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Old 01-02-2009, 08:56 PM   #1
vaknitter
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To send a card or not ?
I had a male friend who got really angry with me when I met my now husband. He did a lot of things that made it impossible for us to remain friends. We haven't spoken for a few years now and I just saw in the obits that his mother has passed away. There is a part of me that wants to send a card just to say "your family is in my prayers" and the other part of me is afraid that doing so would encourage him to contact me again and I am not interested in the drama. Do I send the card or just say my prayers and let it go at that?
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Old 01-02-2009, 10:04 PM   #2
MoniDew
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you send him peace (say your prayers) and you LET HIM GO!
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Old 01-02-2009, 10:14 PM   #3
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I'd send prayers only...why open yourself up to the drama again when it is the thought that really counts?!
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Old 01-03-2009, 12:33 AM   #4
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You could always send a card that is signed by you AND your husband. Who knows...perhaps enough time has elapsed where the past won't matter to him. Plus, when you're in the midst of grief over a loved one, you're not going to be able to invest a whole lot of time on extra drama.

It's water under the bridge. You've moved on, and he's probably moved on as well.

Sympathizing with others in the midst of tragedy is what keeps us all grounded and focused on the important things in life.

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Old 01-03-2009, 12:37 AM   #5
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I agree with the others. Prayers only! Don't invite the drama into your life.
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Old 01-03-2009, 03:34 AM   #6
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I had a similar situation, when I heard that the guy had been in a very bad accident, WE went to see him in the hospital. It was a blessing all the way around; he knew that I still cared for him at least that much, and I knew then that he had moved on and had a new girlfriend.
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Old 01-03-2009, 08:49 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by vaknitter View Post
I had a male friend who got really angry with me when I met my now husband. He did a lot of things that made it impossible for us to remain friends. We haven't spoken for a few years now and I just saw in the obits that his mother has passed away. There is a part of me that wants to send a card just to say "your family is in my prayers" and the other part of me is afraid that doing so would encourage him to contact me again and I am not interested in the drama. Do I send the card or just say my prayers and let it go at that?
Personally, I would send the card. Sending a card doesn't mean you're inviting drama back into your life - escpecially if you add a little blurb about something special about his mom. That way it's clear it's about her and how she will be missed. Have your husband sign it as well.

Having lost my dad, I never read anything into any cards I got other than kindness.

And, if it's been a few years, he's likely moved on as well....it's amazing what time will do for people...and won't even give a thought to the past (unless it's to feel badly about it and apologize for his behavior).\

Anyway, that's just me. Do what makes YOU feel most comfortable. You know what you're ready to deal with and what you are fearing will happen, so make the call that leaves you more at peace.
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Old 01-03-2009, 10:11 AM   #8
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I would do what you think is right.

I volunteer with families going though grief and I know they appreciate all the thoughts and prayers sent their way. He may be very happy that you care enough to think of him in his time of need, but ultimately you must decide if you feel comfortable letting him know. This may be the thing that invites a better friendship (one without drama) between you both or it may not.

You know that you are thinking of him, but he doesn't. If you do send a card, make sure that your husband signs it himself. Your old friend may appreciate that your husband took the time to send his own wishes. Just a thought.
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Old 01-03-2009, 01:08 PM   #9
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I agree with Nathalie, I would send a card signed by both you and your husband. I know when my Mom died how important cards were, especially those from people I had not seen in a long time. Just knowing they took the time to send it was significant.


I now send cards when ever someone I know, even distantly, dies because I know how significant those cards can be. By signing the card with your name and your husbands you are sending a pretty clear signal that it is an extension of sympathy not an invitation to rekindle a relationship.
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Old 01-03-2009, 07:32 PM   #10
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I agree that sending the card is a good, kind and supportive thing to do
but it does not have to be addressed to him directly
why not to the family as a whole?
when my Xh died, I got a lot of cards addressed to "family of M J ****"
some from former lovers of his, others from people who did not know me or my kids, or both
I valued each one

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