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Old 05-04-2010, 10:17 AM   #51
Crycket
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Originally Posted by OffJumpsJack View Post

{from way back in the thread..}


Really? Times must be changing. I my day (two decades ago and more) all the weddings were where the bride grew up and the groom and family traveled to the wedding. This was because it was her send off. From a biblical tradition, the bride leaves her family and joins her husband. My bride and I share time on vacation to visit both her and my family.

that is exactly what her mom was thinking!!

Someone else pointed out that it seemed like the grooms family was pushing for this destination wedding. Was it your friends idea?

Actually, it was....she wanted this when I was planning my wedding, which was before she even met this guy...I told her back then I would not get on a plane!

Use the knowledge from her mom. Why does she still want a destination wedding if it means none of her family and friends can afford the time or travel to attend? Is her man pushing her to this to separate her from her family and her friends?

No, I don't think so. The problem I am having is she doesn't care if no one else is there for her...she wants ME to be there for her. I was telling her why it wasn't exactly a good idea, and she said "you are telling me all the reasons you want to go, all you need is one good reason to go" That really pissed me off....

The trip would be a good honeymoon after a local wedding. Who is she trying to please or hurt by excluding so much of her own family and friends?

I don't know...stubborn I guess!

Where will she and her new husband be making their home? Toronto, Edmonton, or elsewhere? Isn't this her last time to have her friends and family celebrate her. Why is she going to such distance to limit their participation?

This is kinda funny...she is from TO, he is from Edmonton, but he has been living in Burlington. At the moment, he rents a room for himself, she lives at home. Unless they find someplace to live in the next 10 months, and she doesnt have any immediate plans, the will be living apart until they find a place. And get this, he doesn't drive!

Have I given you enough questions to pepper her with? When she lays a guilt question on you, then you counter with one of these or others that have been posted. Then also point out what a wedding should be.

But, I am not a counselor nor have I any training in psychology. I am a helpdesk analyst with customer service training. That only covers how to identify the callers personality to determine how to manage their expectations and turn it into an extra-ordinary customer experience. You phrase your response to satisfy the callers basic need but still conforms to what you can do.

I pray this will work out for the best.

It is a lot of pressure, and I am unfortunately starting to bend to it. The only thing she wants is for me to be there. It makes me feel kinda defeated. The whole things is kinda depressing...
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Old 05-04-2010, 12:03 PM   #52
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So she still intends for you to be the matron of honor? That changes things slightly. The guilt does become more intense. I think it's really unfair to tell you that you are her "only friend", and therefore you HAVE to do what she's asking?

She's saying to you, "You're giving me all the reasons you don't want to go, but you only need one good reason to go." That reason, of course, being her and your friendship. I say, if your friendship is that important to her that your reasons for not wanting to go should matter to her. Ask her if they do and if she really understands them. Instead of demanding that you be there, even at her own expense, she should be asking you if it's all right that someone else stands up for her at the wedding and that she understands going is out of your comfort zone. But, since she won't maybe you should tell her that it's okay with you if someone else is her matron of honor.

I think you're going to have to put your foot down and let the chips fall where they may.
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Old 05-04-2010, 12:42 PM   #53
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Her mom said she would stand up for her if I didn't go.

The thing I said that she did understand was "a vacation is a frivilous expense" and she did agree.

When she was leaving, she did ask me once more, if she thought I would come and I said "get Reeds family to pay my way" She laughed and said it was a good idea. She also followed up by saying "I raised $1000 for breast cancer, I can raise money for you to come"

I have to give her one thing, she is doing everything within her power to make this happen. When she was told no, she has gone more than out her way to make it happen, and is still doing it.

I said I didn't want to fly, she made it drivable, I said it would be a pain to drive, she said either her or her parents would do the driving, I said I can't afford it, she is going to do some fund raising. That does leave something to be admired in a certain way. It is THIS that truely makes it hard to say no. When someone is SO determined to get you there that they jump through hoops to make it happen.

I am not saying I still don't have my doubts...cause I do...

If all my doubts are the rock, then all this determination makes up the hard place....
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Old 05-04-2010, 02:41 PM   #54
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I know we can be close to our mothers, but who really wants their mother for their matron of honor?

It sounds at though she has accepted that you won't go. So, problem solved. But you still have the guilty feelings. Nothing is going to take those away except the knowlege that your friendship has not been compromised by your not going to her wedding. Maybe having a "welcome home" party for them when they return will make you feel better.

However, if she manages to come up with the money, Crycket, seriously consider this: You might have fun. Please don't let your fears keep you from doing this. Yes, a vacation is frivolous. But, we all work so hard in our lifetimes and most of us will never take advantage of doing something that might be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
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Old 05-04-2010, 04:55 PM   #55
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Yeah...there is a point there....and I have been flip floping all over the place.

Yes...it could be fun to squeeze out of my shell and step out for a bit...

