Anyone else in this situation?

blueeyes28 · 01-29-2009, 09:02 AM

My husband and I own our home(well the bank does)and we pay our bills on time with a few bucks to spare at the end of every month so we are somewhat comfortable which to me is huge because I grew up in a pretty unstable home.The issue is that my brother is homeless because of a drug problem so I feel like I can not be happy with my life because I feel like other people in the family think I am rich or something and I should help him,I know what he would he would do with money if I gave it to him and that I should not do that I just can't help feeling guilty that I have this stability and he doesn't.Living with me is not an option because I don't have a spare bedroom and because I don't want drugs in my house so what do I do??When I look at him I still see my baby brother and it kills me to not come to his rescue.Sorry this is so long and thanks for taking the time to read it.

miccisue · 01-29-2009, 02:28 PM

Please don't think I'm being cruel or heartless, but YOU can not come to his rescue. HE has to come to his own rescue. Until he is ready to change, he will continue down the path he has chosen. He has to hit a point (some call it "rock bottom") that makes him take a look at himself and realize how much damage and hurt he has done not just personally, but to those that know and love him. Until he's willing to accept the consequences of his actions and work to change them, there is nothing anyone can do. It has to be his decision. You can put a person into Rehab a million times, but if they don't want to change, the minute they get out they'll go back to their old ways.

I know and understand how badly it makes you feel to think you are "turning your back" on your baby brother. I think all of us have known someone - a family member, a friend, a classmate - who have struggled with addiction. We all remember the person they were before all the trouble started, and despite the trouble we still love and care for them. But, there comes a point when we have to let them go their own way and hope and pray they come to see how destructive their life is, and get the help they need. Let him know you'll be there for him when he gets his act together, but right now, with his drug addiction, you can't be a willing participant in it.

JMHO.

blueeyes28 · 01-29-2009, 02:41 PM

I know you are right and I have been doing OK until last weekend when he threatened suicide on my birthday that threw me for a loop and I have been questioning myself ever since,the real problem though is that my parents continue to make excuses for him I think because they are both alcoholics they all live in denial together.

saracidaltendencies · 01-29-2009, 02:55 PM

miccisue is 100% right. The only way your brother will change is if he wants to change. Though it's easier said than done, you must realize it's in no way your fault, and, you should not be the one feeling guilty.

If he's threatening suicide, see about having him admitted to a hospital. Also, if he's threatening suicide, he's likely depressed and may need medication (if he's not already on it), and/or therapy. However, your parents are truly the ones responsible for him if he cannot be responsible for himself.

I don't know your family situation, but, is it possible to have a sit down with your parents and address your concerns?

shelluie · 01-29-2009, 02:56 PM

I know exactly how you feel. We dealed with the same thing in my family (meth) for 10 years. You can only do so much, and the rest is up to them to want to change the way they are living. DO NOT give him money. You can help him find resources to help him with his drug addiction, and housing, and be there for him but not in a monetary way. Try not to feel guilty, it is his choice to live the way he is and it is also HIS choice to fix it. The ONLY way things will change is if he decided he's tired of living the life he's living and starts to make changes to fix it. You can't do it for him.

catlvr · 01-29-2009, 03:27 PM

You and your husband worked to get to the stability you enjoy and should not jeopardize it to "save" your brother. Let him know you love him and if he wants to straighten out his life, you are there to listen and help if you can. He must help himself, you can't do it for him. You're in my prayers.

blueeyes28 · 01-29-2009, 03:47 PM

My sister and I have tried to talk to my parents and it is useless they see what they want to see and that is it,which I think is the reason my brother is the way he is today because they have always been this way,he started having problems in school in the third grade and it was obvious he needed some help but they did not seek it out because I think they were afraid to hear that they were responsible for it,I love my parents I just wish they would see what is going on here and get help for themselves as well .

Craw · 01-29-2009, 03:55 PM

I agree with the others. Please don't feel guilty. You can show him you love him and help him in other ways, not with money or by taking him in as those things rarely help in a case like this. Maybe knit him something, cook him a meal, keep in touch on the phone or whatever. Just let him know you care and won't stop loving him. Hugs to you.

Jan in CA · 01-29-2009, 05:44 PM

I agree with everyone else who's commented so far. You aren't responsible for your brother's choices and you don't want to support his problems by giving him money. You worked hard for your stability and you don't want to jeopardize that.

I was thinking that if it makes you feel better you could give him a small gc to a fast food place, but be careful even doing that.

blueeyes28 · 01-29-2009, 06:45 PM

Yeah I have tried that but he will just trade it for cash,I think it is an epidemic where I come from because my 10 yo sons father is doing the same thing so I am not allowing him to spend time with my son for that reason,it sucks because I feel like my family is suffereing so much for choices that other people are making.