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Old 05-26-2009, 08:10 PM   #1
Crycket
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Dilema
Ok...

I have a dilema....

A friend of mine is getting married....(for those of you who remember...this friend is also the one who just found out she has breast cancer....not relevant to this story...but just making sure you are still with me...*smiles*)

She wants to get married in the Caribbean on a cruise.

I am her best friend and there is no one else she would rather have there with her than me.

I would like nothing more to be there...

However....

I am scared to fly....

I do not do well in the heat....

I am not really ready/willing to pay for the cruise (about $2000 US...per person)

My hubby who I will not go without does not do well on boats...

Now...I said to her "asking me to go on a plane is no different than me asking you to watch a zombie movie" (she is dead against it, and scared of them)

She said "if you asked me to watch a zombie movie at your wedding, I would have..."

She said if money is an issue, her and her parents can help...which really...I am kinda not comfortable with...especially cause it is her party, I don't want to make her pay for me...

I also get heat exhaustion very easily...even when I am playing precautions...

She wants to play the puppy dog eyes card...but I have also told her that to go, I would be very outside my comfort zone, in many ways.

I feel bad about saying no...but I would feel very uncomfortable going...

What do you do?
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Old 05-26-2009, 09:39 PM   #2
Jan in CA
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Oh boy... that's a tough one. If it was just getting on a plane I would say do it anyway, but then we have health issues in the heat, motion sickness, financial issues. Eeek. I'm not sure. I think I personally would have to tell her that you love and support her, but you just won't be able to be there with her. Tell her you'll give her a big party when she comes home..or something and hope she understands.
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Old 05-26-2009, 10:15 PM   #3
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Ohh, that is a tough one...I totally understand where you're coming from though, ESPECIALLY the flying part...Ugh. I HATE flying!

I think, what I would do, is explain to her that yes, you are my best friend and of course I would love to be a part of your big day, but, explain the reasons you're uncomfortable with it, health wise, "fear" (for lack of a better word) wise, and financially...Maybe see if she would like it if you planned a Caribbean themed party for when they return, to celebrate the wedding, and, maybe have a mock wedding for all of her friends and family to witness...Explain that you really do not want it to come between you two but you are truly uncomfortable with it for a number of reasons...
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Old 05-26-2009, 10:43 PM   #4
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She knows I am uncomfortable...and is still pressing....

I feel bad cause I know she really wants me there...and that is the reason for the pressure...but it is a really big expense just for a wedding. If it was a vacation I was wanting to take anyway...sure...but really...that would be $4000 to be at a wedding.

DH and I are really not vacation ppl. And if I had to spend most of my time on the boat cause the heat was too much...what fun would that be for vacation anyway?

She is going to have a party anyway...she said...for all those who can't make the cruise. I told her we could have a special one with just us if I can't make it...She still really wants me there...which makes my heart break to tell her otherwise...

I think I will suggest even that they have the ceremony here and have the cruise as a honeymoon. That way more ppl can partake of the actual festivities. I don't think she will buy it...but it is worth a shot.

The good thing right now...is that it not going to be right away. They got engaged last week...but she still has 6 months of Chemo and Radiation to do...and doesn't want to go down the aisle looking like she just had 6 months of chemo and radiation...so she is looking ahead a year or possibly two....
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Old 05-27-2009, 08:15 AM   #5
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Maybe since it is so new she will change her mind? If she isn't planning on having it for a year or two this could be just the excitement talking but once she has time to think and adjust to the idea of getting married she might change her mind... esp. if she sees that not many can afford to do this or able to go...
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Old 05-27-2009, 08:38 AM   #6
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I don't like flying, and I'm not a big fan of hot weather, and I get motion sick, and I wouldn't pay $2000 to attend my best friend's wedding. So I understand exactly where you are. I would continue to say that I just didn't think I could make it, though I was thrilled for her happiness.

Now if she did a wedding in Canada and a honeymoon in the tropics that sounds about perfect to me. Does she think the wedding will have to be fancier if she has it at home, but she can do a really small (and cheaper) wedding if she does a destination wedding?
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Old 05-27-2009, 09:18 AM   #7
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I think you need to tell her everything you told us. You need to say that you don't feel comfortable flying, or being in the heat and despite that you can't afford it and don't feel comfortable taking other people's money. Tell her that you want to be there just as much as she wants you there, but you just can't do the things she wants to do.
If she really truly does want you there, she will figure out an alternative wedding plan. If this is her dream and she is determined to do it, you might have to sit this one out.
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Old 05-27-2009, 10:17 AM   #8
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Is she asking you to be her matron of honor or just a guest at the wedding? I would think that comes into play with your decision making. I must admit that I am not a fan of the "destination wedding" as I think it puts too much financial pressure on your guests.

