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Old 11-18-2008, 01:53 AM   #41
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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR
OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED .
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT
UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ***,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'

================================================== =

A Louisiana Dept of Transportation employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.' The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

It wasn't too much later and the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw the Highway Dept. employee running for his life and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart ***.... Show him your card!!
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Old 11-18-2008, 02:21 PM   #42
Denise in Michigan
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Check out the thread on here "You Brits are just too funny"! Hilarious and topical!
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Old 11-19-2008, 10:06 AM   #43
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Time for a few groaners


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
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Old 11-20-2008, 10:17 AM   #44
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Groaners Part 2...lol


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Old 11-21-2008, 02:20 PM   #45
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A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.

The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing on coming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!"
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Old 11-21-2008, 02:38 PM   #46
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CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT???

You have to try this. It only takes 2 seconds.
(It's from an orthopedic surgeon.
)

This will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying over and over again
to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.
It's pre-programmed in your brain!

Here it is:

1) While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2) Now while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change directio
n.

And there's nothing we can do about it!

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so already!
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Old 11-21-2008, 09:52 PM   #47
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OMG art lady!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's hilarious! I'm glad no one was watching me!
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Old 11-22-2008, 01:01 PM   #48
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That is strange. I did it. Even drew on a peice of paper to make sure my mind wasn't tricking me and i wasn't drawing something else. It didn't change.
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Old 11-22-2008, 03:41 PM   #49
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Are you sure you had your foot going clockwise? Or are you left handed?
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Old 11-22-2008, 10:42 PM   #50
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Nope, I'm as right handed as they get. And my foot and hand were going in oppisite directions.


With my left hand/left foot I can't do it. With my left foot/right hand, I can do it. With my right f/l h I can do it. rh/rf I can do it.
Basically I can do it anyway except with my left hand/left foot.
But I am an oddity anyhow.
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