp isn't helping, see if you can find another gp or pediatric doctor to take him to. Maybe some counseling or something like that? Someone that can work with both of you and show you both how to start new routines and get rid of the old ones. Maybe if you pick one behavior at a time that you want to change, and just focus on that one thing. I'd start with the hitting, etc. Find a way to STOP giving him attention for those behaviors, and find something that will motivate him to change just that one behavior. If there's a toy or privilege you can take away, go with that. Or find chores for him to do, or something like that. When my 4 and 6 year old girls get out of hand they sweep floors, clean bathroom counters (with water/dishsoap, not chemicals!), collect the trash, etc.

It also sounds like he might need some structure in his day with you. From your description, it sounds like he misbehaves to get your attention. When he's behaving, you are kept busy dealing with your mom, etc, so he gets your attention best by acting out. Maybe if you can find a way to structure your day and his- make time that is just for him, and do planned activities during those times. Explain that this time is his, and do your best to honor that. This may take some explaining to your family as well! Then have planned activities for him to be doing while you have time set apart for helping your mom and whatever other responsibilities you have.

Try to find a way to get a break for yourself, too. Even if you can just find a Mom's Day Out program for a couple of hours a week, anything will help you recharge your own batteries.

Good luck!
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Old 09-04-2008, 10:28 AM   #7
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I too suggest some therapy and a child psychologist. It sounds like there is definitely more going on than a gp can handle and its definitely causing a lot of stress for you too. Good luck and hang in there!
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Old 09-04-2008, 10:58 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Abbily View Post
Susi, wow, you really have your hands full! I'm so sorry for all the stress you're dealing with right now! I don't know if I can offer any good advice, but I definitely wanted to send you some hugs at the very least. The only advice I can come up with is that you need some outside help. If your gp isn't helping, see if you can find another gp or pediatric doctor to take him to. Maybe some counseling or something like that? Someone that can work with both of you and show you both how to start new routines and get rid of the old ones. Maybe if you pick one behavior at a time that you want to change, and just focus on that one thing. I'd start with the hitting, etc. Find a way to STOP giving him attention for those behaviors, and find something that will motivate him to change just that one behavior. If there's a toy or privilege you can take away, go with that. Or find chores for him to do, or something like that. When my 4 and 6 year old girls get out of hand they sweep floors, clean bathroom counters (with water/dishsoap, not chemicals!), collect the trash, etc.

It also sounds like he might need some structure in his day with you. From your description, it sounds like he misbehaves to get your attention. When he's behaving, you are kept busy dealing with your mom, etc, so he gets your attention best by acting out. Maybe if you can find a way to structure your day and his- make time that is just for him, and do planned activities during those times. Explain that this time is his, and do your best to honor that. This may take some explaining to your family as well! Then have planned activities for him to be doing while you have time set apart for helping your mom and whatever other responsibilities you have.

Try to find a way to get a break for yourself, too. Even if you can just find a Mom's Day Out program for a couple of hours a week, anything will help you recharge your own batteries.

Good luck!

i think you have just offered me the best advise of all.

After reading what you wrote i sat here for 10 min's thinking well everytime he startes its usually afetr mum has been phoning a few times to get help, so interupting 'our' time. i just take that for normal, but a 5 year old wont see it like that, he'll see granny calling to spoil his fun. Any jobs i do he helps me with. We have horses and goats, he mixes up feeds etc so there is very little that i have to do without him (or want to when he's his normal self hes a great little fella).

I took ds to england to meet dp (dear partner) back in july as i said, for 5 days it was just the 3 of us and he only had 1 problem, but that was candy floss related so dont think i can count that lol.

this morning everything just big style got ontop of me and i couldnt cope at all. everything that could happen did happen.

he's appologised tp the cat for hurting him this morning, thankfully no harm done and it wasnt ine of the ferrals so i can boost his confidence up again easily.

when mum told ds off the other day, he just turned to her and said that ok granny mummy will go and pack our bags and we'll go and live with kevin (dp) in engalnd. what on the earth do you say to a 5 year old that says that!!

what i was planning on doing is waiting until we move house and he starts school with dp here full time in his own house with no granny grandad or uncle (or excuses) and seeing how things go from there and work along side a child psychologist of need be. I did find a list of english speaking once and have kept them handy.

thank you all for your advise though, i was just so low this morning as i said everything just happened at once. i am dealing with more daily than i can cope with easily. goodness i miss work, it was soo easy and relaxed lol

thank you all again you guys are the best
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Old 09-04-2008, 12:26 PM   #9
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I think he needs some serious child counseling. Parenting classes on how to handle him and the household situation would also be helpful for you. Having the influence of other people who show their anger in an unsafe way is not good for him.
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Old 09-04-2008, 02:26 PM   #10
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Susi, if it's going to be a while before you guys get out of that house, you might want to seek some outside help for both of you, just to help you cope. That's not a good situation for anyone. Like you said, if you can barely cope with the situation, then a 5 year old will definitely need a little extra help. It sucks to be stuck in a tough situation like that, even briefly. Good luck!
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