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Old 11-07-2008, 02:09 PM   #21
Shandeh
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I have no idea where I heard this joke. Maybe here in the forum. Anyway, it's copied to my computer, so I'm sharing it now:

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Old 11-07-2008, 07:50 PM   #22
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Geez, I just realized I don't know any jokes clean enough to post here

I'll just post the best poem I've ever written instead.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Doorknobs
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Old 11-07-2008, 08:21 PM   #23
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Someone told me this yesterday.

The Sick Day

A man calls into work and says, ' I'm not coming into work today, I'm really sick. I've got a headache, a stomach ache and my legs hurt. I can't come in."

The boss says, ' I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later the man calls again.
'I followed your advice, and now I feel great. I'll be in right away. And boy, you've sure got a nice house.'
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Old 11-07-2008, 10:09 PM   #24
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That's GREAT!

Originally Posted by Knitting_Guy View Post
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Doorknobs

I know a version of that too, Knitting Guy:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I
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Old 11-07-2008, 10:59 PM   #25
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Marriage -- Part One...
1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).
2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.
3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master's.
5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger, and two under the man's eyes.
6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-ring
* The Endu-ring

9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
12) It's true that all men are born free and equal-but some of them get MARRIED!
13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
15) Conversations between son & father:
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

*****
Marriage -- Part Two...
16) There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
17) Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
18) They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
19) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20) There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
21) Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. (Irwin Corey)
22) When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. (Epperson's law)
23) Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. (Ray Bandy)
24) The more I know about men, the more I like dogs. (Gloria Allred, feminist attorney, 1995)
25) If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created. (Anonymous)
26) If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. (Chekhov)
27) Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. (Woody Allen)
28) Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life. But a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. (Al Bundy)
29) If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. ( Johnny Carson)
30) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. (Al Bundy)
31) An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie)


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Old 11-07-2008, 11:58 PM   #26
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Quote:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I
We don't get it.
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Old 11-08-2008, 03:57 AM   #27
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Figures
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Old 11-08-2008, 05:10 AM   #28
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DEER CAMP
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what
happened to you? He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night. '


The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the
roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'


The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a
man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast all bright eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt,
and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night!'
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Old 11-08-2008, 05:19 AM   #29
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AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!
1: When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.....

2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light f or $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

3: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

4: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

5: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
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Old 11-08-2008, 08:05 PM   #30
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From choir rehearsal:
"Men, please be sure to enunciate at measure 78, where there aren't any words."
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