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Old 04-27-2010, 05:27 PM   #21
Lighting57
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I agree with all of the above. Not to mention, that if I am going to shell out that kind of cash for that kind of trip, it will be to some place I and my husband want to go and to do things we want to do. Not to tag along and do as some self-centered person wishes us to do.

Not everyone is wealthy. Nor does everyone freely rack up debt on credit cards. We live debt free in that if we can't pay cash for it, we do without it. Believe me, we have done without a LOT in our 35 years, but atleast we can sleep at night without having to worry about a debt collector.
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Old 04-27-2010, 05:35 PM   #22
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I well remember that as I was growing up the brides parents paid for the wedding. This also included all of the dresses, shoes, hair, everything for all of the attendents and ushers. Not to mention food, and the whole nine yards.

If she wishes for you to be in the wedding party, tell her you'll try to set aside that week if she's sure she can afford your tickets, etc. When she looks at you like you're crazy, remind her of this old tradition. She'll probably start to back peddle.
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Old 04-27-2010, 07:13 PM   #23
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There's an old saying: "With friends like this, who needs enemies?" It seems very selfish of her to ask everyone to shell out their hard-earned money and saved up vacation time to accomodate her destination wedding. I say stay home with your hubby, who you'll be living with for the rest of your life (hopefully), take a nice vacation with him, and if she gets her panties all in a wad, so be it. If she gets mad, she's not much of a friend, IMHO.
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Old 04-28-2010, 09:54 AM   #24
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Crycket, you've made some really good points. I think you need to tell her that you're feeling guilt-tripped by her and it's not fair. Although she's very important to you, your loyalties and considerations must be with your own family, that being your husband and yourself. You are saving for your future and $3,000 is too much money for you. That's like asking each person to pay for an entire wedding themselves (my reception cost $5,000). Offer to throw her a party at your home when she returns for all those who couldn't go. I'll bet it's more people than she's willing to admit.

Stress that it's not a question of "if you WANT to come, you will, if you don't, you won't". It's not that simple to you and she's making it sound like you're a terrible person. You WANT to go, but simply CAN'T for monetary reasons. It's unfair of her to ask you to overextend yourself and then to become mad about it.

I like the suggestion of Lighting57: "If she wishes for you to be in the wedding party, tell her you'll try to set aside that week if she's sure she can afford your tickets, etc. When she looks at you like you're crazy, remind her of this old tradition. She'll probably start to back peddle."

That's good stuff.
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Old 04-28-2010, 10:33 AM   #25
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She did offer to pay the flight back when the plans were up in the air. But I did tell her at the time that DH really wasn't willing to pay more that (I think) $1000 for the both of us at the time. She said at the time that there would be no way we could go on that either way.

Again...it got dropped at the time...but now that she believes she has made all these consessions for me...that I should go.

The problem with all this reasonable talk is you need to be talking to a reasonable person.

I do understand too that if she isn't going to understand, then she isn't worth my time. However, we all have those ppl in your life, that although they drive you up the wall and around the bend, it would be really hard to just write them off. Trust me, I have thought about it many times. She does have her redeeming qualities, she just seems to have alot of "isms".

Her "isms" tend to affect many ppl, not just rub one or two the wrong way...unfortunately.

I do feel for her. She doesn't ask a lot of me, and this is REALLY important and special to her. I would be lying if I didn't say I shared her feelings. I am really thrilled for her.

We had a moment when she said "well, if we didn't have it on a cruise, we would have it in Edmonton, and you wouldn't come to that either, cause you have to fly..."
I told her that Edmonton (from Ontario) would be significantly more reasonable, as we could get there by train, and stay a day or two, and potentially even stay with a few of DHs relatives. It kinda quelled her feelings that I didn't want to go to her wedding. However, it seems she has selective hearing, and only retains what she wants to think, which is to say that I don't want to be at her wedding, as she refuses to have it anywhere but on a cruise. I told her that she is intitled to have any wedding she wants, but I can't go on a cruise.

I said I would go dress shopping with her...be at, if not throw her shower, and be at any reception she decided to have at home.

