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Old 11-03-2008, 12:50 AM   #11
saracidaltendencies
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Ok, another daily dose...lol...Here goes:

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
butt...Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


*****

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE........
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right
and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -
this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES..........
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's
an even trade.

NOTHING..........
This means "something," and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to
turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies
an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)............
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset
over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) ...............
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will
get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
off.

LOUD SIGH...............
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"

SOFT SIGH.............
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY............
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with
the word "Fine" and in conjunction
with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD................
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

PLEASE DO ...................
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS...............
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT .......................
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"


*****

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents
knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were
probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent her 8-year old first, in the morning, with the older boy
to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly. "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped
open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging
open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his
finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for air, replied, "We are in BIG trouble
this time, dude. God is missing, and they think WE did it!!"


*****

Things My Mother Taught Me


1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"
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Old 11-04-2008, 03:38 PM   #12
Abbily
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Read these out loud, they're better that way.

One man says to the other, "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!" The other man says, "Calm down, you're too tense!" (two tents)

-----------------------------

Three strings are walking down the street, and they're terribly thirsty. They pass a bar, but it has a sign that says "No strings allowed." The first string says, "I don't care what it says, I'm getting a beer!" He walks in and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Didn't you see the sign?!" and throws the string out.

The second string gets a trench coat and dark glasses, creeps into the bar, and timidly asks for a beer. The bartender peers at him, says "We don't serve your kind here!" and throws him out of the bar.

The third string ties himself up, fluffs up his top and his bottom, and marches up to the bar to order a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" and the third string says, "Nope, I'm afraid not!" (frayed knot)
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Old 11-05-2008, 11:29 PM   #13
saracidaltendencies
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I've been slacking! lol


Sentences Found In Patients' Hospital Charts

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [Just
how big IS "circus sized"?]

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


*****


Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon people are going to think were nuts.


*****


BLONDE ICE FISHING

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she
made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started
to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice
boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven
the voiced bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her
hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."
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Old 11-06-2008, 01:08 PM   #14
Tropicflower24
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5 people were in a airplane heading back from a deserted island. There was the pilot, engineer, doctor, pastor and a boy scout.
Suddenly the engine malfunctions, and the pilot screams, "there are only 4 parachutes. I have to go becuase I am the pilot and I saw what happened. I'll save millions of lives." and he grabs a parachute and jumps out. The engineer yells, "I am the engineer, and I now have valuble information regarded this airplane and how to make future models better." He grabs the parachute and jumps out. The doctor run up and says "I am a doctor. I will save millions of lives becuase I am the smartest man in the universe." He grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The pastor turns to the boy scout and says "Son, I have lived a full life. There is only one parachute left. I want you to take it. You have your whole life ahead of you." The boy scout responded, "Sir, we can both go. The smartest man in the universe just jumped out with my backpack."
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Old 11-06-2008, 02:03 PM   #15
kellyh57
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Originally Posted by Tropicflower24 View Post
5 people were in a airplane heading back from a deserted island. There was the pilot, engineer, doctor, pastor and a boy scout.
Suddenly the engine malfunctions, and the pilot screams, "there are only 4 parachutes. I have to go becuase I am the pilot and I saw what happened. I'll save millions of lives." and he grabs a parachute and jumps out. The engineer yells, "I am the engineer, and I now have valuble information regarded this airplane and how to make future models better." He grabs the parachute and jumps out. The doctor run up and says "I am a doctor. I will save millions of lives becuase I am the smartest man in the universe." He grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The pastor turns to the boy scout and says "Son, I have lived a full life. There is only one parachute left. I want you to take it. You have your whole life ahead of you." The boy scout responded, "Sir, we can both go. The smartest man in the universe just jumped out with my backpack."
Haha! I've heard that one but they used Bill Gates instead of the smart doctor!

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Old 11-07-2008, 05:52 AM   #16
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How many divas does it take to replace a lightbulb?

One...She stands up and holds the bulb, while the world revolves around her.
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Old 11-07-2008, 12:26 PM   #17
saracidaltendencies
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I've heard a variation of that one, Shandeh, replacing "diva" with "men"
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Old 11-07-2008, 01:16 PM   #18
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Ok...I don't want to take credit for this one...but I made it up in grade two...and it was funny to me at the time.....


Why did E.T. drink a lot of beer?



















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Old 11-07-2008, 01:32 PM   #19
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Cute!

Originally Posted by Demonica View Post

I've heard a variation of that one, Shandeh, replacing "diva" with "men"
The one I originally heard was with "sopranos" instead of "divas". I changed it to make sense in the forum.

I have LOTS of musician jokes.
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Old 11-07-2008, 02:02 PM   #20
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I'm horrible at remembering jokes. For some reason there's only ONE that has stuck in my head, I guess because it's so silly or because the one telling it was a sheep (it was Lambchop)..........at the risk of ruining my online image here goes.........

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmellow?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .To keep from falling into the hot chocolate

That STILL cracks me up!
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