Have to deliver some not so nice news

[Songbirdy]

Hey,

okay I have to have a conversation with a friend tonight. She tends to get excited and over-step.

Anyhow, her husband finally got a job and it requires a major move.

The company is flying him, her and their youngest out this weekend so that they can look for a place to live.

The company also offered to pay for childcare for their two other children. She called me up a while back and said, "Well, I figured you'd like the money, so will you?"

And I said, "When you have the dates get back to me."

The thing is that on March 7th my parents are moving to Cambodia and I've got loads of things going on regarding that including wanting to spend time with them.

So she calls and tells me the dates, and can I drive them to the airport.



Tonight the kids are coming over and she's going to help me put them to bed here (I have two of my own). She wants to sit and knit with me because she wants to spend some time together. I'll be coming home from a meeting to the extra children.

So I'm going to tell her something like, "Well, officially I never said yes to this and I want you to know that because I'm not happy with this and so forth..."

I'm also tempted to ask her not to stay because right now I'm not really pleased about the way this worked out. Especially because I'm going to have to take 4 kids by myself to my parents big going away party... as my husband has to works and we set up our own private going away time...

Anyhow, just had to vent. She does come here and I've debated about posting... all day... but if I don't let a little frustration out first I'll have a hard time expressing myself kindly.

[OffJumpsJack]

"When you have the dates get back to me."

Did she ever get back to you with the date, like actually BEFORE the date she needed a sitter? A bit rude to not give at least a few days warning. It takes at least a few days if not a week advanced notice to arrange flight and hotel room. She should have given you that much warning that she expected you to be the sitter.

Perhaps too late to get out, but you didn't include any provisions like, "so I can check my schedule" or "Then I'll know if I'm available." She appears to have taken your comment as accepting the arrangement.

Good luck.

Edit to add:
I see, called today about needing a sitter this weekend. You missed your chance to say you were busy on the first call. Ouch.

How about offering a list of available sitters if you know of any that have an opeing on such short notice. Of course you'd have to go that extra mile to call and confirm sitters available and their emergency rates.

Then again, you'd have information for requesting extra compensation due to her short notice. Child care may be included in relocation reimbursement.

Kind of want to scream into a pillow?

[Songbirdy]

Oh I totally want to scream in a pillow!

And I did leave myself open for interpretation by not saying something after the "when you have the dates" bit.

I do realize that.

so yes... pillow here I come, lol!


I so should have been more careful with my words but then again, it kind of sucks when you have to think like a lawyer all the time!

OH, and my meeting ran late so I didn't get a chance to tell her. They did put the children all to bed by the time I came home.

Here goes my stint at parenting 4 children as a single mom... wish me luck!

[nephnie]

Sometimes I wonder where people learned their manners. And I'm going to go against mine by being a little rude, well, for me. It's one thing to assume you'll do it, it's another to allow you time to get ready for two extra children. Although I don't have kids, yet, I do volunteer with them and I know how four children and one adult can be a handful.
I'm sorry it worked out that way for you. Maybe mention that you enjoyed having her kids for the weekend(?) and you hope that they enjoyed the stay. Especially since they had to go to a family party with you. But do it in a tactful way.

[Abbily]

I would never take "when you have the dates get back to me" as "yes." To me, that clearly states that you have your own schedule to consider and you need to make sure you don't have conflicts with the dates. However, I think it's great that you are dealing with the communication failure and helping her out anyway.

[GinnyG]

Hey,



And I said, "When you have the dates get back to me."

The thing is that on March 7th my parents are moving to Cambodia and I've got loads of things going on regarding that including wanting to spend time with them.

So she calls and tells me the dates, and can I drive them to the airport.

Unless I am reading your post incorrectly she did get back to you eith the the dates. When she called and gave you the dates that was the time you should have said "I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me". By allowing her to bring the kids over to put to bed you were agreeing to the arrangements. I would have interpreted your actions to be agreement also

If this doesn't work for you, you need to tell her now so that she has time to find someone.

I don't mean to be blunt but you cannot be taken advantage of unless you allow yourself to be taken advantage of. Your silence and allowing her to come over with the kids is tacit approval.

I do sympathize with you but your lack of action when she gave you the dates was pretty much an ok for the plan.

Just my opinion.

[Songbirdy]

Oh they are long gone. So she can't find anyone else.

Essentially she tied my hands by not telling me until the last minute.

True, I've let myself in this situation. Which is why I'm glad they are moooooving!


Its hard because there have been times when I've been called at 5 p.m. and asked to feed her son supper because she's been sick all day and he hasn't had 'real food.'

I feel really torn here because I care about the welfare of the children.

I don't know that I could live with myself and leave children in an unsafe situation when I *can*do something to avoid the situation.

I agree with you Ginny and I will be straight with her when she comes back. But like Abbily, I would never take get back to me with the dates the way she did, especially given the turmoil that she knows my life is in with my parents leaving.

I've decided not to attend my parent's party tonight. The thought of a 1 1/2 hour drive one way and a huge party with lots of people just doesn't appeal to me.

Oh, and interestingly enough, her daughter who is notorious for temper tantrums (she's 3) hasn't had a single one while she is here.

This thread is giving me courage to speak up and hopefully convey to her what it is she's done.

[lulubell]

Look, I know I am an absolute coward when it comes to situations like this, but they are moving away soon, so hopefully the situation will not be repeated.

I would tend to stop stewing (hard I know) accept that you have been used and abused, and move on.

However..... be very sure that you do not fall into the same trap again!!!