UPDATE: In for a penny. What's done is done.

MoniDew · 05-06-2009, 07:57 PM

When my family received a call from a young lady (my youngest son's girlfriend) trying to escape an abusive home, we felt an obligation to provide assistance. We knew/suspected that this family had "issues" because of the extreme level of control they exercise over their daughter. (She cannot hold a job, go to school, drive a car, talk on the phone, have contact with anyone outside of her immediate family, etc. My son and she "sneak" to make contact with each other, whenever they can.)

We took her directly to the nearest police station and had her make a statement. The officer who took her statement told us not to let her go back to her home and asked if there was a friend she could stay with temporarily. A quick phone call to our state's Department of Human Services authorized my daughter's home as her safe house. Since my son still lives at home, we didn't think having the two of them under the same roof would be approved. So, my daughter, who lives two blocks away and who's husband is in law enforcement were the next best choice. We knew they would be approved immediately - they were. We also got a protective order against her father. As we suspected, the family was covering for some serious abuse. (Not to mention attempting to use Stockholm syndrome as a parenting tactic.)

Problem: her mother harassed our local police station and city attorney until my daughter and her husband were forced to put her into a group home or my son-in-law would lose his job. The mom did everything in her power to prevent her going to the group home, but after being interviewed by DHS she was deemed unfit for failure to protect, All of the mother's suggestions of family members and friends were deemed unsuitable, there was nowhere else for her to go. The intake person at the group home also told my daughter that there is "no way" she should go back to her home. That the mother is absolutely delusional in thinking that the girl is making all this up. So, the girl was in the group home until her court date - which is tomorrow.

Problem: the mother harassed the group home people until they removed my daughter and her husband from the "OK to visit" list and changed the password on her daughter's behalf so that we couldn't call and check up on her.

Problem: the mother put a restraining order against my son for contributing to her delinquency (he's just turned 18, she's just about to turn 18 in a couple of months) sneaking her out a bedroom window (OK, I know that's wrong, but what choice did they have,) calling her on the phone he bought and paid for her to have and they discovered and took away. She also claims he tried to rape/molest/beat/etc, her - which never happened and may actually be a cover for what is going on within her own home. His future and his reputation are now in serious jeopardy because he wanted to help this sweet girl.

Problem: tonight is the last day she can stay in the group home. Only a one week stay is allowed at a time because it's intended to be temporary. The mom will be picking the girl up from the group home tonight and will refuse to allow her to appear in court tomorrow to make a statement to the judge regarding her father. She's already told my son-in-law as much.

So, now we are in a quandary for what we can or cannot do, and what we should or should not do. UGH! I am so worried sick about this whole thing. We tried so hard to do the right thing for this girl but her delusional mother has turned this into such a nightmare for all of us.

This should have been something light & sweet for my son to look fondly on later in life as his first love. But these sick parents have forced this whole thing to go in such a "Romeo & Juliet" direction that there is no way now! They could actually be forcing these two kids to jump into a too-early marriage, marry the "wrong" people, etc. All because they couldn't just let their daughter be a teenager for Chr*st sake!

saracidaltendencies · 05-07-2009, 03:09 AM

Words escape me at the moment, but, I hope everything turns out ok, no one should have to go through that...At the very least, she doesn't have too long to wait until she turns 18, and I don't know if it's this way in every state but here, I believe, at 18, legally the parents cannot force her to stay with them.

Jan in CA · 05-07-2009, 06:38 AM

Words escape me... I am so shocked.

I can't offer any advice, but only my support and best wishes for you all and especially this young woman.

cftwo · 05-07-2009, 02:35 PM

I'm so sorry for what this young woman is going through. My instinct is to try to find someone to swoop in to rescue her, but I'm guessing that there is enough other evidence that having the girl not show up in court tomorrow will be a Big Mistake on the part of the mother. From what you've said, I would be very surprised if a judge didn't also realize that the mother was unstable and it wasn't safe for the daughter to go back home. But that one night back in her mother's clutches scares the bejeebers out of me.

Sunshine's Mom · 05-07-2009, 03:13 PM

She should phone the police herself and make another complaint so the process will start all over again and she may be able to stay in the group home until she turns 18. Once she turns 18 she can do what she likes. I'm not even sure right now, at age 17, that she HAS to go with her mother. She should make complaints against both her mother and father, then she definitely wouldn't have to go with her. The folks at the group home are aware of the situation, I can't believe that they would force this girl to go with her unfit mother.

There's no restraining order against you is there? Can you get a message to this girl to make a new complaint(s)? Or at least tell her to speak with the group home director about refusing to go with her mother. Can you make an anonymous Child Protective complaint on her behalf? Stating that this mother is trying to bring her child back to an abusive environment. I'm sure DSS/CPS is already involved, but another complaint can't hurt and might help her.

I really feel for you and her and your son. She's been very strong to get this far. If there is anyway that you can speak with her or get a message to her that she should stay strong, that you're there for her and trying to help her, that could make all the difference to her safety and her state of mind. The actions that her mother has taken since she made the complaint speak to the fact that she is unfit and trying to cut her off from everyone else but her abusive family.

All my fingers are crossed for you, your son and her. I'm praying for her safety and thanking God for your intervention on her behalf already.

MoniDew · 05-07-2009, 04:47 PM

Thank you all so much for your words of comfort and prayers on everyone's behalf.

My son-in-law was somehow able to get through to the staff to keep her one more night. She was released to her mother this morning, and told to take her to the courthouse this morning. I still don't know if the mother actually got her to the courthouse. I've been praying for her all morning that she can have her day in court and have her say - that her mother would be forced to shut up and not interfere in her words. If her mother speaks, that it would be obvious to the judge that she's unfit, etc.

So far, I have not heard back yet how it went. I don't think that any member of my family was able to go (I don't have transportation, my son has a restraining order so he went to school as usual, my daughter must work, my son-in-law is working, my husband must work, etc.) But I will check around to see if anyone knows how today went in court.

Keep praying. Thank you.

Editing to add, here:
My son just got home from school. He's pacing the floors, so worried about her. We've just texted my daughter for news, but no answers yet. My daughter thinks she might be served with protective order soon, as well. Just as one of the mother's tactics for keeping outsiders out of her "business." No response to the text yet.

hookedonknitting · 05-07-2009, 05:07 PM

I am so sorry. I know this is no consolation now.... but eventually things will work out ( for what they are) and wounds will heal.

Jenelle · 05-07-2009, 05:11 PM

I can't even begin to imagine the trauma that she has been through with her family. Her mother must be one nutcase for her to treat her like that, especially at this delicate age where you have enough going on.

Kudos to you and your family for helping her, and I'll keep you guys in my thoughts until you hear more news.

MoniDew · 05-07-2009, 08:12 PM

bad news: the mother has somehow forced her daughter to drop the protective order against her father in front of the judge today. she's now going home with her mother.

my son thinks that the only way the daughter would have agreed to that is if the mother promised to drop the order against my son. I absolutely doubt she ever will. Without a doubt, the girl will be severely beaten for creating this entire episode.

keep praying for her.

Sunshine's Mom · 05-07-2009, 08:43 PM

Oh no. That poor girl. I think I'd still make an anonymous CPS hotline call on her behalf. Is she still in high school? Maybe you could (or your son could) go talk to the counselor and ask for assistance or his/her intervention or to at least have a discussion with the girl.

I'll be thinking of you all and adding my prayers to yours.