No...Even if some of it is being paid for, there are LOTS of things that need paying for around here...ie the bathroom with the bubble gum pink walls and dusty rose bathroom ensemble (tub, sink, toilet) that I have been staring at for the 2 years we have been living here that will be put off for another year or so if we go on this trip....

Yes...it might be nice to see a part of the states

No...Not looking forward to the hassle that is getting my passport

Yes...it is March, so it may not be overly warm so a completely summer wardrobe probably isn't necessary

No...I don't want to nor have the money to go buy the kinda wardrobe I should have for a vacation...

Yes...the food sounds great

No...I really need to lose about 30 lbs and this won't help

Yes...it would be really great to be there for her wedding...

No...I really had my heart set on a new computer for my b'day, that will have to be put off til next b'day if we go...

The stream of consciousness goes on like that...Some of it selfish, some of it not. Just when I think I have it figured out...my mind is changed again...

I think she would still be very disappointed if I didn't go, and I do believe the reason she was a little more rational with me yesterday was because she thinks she has the upper hand...

I don't know....
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Old 05-04-2010, 07:46 PM   #56
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Crycket's dilemma
I agree with other participants in this discussion. Don't overextend yourself to pay for a trip you really don't want to take. Have you thought if you do go and participate, you will come to resent the pressure she has (unreasonably) put on you to get her way? This is incredible pressure for anyone to put on "friendship" IMHO. So many people said so many reasonable things --if this is a friend, who needs enemies, she is definitely laying a big guilt trip on you, and yes it is the marriage that counts, not the frou-frou overblown details of the wedding. I hope she will come to realize what SHE is doing to your "friendship". my 2 cents worth!! linknit41
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Old 05-04-2010, 09:00 PM   #57
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I agree...add it to the list...
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Old 05-05-2010, 09:58 AM   #58
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Ok...so I think I have really done some thinking on it, and discussing with DH and we are going to say no *fingers crossed*

We are not comfortable taking as much charity as we need to, we have too many finacial obligations to make it feesable and DH would have to work through his Xmas holiday week to make it happen. (as much as I like to dismiss the holiday, there are still so many things to get done that week - not to mention, DHs work is one of those places that closes for that week between xmas and new years, so although he can go in a work for that time frame, it really isn't pleasant.)

The thing that actually caught me of guard is all this time, I have been looking at the major expenses. I actually sat down and spent some time looking at all the little things we would need, and it would really add up.

For the 10 years I was working at the theatre, it was a uniformed job. I was wearing my bumming around clothes or the few things nice I had left from High School to get to work and wore a uniform at work. Got home and mostly into my pjs. My wardrobe sucks. I have recently aquired some "work" clothes for my new job. My MIL bought them for me when I got my new job. But that is a handful of business casual that I couldn't work on a vacation. Plus my bathing suit is from Highschool and has a few holes (still tasteful holes, but holes none the less) so I would need a new bathing suit...essecially a couple hundred more in clothes. Which don't get me wrong, I do need, just one of those things that would be better to buy as you find things you like. I hate one stop clothes shopping days!

The fact of the matter is, either choice I make, would be difficult. But I certainly have to make one, as the lack of sleep alone is wearing me down.

So my thought was to instead of spending thousands of dollars (with or without help) would be to throw a shower. Which I am not sure she would get otherwise. A couple hundred to throw a party far out weighs the whole hog.

So what do you think. I could pull the traditional hen party (and in my opinion snoozefest) or I can have a men and woman party and either keep it smaller...or make it larger...and have it in a restaurants party room, and maybe even have a mock ceremony and possibly a video booth were we could edit together a video of well wishes...*shrugs*

The weight of the decision is off, and that is very nice...I just dread telling her...
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Old 05-05-2010, 12:26 PM   #59
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So you've decided the trip is a no go? Good for you. We all love to do what makes people happy, but we also have to think of ourselves and our families. Tell her you love her dearly, but you've thought about it and just aren't comfortable with donations and it's just not going to work for you and your family right now. She will get over it.

A couples shower sounds lovely. A lot of couples are doing that sort of thing now for both weddings and babies. If it's not a surprise though you could ask her..but maybe that opens up a whole new kettle of worms...
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Old 05-05-2010, 12:32 PM   #60
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Don't dread telling her. Exactly what you wrote there is sufficient. Decision made. Indicate how painful it is for you, but it's reality nonetheless.

Tell her, as a compromise, that you would love to throw her a shower before they go. Ask her opinion on what she'd like (all girls or co-ed). I think a mock wedding sounds fun. You could be the mock preacher who marries them. Just because it's "mock" doesn't mean that it has to be funny either. You're doing it because of how much you want to hear their vows. It's a dry-run for the big day.

Frankly, if any one of my friends had done something like that for me I would've melted into a big ball of goo it's so sweet.

Get some sleep, already!
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