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Old 03-31-2009, 09:29 AM   #1
TEMA
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If you had a child who is almost 40, who left her 4 children behind (the oldest being 13) when she walked out on her husband for a man she met at the psych ward, and had a child by him, who blamed you for everything that had ever gone wrong in her life and, who, at this great age, still relies on her grandmother to look after her and her child - the grandmother now being 93... what would you do?
Just throwing this out there because, frankly, we are at our wits end.
I realize the answer should be obvious... but we've tried the obvious and it hasn't worked at all....
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Old 03-31-2009, 10:45 AM   #2
Simply_Renee
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1. Remember that it isn't your fault. Some people don't get it no matter how they were raised. Of course she wants to blame you- who would want to call themselves responsible for that mess?

2. Love her anyway- but this doesn't mean you have to put yourself in a situation to be taken advantage of or condone her behavior.

3. Be there for your grandchildren no matter what- they need you.

4. Remain cautiously optimistic that some day she may pull her head out of you-know-where and step up. But accept that maybe she won't, and you have no control over this.

With love from Renée- who unfortunately knows a little bit about tolerating disappointing relatives.
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Old 03-31-2009, 01:12 PM   #3
evona
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I agree with Renee completely. There's only so much you can do. She's an adult and she is responsible for her actions not you. There comes a time when you stop blaming mommy and daddy and start fixing your life on your own. My heart goes out to you. There are a couple of good books out about how to cope with adult children who disappoint us. Perhaps you can go to your library and find a book or two that pique your interest in that area - if for no other reason than to help you stay strong and help you remember that you are not alone.
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Old 03-31-2009, 01:49 PM   #4
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If her grandmother isn't in tip top condition, I'd call Senior Services so that the poor woman isn't overwhelmed or misused.

Other than that, what can you do except for what Simply_Renee stated. Especially being there for the grandchildren.

Sorry you're having to go through all of this, it's tough to let go.
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Old 03-31-2009, 03:42 PM   #5
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I would be most concerned for the (great) grand child here. I know there are spry 93 yo grandmothers out there, but generally speaking, they don't keep up with toddlers all that well. In your shoes, I would probably let my daughter know that, in spite of the fact that I "ruined her life" that I would/could take the grandchild. I would let the grandmother know about this option, too. Then, I'd sit back and wait, unless it was clear that someone (great-grandma or child) was in danger. I hope her ex is doing OK with the older kids.

My sister's in-laws recently had to take in their granddaughter because their DD is unstable. They can't do much about their DD without her consent (and she's not consenting), but they did get legal custody of their GD because of DD's instability. It was a very tough time for all of them, but it was undoubtely the best thing for the GD. IIRC, their DD has supervised visitation with her daughter. Personally, I would consider the legal system a last resort, though.
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Old 03-31-2009, 04:00 PM   #6
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I agree to be there for your grand children. They will need your love and support.
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Old 04-03-2009, 11:18 AM   #7
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Stop bailing her out. Don't let grandma bail her out, either. She's co-dependent on blaming you/using you. Pull the rug out from under her and let her tumble. Call social services to take that baby away from her and the psycho she spawned it with. I'm being mean, because I'm being serious!

I can say this because I have 3 grandchildren who were in the custody of social services for 3 years because their psycho momma couldn't get off drugs and stop making drama-queen fake suicide attempts. She woke up finally when she had to fight her way sane in order to get her children back. LOTS of therapy later, we finally have our family back, and it's no longer co-dependent.

As a friend of mine once said, "healthy relationships FEEL GOOD!" If this is not the case, then it is not healthy!

I know how hard it is to be objective when something so close to our hearts as our children and/or grandchildren seems "threatened." But believe me, if you could take a step back, you'd realize that Miss "Come here, come here, come here; Go away, go away, go away" is playing you like a violin!

STOP PLAYING HER GAME. Get out of her court. Take your life, and your mother's life back. And let her hang herself! It'll be the best thing that ever happened to all of you.

This is the voice of experience signing off...

(PS, just to make it clear, we were "there" for our grandchildren the entire time they were in state custody. We visited, remembered every birthday and holiday, etc. They knew who we were and that they were loved. Even though it was hard to walk away, leaving them there, their mother would NEVER have gotten well if we hadn't. TOUGH LOVE!!!! But it worked!)
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Old 04-03-2009, 10:53 PM   #8
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Love her and let her make her own mistakes. It may be painful to watch, but it's really all you can do. Do what you can for the children.
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