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Old 11-09-2008, 11:50 PM   #31
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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Old 11-10-2008, 03:41 AM   #32
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Old 11-12-2008, 11:51 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by Demonica View Post
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
THat's AWESOME!!!!!!!!:rofl hard:
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Old 11-13-2008, 10:21 AM   #34
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Three Pints of Guinness ...
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine. It's me! I've quit drinking!"
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Old 11-13-2008, 05:31 PM   #35
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A panda walked into a bar, and much to the bar tenders surpise, ordered a dinner special. In awe of such an unusual Panda, he made sure his order was the first one out of the kitchen.

The Panda ate quietly and when he finished his dinner he thanked the bar tender then proceeded to shoot everyone in the bar. When he had finished he ran out.

The only person to survive was the bar tender, who ran after the Panda. When he caught it he breathly asked.
"Why did you shoot everyone?!"
"I'm a Panda, look me up in the dictionary."

So the bar tender did, and this is what he found.

"Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."

-----------------------------------------------
I think this one is REALLY funny and I hope it doesn't offend anyone :(

A man gets on to a plane and sits in his window seat. As the other passengers enter he begins to wonder who is going to sit beside him. Suddenly the most beautiful woman he has ever seen comes strolling down the isle. He starts to whisper to himself, "Please let her sit next to me." And she did! The man was very excited and after they took off he decided to strike up a conversation.
"Business or pleasure?"
"Business actually, I'm going to a convention."
"Oh really what type?"
"Nymphomaniacs of America."
The man is so elated he can hardly speak but he manages to reply.
"And uh, what are you doing there?"
"I'm giving a talk on sexual myths based on personal experiance, for instance, the rumour is that italians are the best lovers, but I have found that it's the Jewish male who is the best. Another is that African American males are the largest, but tha simply isn't true, it is the Native American male who is. And finally, that Germans have the best stamina, but I personally believe it is the white male from the southern states. Oh but I feel so embarassed telling you all this when I don't even know your name!"
The man sits quietly for a second, his face unreadable before he says,
"Tonto, Tonto Goldstien, but my friend call me Bubba"

XD
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Old 11-13-2008, 06:11 PM   #36
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I look forward to this thread more than any other thing I keep up on!!!!

Keep them coming!!!
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Old 11-17-2008, 05:39 PM   #37
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Who's Up There?

A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"





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Old 11-17-2008, 10:59 PM   #38
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I, too love this thread. For better or worse, here goes....

1)
A Letter To The Bank

Dear sirs:


In view of what seems to be happening to banks internationally at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me:

One of my checks was returned marked 'insufficient funds', does that refer to me or to you???

Please advise.....



2)
This will probably bring back many memories to any of us having had experiences with small children's conversations. For most people, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we've been given and to savor the scents of crisp autumn days and pumpkin pie, but for this woman it has a whole different meaning:

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror I could just see the top of her head.
"My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added.

"Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously.

Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing hanging down and they know that he's a boy..." I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.

"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"

My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well.." I was still searching for something to say, to change the subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like boys to have those things?" Well I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that very same question at least once? "Oh, well...um..." I stammered.

She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and when girls see that they know they're boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, then the girl really knows he likes her too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home she hopped out of the car, fishing some-
thing out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "...you want to see?"

I wasn't all that sure I did, but I looked anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing. I laughed until I cried. But I told her I loved it - and I did - and she got over her pique. That was the end of that... for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation, and to be honest I haven't looked at a turkey or a man the same way since.

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

3) Similar, but still funny....
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a

case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so

they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and

puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

4)
A friend of mine called me to complain about a problem she was having with admission to online instruction at her state university. She knew I had been teaching online since 94 and wanted to know if Id ever heard of her problem. And she was looking for a recommendation to break the log jam. It seems that she decided to go back to school online to finish the degree she never finished once she started having kids. They are now in college and encouraged Mom to finish up.

She got admitted to the college and enrolled in her first online course only to get an email from the registrar's office telling her that she still needed to submit a copy of her immunization records to the college. She sent them a reply saying that she was an online student and was seven hundred miles away from the campus. (And she had no idea where her childhood immunization records were.) They replied that she could still be a health hazard to other students if her immunization record was not up to date. They were insistent.

I told her to Xerox a copy of her Norton Anti virus program and email it to the school.

She did. She never heard back from the bureaucrat. She is happily taking the course now.

That's all for now....enjoy. I love this thread.

Kat
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Old 11-17-2008, 11:28 PM   #39
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I know a ocuple of real good ones that I probably shouldn't share. I need to check my old emails to find something.
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Old 11-18-2008, 01:45 AM   #40
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I sent this one to my Boss at the non-Profit youth organization
she still laughs when i walk in

================================================== =========================

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a
while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman
stopped her, and said, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that
bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn it!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.'

'Well, now, not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no, no', said the old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to
really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him,
grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair,' said the cop, laughing. 'OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
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