*grr*

Yeah....my whole wedding cost somewhere in the ball park of $5000, with approx 60 guests. Given it was nothing fancy, but still...she wants me to spend almost as much going to her wedding. She has to hear no, but she only hears "I don't want to"

I am really happy that I have all of you for support. This is one of those "lose sleep over" deals.
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Old 04-28-2010, 12:38 PM   #26
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Ok...so I just had a big heart to heart with her mother. Who is also apposed to the going away thing.

We didn't fix anything of course, but I was able to address concerns and stuff.

It made me feel a bit bad too, cause apparently her Fiancee has tons of family coming out, but they are used to taking huge vacations and such. She has her parents coming...and that is it. The only other person she is really dying to have stand up for her is me.

Her mother said she told her that she was willing to stand in for her.

I feel kinda bad now too cause she is apparently feeling more alone than ever, her grandparents are not likely going, very few of her relatives will be going....and although she was aiming for that really small wedding...she won't be able to have the people she wants there...

This is her descision...of course, and it will be her bed to lie in if no one goes...

Her mom said that she is waffling on the idea, and may decide on something else.

(for the record, I am friends with her mom independantly of my friendship with her, yes there is still some bias there, but we can usually talk pretty openingly together)

She may not too...she has put a deposit down on this trip, and stands to lose money if she backs out.

I feel a little less harsh about it, her mom kept pointing out that I am her only really close friend, which did make it a bit more difficult, because I know it is true!

*sigh* this just can't be easy.

In the end, she said to have a heart to heart, face to face and see if we can work it out. She also said there might be hurt feelings, but that is the way it has to be. If the friendship is capable of surviving, then it will....

Hard decisions ahead....I don't envy me right now....
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Old 04-28-2010, 02:06 PM   #27
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I don't envy you right now either, but you can only do what you can do. And, it won't be YOUR fault if no one but her parents are there on her side of the family. Is her mother (perhaps) throwing a little guilt your way too?

My heart goes out to you.
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Old 04-28-2010, 02:54 PM   #28
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Aside from the cost and travel for you I see this whole plan as a very unrealistic beginning to a marriage. Can she and her future husband afford all this? Or is it getting paid by credit cared (debt)? More debt is not a good way to begin married life. Weddings should not be overly expensive in my opinion. A good marriage begins on the solid foundation of the relationship not with an expensive and extravagant wedding.
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Old 04-28-2010, 03:03 PM   #29
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Why doesn't she use the cruise as their honeymoon? She doesn't have to lose any money on the deal. If he's cool with his family being on his honeymoon, then let them go on vacation together.

If her entire family is not willing to go on this trip then why wouldn't she just have a nice, small ceremony here with everyone, then say her vows again on the cruise? Frankly, this seems like SHE'S the one being pressured by her soon-to-be family to do this. It's "keeping up with the Jones's" stuff. I kind of feel bad for her and think she should put her foot down with her fiancee. There might be something going on that you aren't aware of. Is this really her idea?

I know that even if my dream wedding would have been a destination situation, if MY family and friends weren't into it, I'd do something else and arrange to retake our vows at the destination. Maybe a few of our good friends would want to go with us. But, I wouldn't be pitching a hissy-fit thinking everyone has to do what I want. It's too much to ask of people.

Crycket, I'd be encouraged by what her mom said and try to make her understand what is REALLY important about weddings - becoming one with that other person and sharing that with the people that mean the most to you. It's not about WHERE you're doing it, it's about WHAT is happening. Try to convince her of your way of thinking. And, if all else fails, give her the 2 wedding scenario and pump up the joy of getting to wear your wedding gown twice!!! Who gets to do that?
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Old 04-28-2010, 03:10 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by newamy View Post
Aside from the cost and travel for you I see this whole plan as a very unrealistic beginning to a marriage. Can she and her future husband afford all this? Or is it getting paid by credit cared (debt)? More debt is not a good way to begin married life. Weddings should not be overly expensive in my opinion. A good marriage begins on the solid foundation of the relationship not with an expensive and extravagant wedding.
I wish we had an "agree" button like on Ravelry.
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