If she is asking you to be her matron of honor and that this is the dream wedding she has always wanted and it wouldn't be as special for her if you couldn't be there standing up for her - I think, if I were you, that I'd try to overcome my inhibitions and do this for her. The money issue is the biggest hurdle to overcome in this instance. If she wants you to be her matron of honor, perhaps it's acceptable that she (or her parents) could pay your way considering you'd have to be buying a dress, etc., etc..

If she's just wants you there as a guest, I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell her that you just 1) can't afford it and you don't think it's fair for anyone else to foot an additional bill for someone to go since they're probably already paying quite a bill for the wedding as is; and 2) you are NOT a plane, ship and heat person. None of these things appeal to you and, in fact, could really make her time miserable if you and your husband are sick for a good majority of her wedding. You would not dream of doing anything to ruin her day.

Keep in mind that she may not realize how fearful you are of flying, being on a ship and suffering from heat exhaustion during her wedding. Since she doesn't suffer from these things it's easy to just brush it off. She's not negating your feelings, she just doesn't want to acknowledge that they could keep you away. It's excuses that she's hearing, not actual maladies. You need to make her understand. Like Demonica said, tell her that you don't want this to come between you two, and it won't on your part anyway.
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Old 05-27-2009, 10:23 AM   #9
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Crycket, I think most people have covered really good answers. Parties, emotional support, etc. You could always be there via Skype. And, given time, she might change her mind about where she wants to get married.

She may be your best friend, but don't let her pressure you into doing something that you are uncomfortable with from so many angles. Do what feels right to you, not her.

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Old 05-27-2009, 03:48 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by cftwo View Post
Does she think the wedding will have to be fancier if she has it at home, but she can do a really small (and cheaper) wedding if she does a destination wedding?
I really am not sure...I remember her telling me a long time ago that she wanted a cruise ship wedding...long before she even met her fiancee. So I really don't know...


Originally Posted by knitgal View Post
I think you need to tell her everything you told us. You need to say that you don't feel comfortable flying, or being in the heat and despite that you can't afford it and don't feel comfortable taking other people's money. Tell her that you want to be there just as much as she wants you there, but you just can't do the things she wants to do.
If she really truly does want you there, she will figure out an alternative wedding plan. If this is her dream and she is determined to do it, you might have to sit this one out.
lol...we actually did talk about all of this...before I even posted this thread. I just have an unusally low threshold for guilt trips. She is sooo excited, and will likely have so few ppl there...that wanting to have me there makes it all the more special...and the fact that I just don't think it would be a good idea makes it all the more worse that I have to turn it down...

She combats each of the things I say...I don't like planes, that shouldn't matter cause it is her special day, and she was there for mine...

I get heat sick, she says that it is just special circumstances that I had gotten ill the last 5 times I had spent any time in the heat (she was with me almost each of these times, and 3 out of 5 of them I was in my Hermione/Hogwarts garb for girl guide camps. The arguement could be made that it was because I was wearing a wig, and not drinking enough...that I was getting these symptoms, and tossing my guts out...but I have had two other times where I wasn't in any of that...and I was still having problems...I really just don't do well in the heat....I wilt, and even with lots of water, I still don't get enough to not dehydrate!)

She says if money is the only thing stopping me, her parents will help us out...

She doesn't yet know that DH can't handle boats....

She even made the suggestion that if the heat was too much I could stay on the boat...it didn't strike me til later...that really...that kinda defeats the purpose of being in the caribbean to begin with...

Originally Posted by Sunshine's Mom View Post
Is she asking you to be her matron of honor or just a guest at the wedding? I would think that comes into play with your decision making. I must admit that I am not a fan of the "destination wedding" as I think it puts too much financial pressure on your guests.
I don't think she has thought that far ahead yet...but she had said (cause I asked about brides maid dresses) I can wear whatever I want, cause I would be the only bridesmaid there...so I guess that is to say, I would be the matron of honour...

I have no problem performing the duties (holding the shower etc) but I just don't think I can be there...

Yeah...I don't know...I just think it is a little too much to ask for. Especially cause she knew a long time ago that I felt this way...now she is just using her excitement and peer pressure to get me there....and I really don't feel comfortable with it....

*sigh*
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