Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-31-2009, 09:29 AM   #1
Turning the Heel
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 925
Thanks: 909
Thanked 264 Times in 251 Posts
If you had a child who is almost 40, who left her 4 children behind (the oldest being 13) when she walked out on her husband for a man she met at the psych ward, and had a child by him, who blamed you for everything that had ever gone wrong in her life and, who, at this great age, still relies on her grandmother to look after her and her child - the grandmother now being 93... what would you do?
Just throwing this out there because, frankly, we are at our wits end.
I realize the answer should be obvious... but we've tried the obvious and it hasn't worked at all....
TEMA is offline   Reply With Quote


This advertising will not be shown to registered members. Join our free online community today!

Old 03-31-2009, 10:45 AM   #2
Turning the Heel
Simply_Renee's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: NE Tennessee
Posts: 625
Thanks: 409
Thanked 195 Times in 183 Posts

1. Remember that it isn't your fault. Some people don't get it no matter how they were raised. Of course she wants to blame you- who would want to call themselves responsible for that mess?

2. Love her anyway- but this doesn't mean you have to put yourself in a situation to be taken advantage of or condone her behavior.

3. Be there for your grandchildren no matter what- they need you.

4. Remain cautiously optimistic that some day she may pull her head out of you-know-where and step up. But accept that maybe she won't, and you have no control over this.

With love from Renée- who unfortunately knows a little bit about tolerating disappointing relatives.
OTN: - Tree of Life afghan, socks, afghan for Dad, Tura Maeve baby dress, alpaca Winter Mountains scarf, Frida poncho

Recently FO- Quinn cabled bag, Evangeline fingerless gloves (2 pairs), Topknot baby hats, pompom & earflap hats, 8 pairs of socks, Baby Folkwear Caftan, Debbie Bliss Baby Shawl (blanket)

I'm SimplyRenee on Ravelry- feel free to add me as a friend & I will do the same!
Simply_Renee is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Simply_Renee For This Useful Post:
melmac51 (04-06-2009)
Old 03-31-2009, 01:12 PM   #3
Working the Gusset
evona's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Northridge, CA
Posts: 1,275
Thanks: 420
Thanked 512 Times in 450 Posts
I agree with Renee completely. There's only so much you can do. She's an adult and she is responsible for her actions not you. There comes a time when you stop blaming mommy and daddy and start fixing your life on your own. My heart goes out to you. There are a couple of good books out about how to cope with adult children who disappoint us. Perhaps you can go to your library and find a book or two that pique your interest in that area - if for no other reason than to help you stay strong and help you remember that you are not alone.
evona is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-31-2009, 01:49 PM   #4
Instepping Out
Debkcs's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Salem, OR
Posts: 2,919
Thanks: 384
Thanked 1,281 Times in 1,192 Posts
If her grandmother isn't in tip top condition, I'd call Senior Services so that the poor woman isn't overwhelmed or misused.

Other than that, what can you do except for what Simply_Renee stated. Especially being there for the grandchildren.

Sorry you're having to go through all of this, it's tough to let go.

"All good things and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights who cannot change."
James 1:17
Debkcs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-31-2009, 03:42 PM   #5
Working the Gusset
Join Date: May 2007
Location: PA
Posts: 1,043
Thanks: 32
Thanked 308 Times in 289 Posts
I would be most concerned for the (great) grand child here. I know there are spry 93 yo grandmothers out there, but generally speaking, they don't keep up with toddlers all that well. In your shoes, I would probably let my daughter know that, in spite of the fact that I "ruined her life" that I would/could take the grandchild. I would let the grandmother know about this option, too. Then, I'd sit back and wait, unless it was clear that someone (great-grandma or child) was in danger. I hope her ex is doing OK with the older kids.

My sister's in-laws recently had to take in their granddaughter because their DD is unstable. They can't do much about their DD without her consent (and she's not consenting), but they did get legal custody of their GD because of DD's instability. It was a very tough time for all of them, but it was undoubtely the best thing for the GD. IIRC, their DD has supervised visitation with her daughter. Personally, I would consider the legal system a last resort, though.
cftwo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-31-2009, 04:00 PM   #6
Turning the Heel
Puddinpop's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama
Posts: 682
Thanks: 106
Thanked 219 Times in 201 Posts
Send a message via AIM to Puddinpop
I agree to be there for your grand children. They will need your love and support.
Puddinpop is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Puddinpop For This Useful Post:
TEMA (04-04-2009)
Old 04-03-2009, 11:18 AM   #7
Working the Gusset
MoniDew's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 1,329
Thanks: 1,367
Thanked 376 Times in 299 Posts
Stop bailing her out. Don't let grandma bail her out, either. She's co-dependent on blaming you/using you. Pull the rug out from under her and let her tumble. Call social services to take that baby away from her and the psycho she spawned it with. I'm being mean, because I'm being serious!

I can say this because I have 3 grandchildren who were in the custody of social services for 3 years because their psycho momma couldn't get off drugs and stop making drama-queen fake suicide attempts. She woke up finally when she had to fight her way sane in order to get her children back. LOTS of therapy later, we finally have our family back, and it's no longer co-dependent.

As a friend of mine once said, "healthy relationships FEEL GOOD!" If this is not the case, then it is not healthy!

I know how hard it is to be objective when something so close to our hearts as our children and/or grandchildren seems "threatened." But believe me, if you could take a step back, you'd realize that Miss "Come here, come here, come here; Go away, go away, go away" is playing you like a violin!

STOP PLAYING HER GAME. Get out of her court. Take your life, and your mother's life back. And let her hang herself! It'll be the best thing that ever happened to all of you.

This is the voice of experience signing off...

(PS, just to make it clear, we were "there" for our grandchildren the entire time they were in state custody. We visited, remembered every birthday and holiday, etc. They knew who we were and that they were loved. Even though it was hard to walk away, leaving them there, their mother would NEVER have gotten well if we hadn't. TOUGH LOVE!!!! But it worked!)
MoniDew is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2009, 10:53 PM   #8
Grafting the Toe
Knitting_Guy's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Following the white rabbit
Posts: 4,992
Thanks: 2,318
Thanked 1,130 Times in 832 Posts
Love her and let her make her own mistakes. It may be painful to watch, but it's really all you can do. Do what you can for the children.

What do you mean guys don't knit?

Linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.

Perfection is overrated. Knitting is meant to relieve stress, not cause it. Relax and enjoy it.

My boring blog

My knitting blog

My New Home Page (work in progress)

Knitting_Guy is offline   Reply With Quote

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
erm..ok, this is becoming a problem... YarnDrawer16 How-to Questions 2 11-22-2008 12:50 PM
I need help on a problem i've been having!!! Superbaker101 How-to Questions 2 08-15-2007 09:24 PM
toe up problem boyforpele13 How-to Questions 3 02-13-2007 11:48 AM
gap problem! please help fancy_polar01 How-to Questions 3 02-18-2006 04:36 PM
anyone have this problem? If so how do you fix it? dustinac General Knitting 7 11-18-2005 10:13 AM

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:30 AM.